Thursday, October 3, 2013

bags under my eyes

credit


trau·ma

  [trou-muhtraw-] 
noun
          a wound or shock produced by sudden injury, as from violence or accident.

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Do you have bags under you eyes?  Cause I did.  

By the time the sun set on a cool day in November 2010 my world had erupted and was shocked by violence.  At the same time my eyes seemed to sink deeper into my skull and puffy tear-induced bags made permanent residence under my eyes.  This was a clear sign of trauma in my life.

Often, I hear women downplay their pain, confiding that "it's just porn."  But, I don't believe it. Pain is pain.  It doesn't land somewhere on a sliding scale showing that one betrayal or abuse is worse than another.  It just is.  

Haven't we all spent infuriatingly sleepless hours wrestling in our beds replaying snippets of our lives only to still be agitated and awake at 4:37 am and ready to tear our hair out?  Haven't we all spent days where we ate too much and the other days where we forgot to eat at all?  And what about the insanity of checking internet histories and phone records and maybe even GPS coordinates (ummm, no, i did not do that)?  Or haven't we all glared and shot daggers and felt utterly inferior to the woman with overwhelmingly sexualized jugs spilling out of her tank.  And maybe for you, women haven't been the object of lust, maybe it's men or even the most unthinkable of all, children.  

Do you feel the loss of breath every time you drive past a massage parlor?  And honestly, for me, the sight of any Asian: man, woman, child or even the mention of Kung Pow Chicken made my blood run cold.  Haven't we all panicked at the mesmerizing glow of a computer screen?  Or even felt prickly anxiety as our spouses tried to hold our hands?  Haven't we all felt hopelessly broken, used, discarded and lost? 


It's not our fault and our feelings are completely natural.  This is Betrayal Trauma. 

It's time to take care of ourselves.


16 comments:

  1. okay okay okay I'll finally do it!

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    1. YAY! :-) This makes me happy :-)

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    2. Jane!!! I don't know if I've been happier about anybody else doing this. Ever. Really. PLEASE tell me (or post or whatever) how it goes!

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  2. I really appreciate this post because I totally relate! Days when I eat too much or days when I forget to eat at all. Waking up in the middle of the night to the horror of my life. It feels so validating to have you in my life because I can say "trauma" and YES, you get it! Reading this, I know you understand that dark, dark time in a way that no one else can. And we're still going. We are amazing! :) I love you dearly.

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    1. Chanty! Hope you know how much I adore you. xoxo

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  3. How timely can it get? My present for our anniversary... a gift card to the local nail salon...asian run nail salon... no clue as to the sick to my stomach feeling I get just thinking about asians waiting on me..... should I laugh?!

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    1. you should laugh! a big ole belly laugh!!! I thought I could handle a pedicure recently but I just felt so sad for all those women working there. I wonder what their stories are. I can't go to another salon like that, it doesn't feel right.

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    2. If it helps at all, those women in those "massage parlors" probably loathe the situation they are in and are disgusted by having to fondle the parts of men who treat them like sexbots instead of genuine people. I say that as someone of Asian ancestry who also has an unfaithful husband. Y'all's anxiety is understandable but those sisters are victims as well.

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    3. dang! I just wrote you back and then somehow erased it all, but the basic gist was this:

      it's the thought of these women and their incredible pain that keeps me up at night. They and the 10's of thousands of women and children like them. sex trafficking is one of the worlds most heinous abuses. What do we do?

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    4. I wish I knew. It's a gigantic heartbreak. I don't know that I can even imagine the horror of a life like that (and the lack of basic humanity in the people who exploit those women and girls).

      Hopefully I didn't unpack my personal baggage all over your post? I'd just feel terrible if my appearance triggered someone's trauma when I actually suffer the same trauma myself.

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    5. I wish I knew too. Don't worry about unpacking your personal baggage here...this is what it's for. It's trauma. And in the Scabs world there's compassion enough for everyone. But truly, it is one of my deepest pains. I can't reconcile the man who trashed and used these women with the man in front of me. Neither can Mr Scabs.

      p.s. honestly, i'm over my Asian triggers. I'm really sorry it hurt you. can we be friends? When can we go for lunch? :)

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    6. Eeek! I'm so sorry it came across like I was insulted. I promise I really wasn't at all. It's just that I know what a gut-punch it is to see something random that instantly takes you back to your pain and I was wishing there was some way to minimize my own accidental impact/make Asian ladies seem safer. Does that make any sense? Words are hard. :p

      Totally friends! :)

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    7. I know!! Lunch and faces and words coming out of our mouths would be so much better. It makes sense and I completely get it. xoxo

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