If You Know Me


If you know me chances are you already know about this part of my life.  
This story is for you too.  
Let's walk this journey so we can heal and forgive together.

If you suspect this is me but aren't sure email me or stop by the house.  
I'll make us a wicked salad and we can chat.  
This story is for you too.  

Just one rule, 
Please don't use my real name when commenting.

Thanks for all you are!


21 comments:

  1. ...I don't know you.

    ;)

    but i'm sure glad i found you.

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  2. I am in awe of you and your brutal honesty. You have put so much into words. So much of what I am feeling, and can't speak aloud. I really really hope everything works out for you.
    I'm petrified still to speak about what i'm going through, because saying it out loud makes it real. You're shouting in bold technicolor.
    I salute you, and you give me hope.

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    1. Thanks anon. I guess there was nothing left for me to do but be brutally honest about something so brutally ugly. I understand about being afraid to speak. This is a terrifying place to be. I hope things work for you too. I really do. Plus, you can always speak out here anonymously. You're safe.

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  3. I am new to your blog- I read it for hours yesterday and still am today. My husband of 4 years is in what I think are the beginning stages of some sort of sex addiction. I just don't know, stupid smart phones- he can access any and every thing from it, clear specific pages he went to, and make me feel like the psycho for checking it. I have caught it on his phone multiple times, but he's gotten really smart with that thing and knows how to clear just the bad stuff and every trace of it. Why does what he's doing make me feel like the ugliest, fattest, least desirable woman on the planet?? We've talked, I've cried, I've left the house at 11pm to clear my head after "catching" him. I always come back, I always feel worse about myself. I thought I had some super insecurity, that what he's watching is just what men do, that I'm the one with a problem with my body and don't come close to these women, it's not that he wants them- it's that I'm not good enough for me, which makes me not good enough for him. I don't know what defines it as a "problem". I'm reading though, and I know every situation is different, but somehow through the ugliness and scariness of what all this is, I'm finding peace in your words...feeling a little less alone in the problems I'm facing, because really...who the hell do you turn to talk about something like this? Best friend? Her husband is my husbands friend- I don't want them to look at him differently? Mom, sister, cousin, grandma, friend, even stranger?? I don't want any of them to know this...and somehow, I don't want them to think my husband is a bad person...this was a lot of rambling, I'll probably regret sending it, it probably doesn't even make sense...nothing does right now.

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    1. I'm glad you sent something. Because you're right, who the hell do you turn to? I spend years not really knowing if there was a problem or if it was really me who was insane. I spend years in silence, never speaking out...i didn't want to bad-mouth him. I didn't want people to judge. I was embarrassed. And so, I began to believe his lies, "Every guy does it. it's normal and healthy."

      But your heart is telling you the truth, this is real. The insecurities you feel stemming from his porn use are real. We wonder, "why is he looking at them? Why not me?" And then we start to scrutinize every curve and dimple or lack there of on our bodies.

      No doubt you can feel the fallout of how this is changing your relationship. Intimacy is gone. Sex feels less and less like love. Respect is lost. You might even start to really despise yourself and him.

      This is real. You're not alone in this experience. Everytime I hear or read someones story I feel so terrible. I know the pain and I hate to see anyone going through the same thing. It makes me sick. But I do know there is a place we can find peace...no matter what the choices of our spouses. We can survive things that seem inhuman and we can be happy.

      I know it doesn't seem possible right now. Everything is confusing and painful. There are hard times ahead and the best advise I can give is to prepare.

      -Get a good therapist (sex addiction) who shares your values asap. Don't delay this. They can help you make the right choices and see things clearly.

      -exercise. walk around the block early in the morning or late at night. Get to the gym. Or put in the a "sweatin to the oldies" VHS and dance your heart out. During stress, your body needs this release.

      -Look for a 12-step addiction support group. If you live near me I'd take you to mine. It's scary to go but you will hear and see that you are not alone.

      It doesn't seem like much but these things saved me from feeling so lost and alone. Do I sound like a bossypants? Sorry. hahaa! Sometimes I get so passionately involved!

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  4. I am interested in updates on Sheree above. Sheree write more, tell more.

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  5. I am in a similar position to Sheree. After 8 years of finding evidence of porn in our home, my husband finally admitted that he is addicted last month. This whole struggle has made me feel so raw and empty. After so many years of dealing with the lies, I just don't know if I can do it anymore. How do you get the images out of your head? How do you move past all the broken promises? Blogs like yours have kept me sane recently, but I continue to struggle. We aren't sharing a bed at the moment and are usually only together around the kids. He is trying and begging me to forgive me-and a part of me wants to but at this point I am so tired of all of the lies. If you have any additional words of hope and guidance, I really would love to hear them. I have never told anyone about our problem- I have been struggling with ths alone all this time and I know I can't go on like this.

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    1. Oh my gosh! how did I almost miss your comment. Sorry it has been so long and I hope you get back to read this. Because what you are feeling is exactly how i have felt. There are a few things above all others that have helped me.

      1. detach. if he wants to change and he is begging and promising say, "ok, prove it. I will watch and you will repair." Then let him figure it out. You will know when it is right to open up to him again.

      2. Images in your head...this is a hard one. I just wrote a post about triggers. It takes time and practice. But really those images are just images reminding you of your trauma. While they serve a purpose ---keeping you safe from the wrong kind of trust and vulnerability---the images can also be toxic. When you are healthy enough you will be able to let the images go. When they pop in your head do something for you, run around the block, read a book, drink a glass of water, breath and think of things you are thankful for. Don't let them beat you up.

      3. Get support, friends, family, 12-step, a great shrink someone you can trust and lean on.

      4. Find a way to be happy. Pick up a new hobby. Spend quality time with friends, family or your kids. Walk outside and feel the sun. Decide to still be happy.

      These are hard times ahead and who knows what choices your spouse will make. I pray he takes care of himself and makes the change.

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    2. Another thought... It's ok to be pissed. and to feel like he's lying jerk.

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  6. Here I go, my first online post to any blog ever and it has to be this...so yucky. I have been married for 16 years and on February 26 of this year I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night with an overwhelming impression that there was a serious problem in my marriage - pornography. I was 5 months pregnant with our 5th child at the time. I had no evidence but I knew. It took me a couple of days to figure out how to approach it. As I expected he lied, and lied and lied some more. He went as far as to bear his "testimony" to me about how he knew that porn/masterbation(such a weird word) was wrong and he would never do it. Well, I had my first anxiety attack ever and it lasted at least two weeks - no sleep for two weeks. I won't go into all the details now but it eventually came out that he has had a regular porn habit/sex addiction problem for at least 5+ years. Add to that pain pills (which I new about and he had actually finally stopped using in Dec.), and stopping on his way home from work at the liquor store and keeping it in the garage where he could take swigs. This was not us at all, so I thought. My husband served on the high council, I was in YW and RS presidency. We were told by our bishop that we were one of the pillar families in the ward, blah blah blah. A day hasn't gone by without tears. We are in therapy and he tells me he is working so hard on recovery but doesn't think I am. Well that is great for him, he has a loyal spouse that has always had his back. I wonder what that is really like. I didn't mean to go on for so long here, I just wanted to let you know I am here. I have spent the last several days reading Jacy's first blog and now yours. Thanks for having it here. I don't know what to call myself, I just feel damaged and messed up right now, and married to a liar. Thanks for listening (or reading).
    -C

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  7. I get it. They always lie about it. It's part of their nature as addicts. sometimes it seems like they don't even know how to tell the truth. I feel like i've become a human lie detector with mr scabs. And you were pregnant! Why does their garbage always seem to surface when we're pregnant and the most vulnerable??? I'm sorry.

    We went through the phase of Mr scabs telling me and the therapist that he was trying and doing his best and I wasn't budging. I wasn't progressing with him. I wasn't working on our marriage. and blah dee blah blah. But that is exactly what needs to happen. HE needs to do the repair work. HE needs to prove he is working on it. HE needs to show honesty and effort. HE needs to be vulnerable. HE needs to be patient. We just need to work on ourselves and when and if there is enough genuine recovery we can begin moving in step and working on our marriage again.

    I'm glad you are here. hugs---

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    1. The second paragraph here is Spot On!! Amen!! I think too many women get stuck in having to shoulder the responsibility of forgiving, loving, growing as a person themselves in order to stay in the relationship, and little is said about what the man should do. You said it perfectly? tHANK YOU!

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  8. My hearts goes out to all the women posting here.... I am so thankful tonight for everyone's honesty in this post/reply's. so nice to know I am not alone.... I am trying to do better. I especially love the final comment about it being his job to recove

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  9. Sorry - computer froze, his job to recover, and show he is working on it. And I feel like that means its ok for us to heal at whatever pace that looks like. Loving ourselves enough to take care of us. Is it bad to say " protecting us - and not expecting him to anymore"? That its ok to an extent to allow the space I need to protect myself? As long as its not obsessive?

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  10. i dont know you... but i think we do know our stories are similar. but also different. we all heal differently. thanks for sharing your story.

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  11. I don't know you but I feel like you are me. I wish I had blogged all along as you have while we were walking our journey. I am happy that we are so much further along, that he has been clean a couple of years now and is fundamentally a different person. That we have fallen back in love though I wasn't sure I could. Thank you for your blog and the way you are touching others through your honesty. It makes me miss my PASG group.

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  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just spent the last three days reading your blog and some of the comments. I've shared some posts with my husband of ten years, as well. A recovering porn/sex addict. Still an addict, just other things at the moment, and we still struggle with lies.
    I recovered all alone. My discovery was 9 years ago and I was newly married (less than a year), and so very, very naive. So very. It literally pulled the rug out from under my life, my beliefs, my self esteem, my testimony. It was so lonely. I searchedthe church website for articles that were few and far between and mostly about the wife forgiving... Which was what most of our therapy sessions and ecclesiastical interviews consisted of, as well as being a support, watch tower, but NOT a policeman bc that would only make things worse. Basically, I was to be supportive, nonjudgmental, loving and forgiving or he would relapse (porn/sex addiction counselor, even!). Just the weight of the world on my very very tired, already broken shoulders, pretty much. Didn't tell a soul. For years. Told a coworker a tiny bit in vague terms a long time into it and I think I hinted at it when I had to tell my sister her son was Google searching nasties when I babysat for two weeks and she was devastated. It is a different world now. It's SO SO different. This is an amazing support group. I want in. :) I would love to go to a camp. Reading t he blog has been healing, thought/tear provoking, and even caused a panic attack last night from some PTSD. Which means you are doing a good job. Thank you.

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  13. I'm a newbie searching out support as a newly disclosed addict's wife.......can I play with you sisters?

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  14. I don't 'know' you . but I think we may have met before in an online community - or is it just the familiarity of all our stories?

    I have felt compelled by your writing. You openness and story telling is somehow a comfort, even when what you are sharing is so full of pain. Thank you for this. you have a capacity to offer healing with words and that is truly a gift.

    My story is different and yet the same. My husband had an affair four years ago. to my knowledge (as far as I know) this was the only time he has been unfaithful to our commitment.

    Over the last months I have seen very small red flags in his behavior, they are small, I am scared, and this week have caught him in a lie of omission from June. It has set me back so far.

    Two days ago I found your blog. Although our stories are very different, the comfort I have found in your writing and journey - I have not really found in other places in all these years.

    So thank you.

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  15. Found you...found myself. Thank you for writing what my own voice was too speak out loud.

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hi

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