Monday, June 9, 2014

diving into the inky indigo water


Summer in Phoenix isn't popular.  But, there is something I love about it.  The cleansing heat, loose cotton dresses, copious amounts of ice water and sweet tea, homemade watermelon popsicles but the best part may be the midnight-moonlight swimming.  Diving into the inky indigo water; fresh, cooling, mysterious.  The crystal water by day transformed by the cover of evening into a deep dark pool.  I always wonder if there's a shark or an eel or some other deep sea creature with teeth awaiting the dip of my toe, disturbing the black mirror.  But there isn't.  The pool is the same at night, as it is in the day, or is it?  Is there magic in there?  I float, braving the imaginary eel.  Resting on my back in the still water, my eyes fixed on the enveloping midnight sky and I relax.  I surrender.  Time waits for me.  Sometimes, are we afraid to relax and be still?  Afraid of the creatures with teeth?

I first learned how to surrender with my body--yoga, meditation, running, floating in a dark pool--and then my mind was able to follow.  I met a lady at camp scabs that asked me if I was a kinesthetic learner.  I suppose I am.  I've been fascinated by the idea ever since meeting her.

The irritability washes off me, heavy and dripping, like tar, to the bottom of the dark pool.  Yes, I'm irritated and bothered!  This recovery-self-discovery business is difficult and I feel another layer preparing to flake off revealing the newly discovered parts of me.

Tonight I baked a strawberry rhubarb pie.  I could smell it's sweetness as I floated and then I could smell that crispy burning.  oops!

Tomorrow, we'll have pie for breakfast.

I feel such love for you all and hope you find value in taking quiet moments to surrender and listen to yourself.

xo
Scabs

11 comments:

  1. Hi. Learning styles are fascinating--I'm such a visual learner that I sometimes have a hard time envisioning what it would be like to be a kinesthetic learner. Also, I agree that learning to listen to yourself is difficult but important.

    I don't want to spread negativity ("that sounds like a prelude to something rude" you think), but I also didn't want to leave without pointing out that you have posted a picture of a bikini-clad woman on a blog about pornography and addiction recovery. I admit the water in the picture is beautiful, and if you love "loose cotton sun dresses" it probably doesn't bother you. Just know that there are those in your audience who are bothered by it. Sorry, thanks for the post, and feel free to erase this comment.
    R

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    1. I understand the point being made here, and I invite further exploration. The reality of addiction is not that bikinis are awful-- it's our spouse's reactions to women in bikini's that's awful. It is not the responsibility of the woman to wear or not wear a bikini for fear of how someone else's husband may respond. She is not the keeper of his agency. So quickly and with ease we are trained to shame women-- for their too tempting bodies, for their imperfect bodies, for being hot enough to illicit lust, for enticing and then becoming "ruined" through pregnancy and birth. Bodies are not meant to be ornamental. They are not meant to be served as visual objects to harm or protect the thought patterns of others. It's hot. Wear a bikini. Or don't. Wear a loose cotton sun dress. Or don't. What feels comfortable? What connects you to you? What helps you accomplish the things you are out to accomplish? We cannot be reduced to be valued by how much a stranger wants to have sex with us. And alternatively, how much a stranger does not want to have sex with us.

      We cannot win this fight if we start pitting women against women. We simply cannot.

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    2. Hi Amommyous. Thank you for not jumping on me. I appreciate the tone with which you expressed your opinion.

      Full disclosure: I am the husband (“burn him!” you hopefully don’t think). I agree in a number of respects, and your comment got me thinking deeper about this topic. Firstly, I agree about the utility of clothing—by all means wear whatever clothing you feel good about, especially now that it’s hot and especially when it comes to swimwear. I feel there is a difference between what you wear and images you post to a blog, though. Also, I know this is Scab’s blog. She can post whatever she wants for whatever reason. However, this blog is also attached to the LDS Addiction Recovery site, and I like checking both sides. For a recovering addict the internet is not a safe place, but I think authors who have linked to that family of blogs have an extra responsibility to be sensitive. If I see a woman walking down the sidewalk in skimpy bikini I may be triggered, but I don’t blame her or yell out the window “wear some clothes!” I would love to feel safe going to any blog attached to the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs site without fear of being triggered.
      R

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    3. Dear R and Anonymous,

      18 months ago I couldn't go to my favorite donut shop...and i love donuts. I'd be triggered. The shop is owned by a vietnamese family and I was triggered by all things Asian (sorry my Asian friends-as you know this has nothing to do with you). Maybe about two years ago I was triggered by long gaudy fingernails. I was triggered by mr scabs belt. I was triggered by the tv, movies, radio shows, blog posts, I was triggered by sharing at our couples sa meeting and conversations with friends, talks at church, times of day, certain ring tones on the phone....and a ton of other things. Triggers take a behemoth of brain, heart and soul power to overcome. I found that my safety from triggers comes from within. Sure, I could ask Mr Scabs to wear a different belt because it triggered me, but really, it wasn't the belt that caused the turmoil within. So I get it. I get triggers. When I posted the photo above, I thought about the bikini for a second, I've been around enough wopas to know that for some it's an issue and even a trigger. But the power of the photo and evocation of emotion I was trying to convey outweighed the fear of some disagreement. And I'm ok with that. But that is the way of this blog. There are many many posts here that could be labeled unsafe and triggery. And I'm ok with that too. i thank both of you for voicing your truth-because each idea is valid. R, I pray you find safety from the fear and triggers you mentioned. I know they can be haunting and intense. Annon, I pray that the shame and fingerpoint of women and men and clothing and skin also loses it's power. We are in this together. xo

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  2. surrender to fear or fight it? or is it a sequence? these questions roll around with me all day, every day.

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    1. Nora....I've been thinking about the sequence of fear and fighting all day and I think you're onto something. Maybe it's a great recipe---one that includes a glob of fear, a cup of fight, a smattering of trusting our great Father and a pinch of surrender...He will hold you in safety even when you feel out of control. With everything that I am, I believe that.

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    2. Ms Scabs . . . .I love that recipe. Nora, . . . .you are amazing and so are your thoughts.
      Angie B

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  3. i love the picture. i think it's it beautiful!!

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  4. the picture is beautiful. The water is beautiful. The picture looks so refreshing, like it's just about the perfect image for the lovely blog post. I wonder, though, if a less objectifying image could have been found? As a recovering porn addict myself, I have learned a lot about the sacredness of the human body. I have learned a lot about modesty. I have shaken my fist, figuratively, at people who put the responsibility on women to keep men pure. I have engaged in debates about modesty, insisting that being modest is not just about the clothing WOMEN wear. I maintain that a woman should be able to walk into the scuzziest bar in America, wearing nothing but a teeny skirt and halter top, spilling out her breasts like a badge, and safely expect that she won't be assaulted or objectified. If I look at a woman or a man and think something lustful, that's on ME, 100%.

    But if I turn my body into an object, if I'm the one who wears the halter top and the mini skirt, then I am illustrating that I do not respect this amazing and beautiful body that God has blessed me with. I believe we are commanded to dress modestly because it shows respect for our bodies, primarily. Less so as to keep the world pure.

    It's not so much the "trigger" potential this image has that bugs me, it's more that *I* feel it is disrespectful to the human body. This is a picture of a commonly objectified body- a woman in a bikini- and she has no face. The facelessness further lends to objectification. We can't see her eyes so it take more effort to see her as a human being. That effort is my responsibility but I'd rather not have to have that responsibility on an LDS blog.

    That said, it could be well-argued that the image is not remotely sexual. Indeed, I don't believe the intent of the artist was to elicit a sexual response. But, a sexual response is easy.

    I don't have to read any blog I don't want to read. It's my choice to come here and read - no one is forcing me to. I admit, the image surprised me and took me off guard. I wasn't expecting to see it here. My filter blocks images like these in Google. But, it's still my choice to read or not to read, see or not to see. It's not like this blog is filled with surprising images. I'll probably come back when I think this post is far enough past that I won't see the image on the page- why tempt myself? I say post whatever you want to post, images including, and your audience will evolve based on your posts. You're a talented writer, with the power to evoke feelings by your words. You are doing much good, much good indeed.

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    1. Stephanie, thank you for your ideas, your thoughts, your beliefs and your kind words.

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  5. This post speaks beauty and truth to me. Thank you for sharing the poetry of your words. I love you dearly.

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hi

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