Thursday, August 22, 2013

Backyard Taco

Me, circa 1986, not really but I wish

I get a little jeally when I see the cute little family at Backyard Taco.  You know the one, the husband holding the hand of the adorable pregnant wife and 3 well behaved little kids following them around.   Eating tacos, drinking horchata, I think I can see the love in their eye as they chat; is that what love looks like?  Ahhh, comparison (it is the thief of joy).

I get a little jeally because being married to an addict, for me, has become a bit like living with infertility.  I am not in a position to get pregnant.  As much as I would have loved more children, it hasn't worked out that way.  Years of wondering why he didn't want another child confused me. I thought he was waiting for the right moment.    This is one of my greatest unresolved pains.  A loss.

I have been given two healthy, amazing children.  And, this feeling does not diminish them, In fact, we share this heartache together; they wish for more siblings.  An addition to our tribe.  Another brother, another sister.  Another connection.

As Jane pointed out to me the other day, we are asking for the bare minimum in a marriage, not a brood of little towheads or a perfect lunch at Backyard Taco.  We're asking for loyalty.

Do the hard work guys.  Fight laziness.  Cultivate self-awareness and empathy.  Get gung-ho, balls to the wall, hyped up.  Make getting healthy your number one priority!  Love is so much more fulfilling than addiction.

I truly believe anything can be healed, anyone can change.  I am proof.  And I started by rejecting the worlds lie that change is hard and practically impossible and you are what you are.

Change isn't that hard.  I love change!  I love it!  And, it all starts with believing.

I believe.

22 comments:

  1. "This is one of my great unresolved pains." Sometimes I secretly wish that I didn't discover Husband's addiction until we had more children. Acceptance is so hard.

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    1. Sometimes I wished that too but I'm sure if that was my situation I'd be bitter that he kept allowing us to have children while he was living his double life. You're right, no matter what acceptance is hard

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  2. I have slowly developed an unpublished theory around agency and addiction that you have touched on. Some of the theories around addiction seem closely knitted to the adversary's plan. At times the world supports the idea we can't change. Choice no longer an option. Really? We are chemically wired wrong has been thrown out in academics ever since we started to see (with incredible new technology) the brain change when we change. Addicts brains can change is new science. What about the heart? There is newer science showing that the heart, yes the heart, sends signals to the brain. Have you read or heard about this new research? Spiritually kind of fascinating. Scriptures have new (like knew) meaning. Who and what is in charge of change? Our heart? Our brain? Just pondering thoughts worth pondering. Hugs, Kandee

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    1. Kandee, I share this "unpublished theory" with you. It's not a popular way of thinking but I believe it is the un-convoluted truth. My heart speaks to my brain all the time and I'm sure yours does too.

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  3. I'm curious as to why those of you who have decided to stop having children.

    My story is a little different. My husband came clean to me before we were married, but has continued to struggle throughout our 6 year marriage. It is one of the most difficult things I have endured and sometimes I blame myself because I "chose" it (although that is a whole other ball game and I know now how naive I was then). I have chosen to stay and to fight this disease that affects our family. Anyway, we have suffered through 3 devastating miscarriages and have yet to have a child. We plan on having children and want that more than anything so I wonder, what are reasons some of you have chosen to stop? Is that too personal? I just feel like I cannot give up that dream because of my husband's pornography addiction.

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    1. I have three kids. My husband never wanted any more than that, but I did. I could probably talk him in to it if I wanted to, but he's not in recovery and our relationship is not stable. Bringing another child into a potentially doomed relationship is not what I want and doesn't feel like the right thing to do for me.

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    2. I have two kids too. No more either. Two is exactly what we are supposed to have. Me and the kids think about what it would be like to have more, but when are done we realize that two kids is a great number.

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    3. I had a little laugh here because the first thought that came to my mind was...you have to have sex to have a baby! But honestly, for us it just hasn't been right. I still hold out hope that someday it will be right.

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    4. A second thought, he hasn't wanted anymore. And I can't make a man a father if he doesn't want to be.

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  4. 10 points for referencing one of my fave places to eat (crazy potato, yum!). Put Republica Empanada on your list if you haven't already been;). Love it... "rejecting the world's lies that change is hard". I too, believe in change! PS from outside observation, my family would pass as a "ideal" family...but in reality there is not such thing. :)

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    1. What! Alright, next Monday be there with your people between 5:30 and 6. We'll eat together! I'd love to meet your perfect family :)

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  5. I have 3kids and the last 2 my husband was hiding his addiction. I know they are supposed to be here, but I have had to deal with resentment towards him because of that and I can't ever see myself having another baby with him. I do not feel like I'm done with gaving kids though. I think I will again one day, with someone else. I feel like I'm a rare reader of this blog that I don't think I can come to terms with acceptance of having this addiction filled life. I'm not 100% sure and I'm relying on god to know what's best for me and my kids. I'm in awe that you have been able to stick it out and change!

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    1. I know exactly what you mean!! sending you my love and peace.

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  6. Loved what you wrote! I believe in change too! We choose to change our behavior and it starts changing the brain. It's amazing! Someone recently told me I'm living the dream. If only they knew...sadly, my cynical self thought, 'No, living a nightmare'. But I'm coming to terms that this marriage and addiction are my refining fire and sometimes I think life is so cool that we get to go through these challenges because God loves us and wants us to grow.

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    1. Thank you. Change is a fantastic thing to make come alive!!

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  7. I have two children (twins) who came into existence via the scientific miracle of IVF. My husband had an affair while I was pregnant and I found out 5 days before our twins were born. Utterly devastating to me for many reasons. Now, 2.5 years later, we're still in our ups & downs and working so very, very hard. Yes, for the kiddos, but for ourselves too. Once of the things we talk about sometimes is that we still have one frozen embryo -- "just chillin'" as we say. We muse about bringing this little guy or gal into existence as a rebirth of our relationship, but big parts of me are so scared that that's the wrong thing to do until our relationship feels deeply good, solid, and stable. So tricky.

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    1. I remember your story Erica. And Im right there with you on the "scared that that's the wrong thing to do" school of thought.

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  8. Scabs, you are just amazing. You inspire so many people.
    Thanks for being so open with the world. I hope my story can help someone someday too.

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    1. Here I go: www.lettinggoofluna@blogspot.com

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    2. contrats georgie! Let's hear your voice!!

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hi

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