Thursday, August 8, 2013

the damn notebook

credit

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CAMP IDAHO ALERT:  
I've sent an email to all interested campers with some info.  If you didn't get an email and are considering Camp Scabs.  Send me a quick note, I'll fwd it to you.

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I'd been having some moments.

You know the kind that are filled with fiery emotion and confusion hopelessness and a loss of the general guidance I feel in my life. Then magnified by the cycle that makes us women.   Of course, when this happens the only thing to do is put everyone to bed early, make a heaping plate of nachos, sit in my skivvies in front of the fan and torture myself by watching "The Notebook".  

Uggg, why doesn't Mr. Scabs hang perilously from a ferris wheel begging for a date and other stuff?

I've made progress, I used to torture myself by staying up past midnight to watch "Cheaters" while spewing out a slew of swear words, spitting and emailing Elsie.  She'd validate me, calm me down and send me off to bed.

I've had other moments where the only thing to do was to pull on my shorts and lace my running shoes and race out the door with Bon Jovi as my side kick.  I ran and ran and ran until I came to a clump of trees and then I kept running trying to breathe in the humid warmth of the summer leaves.  Then the road swerved around a corner and then another, so I raced around those corners.  Spent and out of breath I reached a small river and a rusty old bridge.  Slowing to a jog, I crossed over the river and sat on the side rail of the bridge.  

Pastures and cows to my left, trees to my right.  A truck drove by shaking the bridge as it crossed.  I just sat there.  I sat there and stared at the river and the blue summer sky and the glow of light through the trees and the cows and the plastic grocery sack stuck in the muck and willows at the edge of the river: I stared at all this while Bon Jovi strummed in my ear.   Then I heard it like I'd never heard it before, "You give love a bad name!".  In an instant tears jerked from my eyes and my hoarse voice screamed into the wind, 

"Shot through the heart and your to blame, you give love a bad name!  
BAD NAME!!"

But, we all know I wasn't hollering at the wind, I was shouting at Mr. Scabs.  I was grieving.

When I told Mr. Scabs that I had shouted about love and bad names at the wind, we laughed a bit and felt sad a bit and looked into each others teary eyes as we kind of smiled and frowned at the same time, then we shrugged as if there's nothing else to do but move forward, linked pinky fingers and took our kids to the zoo. 

These little moments of emotion have become so valuable to me.  It's a release of the deep darkness that was once the norm in my life.  I've discovered a healthy way to explore these feelings and come to know them.  Knowing the dark is the only way to feel the fuller light and cleanliness that is divinely ours.  Because He who made us, made opposition in all things.

Understanding my dark lends way to more brilliance in my light.

27 comments:

  1. Hah, exact same song came up on the radio few weeks ago while driving, but I was lucky that my partner was sitting right next to me and I was able to scream it into his ear "you give love a BAD NAME!" :)) I really didn't regret my bad singing, he deserves it. I started crying when Billy Idols Eyes without a face came up though... :/

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  2. I love your last line. It's so true. That's what I'm finding. The dark is sucky, but figuring it out is beautiful, Nd the darker the darkness, the brighter the light we find.

    Thanks for this post :) you're awesome!

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    1. I couldn't agree more and...YOU ARE AWESOME!

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  3. What a great post, Scabs. I'm glad you embraced the icky, dark feelings. As much as they hurt it's good to feel them because they make the light and love that much more special. I made the mistake of shoving those feelings down for so long and it backfired on me and I ended up a broken mess on my kitchen floor. Once I worked my way through those feelings and really felt them, that was when my healing began. I began to feel whole again. I began to forgive and love my husband again. I'm so happy to read your words "there's nothing else to do but move forward, linked pinky fingers" it shows such hard work on both your parts. Go You!!! Many hugs!!!

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    1. Ahhhh, you're making me tear up Elsie. Thanks.

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  4. I am fairly new to your blog spot and I really enjoy reading your posts. It has made me feel better. Sex addicts do give love a bad name! Bon Jovi said it so well!

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    1. Welcome Gerber, i'm happy that you found this safe place to take a break and catch your breath.

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  5. Thanks for sharing this. I was starting to feel like maybe there was something really wrong in my recovery because I kept cycling back to the same darkness. Part of that is a husband who isn't really in recovery, so those discoveries are always popping back up. Thanks for writing about a way to handle it! I freaked out, melted down, and was an anxious mess for a few hours earlier this week. That worked out the darkness, but it wasn't a very positive experience for me or the kids. Running sounds good.

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    1. Ahhh, there's nothing wrong with you! We all feel these cycles, it's like a continual sifting process....sifting out all the darkness over time. For me, sometimes running is the best thing i can do!

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  6. YOU ARE AWESOME! You are so healthy in your processing of emotions, dealing with husbands sh#t and everything! I seriously picture your detaching video in my mind as I lay on my bed, sad about something my husband did! it's the best!

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    1. What is this detaching video?! I'm curious :)

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    2. Just for you Michelle, I will make a video for you and post it. It's just something my old yoga teacher taught me... you'll love it! and it's a bit of comic relief.

      Camilla, you're awesome! and that's what it's all about, getting healthy.

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  7. The Notebook is a sucky movie to watch when you feel "off". (((hugs)))

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    1. it's what we call terribly fantastic!!

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  8. I used to think that the negative emotions - sadness, depression, anger were bad and made me a bad person. So I shoved them down. I thought we were meant to be perpetually happy and positive at every single given second. Even though it took something big, with powerful negative emotions, I'm glad that I have learned that emotions just are. We can feel them and that doesn't make us terrible. Your last bit put it so beautifully. Thanks for all that you share!

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    1. I think that's normal, it seems like a lot of us shove uncomfortable feelings down and ignore them. and I love what you said, emotions just are. in fact, sometimes i feel like they are even a very personalized road map.

      Thanks MM

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  9. Ah oh my gosh. I am just bawling. Something prompted me to check the blog tonight. In the midst of one of these moments. Raging, confused, pissed off, sad and pathetic. I sat here and didn't want to move on. I felt like there must be more to make it right to make me feel better! It's not fair! He is fine while I hit a trigger and go off the deep end. But alas. That is exactly the only thing to do.. Move on.. Hand I hand. And though I may not want to hold his right now. Doing so is the only way to healing. Or I may as well walk away now.
    Thank you April for this post. For everything. You are my hope and one of my guiding lights

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    1. Oh my friend, I know exactly how you feel. And it's certainly not fair but sometimes when it's time to move on and I don't feel like holding his hand I just link my pinky finger with his and call it good. After all, we can only give what we can give, right?

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  10. I thought I was the only one who was crazy on doing the cheaters thing. Maybe it's because we know the bad guy is gonna get it in the end. LOL the things we do;-)

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  11. Beautiful sweet girl I am so sorry.... When anxiety and powerful emotions take over I always wish for a roller coaster ride...

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    1. That's a good idea, I'd like to get on a roller-coaster too. Exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Seems like it would just expel the anxiety right out of me! Thank you.

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  12. Your so funny I would sing that song too very loud "You give love a bad name" great isn't it..Have you ever heard of Gerald Rogers?

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  13. He is a motivational speaker and is having a retreat in Salt Lake City with this couple Tony and Bri Litster he has a facebook page I just happened to stumble upon anyway this couple does alot of work with porn addiction and relationship rescue... so anyway they are having a retreat for couples and singles who have gone through a divorce seemed like something up my alley so I'm coming out west in October!!

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hi

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