Monday, January 27, 2014

Lets talk about LOVE RICE

my *love rice* experiment
started: 12.3.13
picture taken: 1.2.14


My 5 year old knows a lot of creative swear words like fartass.  I suppose its not really his fault he was raised during the storm of discovery.  The ugly part.  The part where my vocabulary took a dramatic shift.  But, as things begin to heal so does my language.  wheew!

After school today I overheard him call his sister one of these words.  It makes me so sad to hear these things from my children.  After wiping away some tears and giving some hugs I said to the boy go tell the hate rice that it's a fartass and then go tell the love rice that you adore it.  He did.

And then, I asked my boy.  "How do you want to treat you sister, like the hate or love rice?"

-------------------

The first week of December 2013 I cooked some rice.  Just some plain white rice.  Then, I spooned a bit into two sterile jars.  I labeled one the {hate rice} and one the {love rice}.  This is an experiment I learned about from yoga Amber and Dr Emoto.

And everyday I would tell the {hate rice} how terrible, disappointing, ugly it was. I would snicker at it's "muffin top" and tell it that it was worthless and stupid.  I asked the neighborhood boys to come yell ugly words at the poor hate rice.  It hurt my ears.

And, everyday I would tell the love rice how wonderful, delicious and fluffy it was.  How it was most sweet, amazing rice I'd ever seen.   And I would play sonatas and love songs on my record player.  I gave love to that rice.

After 30 days, the results were astonishing.  The hate rice had disintegrated into mush.  And the love rice was indeed fluffy and intact.

Let us be gentle to ourselves and those around us.

-xoxo-
Scabs


Saturday, January 18, 2014

Camp Scabs SLC & Island Park

Camp Scabs Idaho Sept 2013


Camp Scabs SLC

First off, what exactly is Camp?  Details here.

When: Two seperate camps have been scheduled
Thursday March 13-15
Thursday March 27-29

Where:  Heber, UT
just outside SLC


Cost: $100 per person!  We like to keep this super affordable.
Includes food, lodging, activities and some transportation

Carpooling is what we do, so you can plan to either meet our carpool in SLC (usually a late lunch date) or drive yourself to the cabin.  Check in is at 4.  If you are scheduling a flight please arrive Thursday before 1 and plan to fly out Saturday after 4pm.  We can arrange all your ground transportation.

If you're interested in more details or want to RSVP
 send an email with Camp SLC in the subject line to
CampScabs @ gmail{dot}com

***Those of you who have already contacted me, 
email me again just to make sure I have you on the email list.***

Camp Scabs Island Park
 Jane from Learning From My Husbands Pornography Addiction is hosting this camp.
 Whether you know Jane or not this will be a WOPA party!   We will burn things and tell stories and do yoga and all other regular campy things.

Where:  A cabin in Island Park, Idaho 
about an hour north of Rexburg near Yellowstone and 4 hours north of SLC and 5 hours from Boise.

When: Thursday April 10-12

Contact Jane here if you're interested.
hisstrugglemystruggle@gmail.com



Thursday, January 9, 2014

se la vie

credit


Hey y'all!

November came and went with a flash then December and now January!  It takes time to figure out this new life of mine.  How do we honor the past without wallowing in it or ignoring it?  And then moving forward with hope and love?  How does all this happen?  I'm not sure.

November brought the Scabs Family a wedding anniversary that we no longer celebrate, a porniversary that causes all of us pain and then the general holiday hub-bub and traditions and traveling and family.

We realize we can't carry on life like we used to, pre-addiction.  But we also realize we can't seep ourselves in self-pity, self-hatred, self-doubt, walking on eggshells.  It's too timid of a way to live.  And so, Mr. Scabs and I have played around with the idea of getting re-married, making a moment of re-commitment.  A moment we can celebrate.

And, as for that painful November porniversary, we have decided that it might be a good idea to quietly honor that moment too.  Spend a quiet dinner together.  Remember.  Hold hands.  And humbly pay homage to the places we have been.

This new life is a total reconstruction.  A gut job.

Aside from that, no more delays on the how to confront a liar post promised to you in November. The post is longer that I like and there are some things in there I hesitate to say aloud but se la vie.





how to confront a liar

credit


I've been a liar and I've been lied to.

In first grade I told the world I was adopted.  It didn't matter how many times they pointed out that I'm a carbon copy of my mother, I insisted, "I'm adopted".

Why do we tell lies: big fat whoppers, little whipsy white ones, wild strings and yarns?  Maybe to protect ourselves or support our fantasies (yeah, cause I'm adopted)?  Maybe out of fear? or even habit?  or to get an exchange at Walmart (dang, this waffle iron was broken when I opened the box).

But, to the spouse of an addict filtering through their lies is like...well, lets just call it what it is.  It's like wading through sloppy shit. And it hurts.  Big time.  A lot of times, it's the deal breaker.

Is he telling the truth?

"That condom in my wallet?  Oh, it's not mine.It must have fallen into my pocket when I was walking through the store"

Is he lying?

"I've never looked at porn on my phone!  Someone at work must have stolen my phone and used it."

How are we supposed to know?

"I'm running to Walgreen's real quick, you need anything?"

-------------------------------------------


So, these are some of the things I did to became a human lie detector

1.  Snap out of it

No more rose colored glasses.  No more Happy Wives Club.  No more naively believing. I had to get real and see Mr. Scabs for what he was; a lying, thieving, murderer of love (Dan in Real Life)! He was the fabricator.  If there was one thing I knew, I knew he would lie to me.  It's a hard to accept reality, after all, I couldn't imagine being so shifty in my most intimate relationship.  But it was the truth and the more clearly I could see it the better prepared I was to face him.

2.  Observe

Let's put on our lab coats ladies, it's time to observe him with the attention of a scientist.  What changes do you see, hear, smell, taste and feel?  There are so many advantages to detaching and here, detaching will allow you to see more clearly.  It is a gift!

Suddenly, I could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes and in his body language. But it wasn't always like that, at first I doubted my senses.

I had just a shred of evidence, like a link or a cleared out web history browser or he's late from work or even worse he smells like a girl.  Maybe I'd ran across a receipt or a secret credit card bill or a stash of hidden condoms or he was angry and short tempered.  Are the little things or big things not adding up?  I watched everything.

3.  Keep quiet and write

Maybe you say something like, "hey, why's the web browser cleared?"

Do you get a barrage of reasons why it's your fault and you're to blame?  Do they blow you off, explain it away or get angry?  So, keep it to yourself and file it away.  Journal these observations, these red flags.  Record the details.  Maybe it's vague or doesn't make sense, but soon it will.  Mull over these patterns, shreds of evidence and seemingly unimportant bits.  Believe in yourself because soon you will see the truth.  Clarity.

A lot of people like lists, if you need to write a list, do it.

red flags
short tempered angry
demanding
found large amount of cash in his truck
found craigslist history search for women
smelled like unfamiliar girly lotion
came home from work late and angry
blaming me for lack of sex
always turns off the laptop when i walk in the room
eyes look weird blank
barking at the kids
hasn't gone to therapy in weeks

It's pretty clear now, isn't it?

4.  Confidence.  

When it's time to confront the fabricator do it with absolute confidence.  This takes practice and may be severely uncomfortable at first, but dang girl, why shouldn't you be confident about the red flags you see?  Review your list!  It's like watching a horror film and when the babysitter answers the phone and hears, "have you checked the children?"  Why does she hang up and go on with her math homework as if it's nothing at all!!!??  Red Flag, call 911!  Same deal ladies, red flags are there for a reason. Trust yourself because they can be easily explained away.  That is the biggest lie of all, and it's often the one we tell ourselves.

5.  Practice and then have the conversation

Prepare yourself physically.  Maintain eye contact.  Stand or sit up strait.  Open your posture, don't fold your arms or furrow your brow. Maybe raise your eyebrows a bit, nod your head instead of shaking it. Cast off any kind of sad, depressed or unsure looks. Tell yourself you are strong and capable.  Review your list. Practice in the mirror. I know it's weird but it helps.  You know you're being lied to and you're ready for the truth

I talk to myself all the time.  I play imaginary conversations over and over in my head.  I play out different scenarios and directions.  I tell myself what I think and how I feel, that way when I'm confronted in real life, I'm prepared.

Here's an example conversation

Me: Hey, let's talk. I know you have something you need to tell me.  And it's time for you to be honest.  (this is my favorite phrase.  You can always go back to it.  It's simple and direct.  I used this all the time.  It was my fall back.  If I didn't know what to say, I said this.)

Mr. Scabs: like what?

Me:  Nod your head, use your open encouraging body language and facial expressions. I know that you've made some mistakes lately with your addiction and I'm ready for you to tell me about them.  

Then be silent.  Watch their body language, their eyes, listen to their voice or even their breathing.  Are you getting the usual?  Excuses, blaming, denial, anger or blank looks like he doesn't know what your talking about.  Or the ultimate, does he storm out of the house flabbergasted that you'd say such a thing!!  Beware, these are not the actions of a penitent man.  This is a confirmation that he is hiding something.  It is a boost to your confidence.  Your red flags really were RED.

Let him do this, all the time watching. Take a quick check of yourself physically, are you making eye contact, are you remaining positive?  Are you hunched over or sitting up straight?  Are you frowning or have knowing confident look on your face. Then, calmly continue.

Me: Come on, let's really talk about this.  I know you still have something you need to take ownership for and be honest about.  And, now is the time for you to tell me.

Mr. Scabs: What?  What do I need to be honest about?  

Me: Its not my job to tell you what it is.  Its your job to be transparent.  If there's any chance of working this out you'll need to trust me enough to tell the truth. 

Mr. Scabs: I can't believe you are accusing me!

Me: This isn't an accusation.  But, I do know there's something you need to tell me. So please, let's talk about this.  I'm ready.

And then be silent and listen again.

If after a few attempts you're still getting the "I don't know what your talking about" or other excuse, I'd change my tactic.

Me: Mr Scabs, look, I know that you are struggling, It's clear. I also know you've made some mistakes you need to come clean about.  So, why don't you take some time to think about it and I'll come talk to you again tonight after dinner.

Smile, nod yes and maybe even gently touch his arm, then walk away!!!  Come back with the same conversation when he's had time to think and settle.

If he starts to open up and be honest.  Listen and take mental notes.  Don't act surprised by any new information.  Take it all in.  And then tell him how you feel.

Me:  I feel so hurt that you're keeping secrets from me.  I want to create safety and trust between us again but I'm not sure you're interested. I'm sad you choose to keep secrets again. What are we going to do?

On the other hand, if you get nothing from this conversation.  It you are being stonewalled or yelled at or manipulated walk away.  These are the epitome of reasons to detach.  Try the conversation later, after he's calmed down or maybe with a therapist.  If there's physical abuse or violence get away!   If the conversation ever leads somewhere dangerous walk away.  You must have an escape plan.  Take your kids to the park, the mall, your sisters house or go to a movie, pack your bags and drive to North Carolina.

If he in anyway wants to rid himself from the hell he's created he will hopefully tell even the tiniest sliver of truth and when he does build on it.

Mr. Scabs: Well, I went to the casino a few weeks ago and i was going to tell you about the money I made and I was going to account for it.  

Me:  Right, I know. (even if you don't know, say you know.  Maintain your open posture and eye contact). How did it feel to go to the casino and not tell me?  What do you think that does to our relationship?

Don't ask details.  Leave it up to him to tell the story and the details.  Try not to get angry and when he divulges more information always act like you already knew the details, whether you did or not. Nod your head and say, "yes, I know."

As a side-note, he may ask how you know.  Don't say how you are figuring this out. Don't tell him what you suspect or have found.  Don't let on that you've installed Stealth Genie on his tablet or phone. Recently, in light of Edward Snowden, I told Mr. Scabs about Stealth Genie.  After a bit of conversation, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't blame you."

I'd usually end the conversation explaining what I was going to do in light of his lies.  Detach.  Go to yoga. Take some alone to to figure this out.  Pack your bags and drive to North Carolina.  Whatever. Then walk away.  Maybe there will even be some bonding between you.  The truth does funny things!

I believe this is one way you can let them hit bottom.  Let go.  Don't get involved in their recovery actions or accountability.  Just walk away and take care of yourself.  Do what you need to do, talk to whomever you need to talk to.

All of this is a skill.  It takes time to learn.  Mistakes are ok.  The biggest feedback I get is this:  What if it's really nothing?  What if i'm just being paranoid?  Read your red flag list again.  You're not making this up.  And honestly, if you're wrong, you'll know it.

An honest man sounds completely different than a lying man.

 



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