Thursday, April 25, 2013

Of Addicts and Assholes


Disclosure is like the day I forgot to wear pants to work.

Sometimes I like to ride my bike to work and my very cool employer built a mini-locker room with a shower on the first floor.  I'd get up at the crack of dawn, pack my work clothes and don my hot pink spandex with the kind of confidence that comes with 5am darkness.  

One morning, with soggy hair, I frantically dug through my bag.  Tearing through everything, throwing my things in the air, spilling to contents on the floor.  That sick gut-dropping feeling took over and I'm sure the blood drained from my face as I walked the stairs dressed in a cardigan, leopard flats and hot pink biking pants.  It was an out of body experience.

This is the same way his full disclosure churned in my belly and the blood drained my face white as my heart beat deeper into my chest.

The biggest question disclosure created for me was, "Is he an addict or an asshole?  Is he ill with his very choice making ability stolen by an addiction that has taken over?  Or is he the scarier narcissistic sociopath?  Or is he some weird addict/asshole hybrid?"

Trying to quell my endless questions he said, "I thought prostitutes were better.  At least I didn't have an affair with the neighbor or something."

I whipped around, "Which neighbor?!!??"  (Oh yes, we had all these ugly conversations)

But really, he was trying to make a point.  Recognizing the significant difference of sex with a hooker and sex with a willing woman.  The point backfired on him.  In betrayal, neither is better or worse and both have their daggers.

I've been finding things out about myself and all this has led me to believe I am patient and forgiving and strong. Things I never knew I was.  Most days I feel like I'm healing.  Most days I am doing well.  And when I am sad or overwhelmed I can reach out get the help I need.  I can do all this with or without Mr. Scabs.  And honestly, mostly I am doing it without Mr Scabs.  I'm not sure we are both in a place to heal our marriage yet.  Working toward it, but not yet.  A mountain of individual healing and repair work must come first.

Even after all that healing, I have one major unresolved pain.  I can't find a place of peace when it comes to Mr. Scabs undeniable and terrible abuse of women, of prostitutes of human beings.  This injury seems inconsolable.

We talk about it but i still can't find peace.  I have a heart for these women.  The unbelievably painful and degrading series of events that leads a girl or woman into prostitution isn't pretty.  No matter what it looks like on the outside.

Just like every other injury and pain I have to pass through them and find the bridge that crosses over the white-capped sea to the other side finding peace with the addict and assholeness of Mr. Scabs.


Hope your weekend is full of self-care.  


p.s.  I sent an email about Camp Scabs.  
If you got it great, if you didn't and want to join us click here and contact me.


  1. "Or is he some weird addict/asshole hybrid?"" I have to say this line made me chuckle, but I have wondered the same thing many times. It is tough making sense of the shock/horror of it all.

    I do feel hope when I read your posts, though. Thanks for sharing the tough stuff and the hope.

    1. sometimes we have to laugh at this weird world we live in, right? haha

  2. I would have to say you are very patient, strong, and forgiving. Thanks for the book suggestion, I'll have to look into it. :) wish I could go on the camptrip...that sounds fun!

    1. you are so nice! Thanks for your confidence and wish u could come too! next time...look for more camps in the future

  3. Thanks for this post. When I'm blogging or thinking about the facts of my situation I cannot understand why any reasonable woman, I like to include myself in that category, is still in this relationship. On paper it just doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm trying to figure out how much is the addiction and how much is a flawed person. Where's the line of what I can live with? I think it changes. Anyway, you are strong and amazing. I hope I'm getting there too.

    p.s. I sort of have a pink pants experience- I was at the gym before going to work and forgot my bra. I only had my completely DRENCHED sports bra that smelled like a garbage can. I went without. I don't know how noticeable it was, but I was miserable all day!

    1. No bra! I love it!! I'm kind of a bra-burning hippie like that. that might be worse than my pink spandex.

      but I know exactly what you mean. in my heart I want to tell all of you not to do what I'm doing. We wouldn't wish this kind of heartbreak on anyone, would we?

  4. I love the image of you in leopard flats and hot pink biking pants... :)

    Did you read the forum post where the wife went and tracked down her husband's 'affair'? (woman from a massage parlor). he was thinking of 'running away with her' and was 'so in love with her' and when the wife tracked her down, the Lover Woman barely remembered her husband at all. She had so many 'boyfriends' who were willing to run away with her that they all became a blur. She HATED all of them and was all too happy to give the wife any and all information that would help her with her custody battle....

    1. not a pretty picture with my hot pink pants!

      I didn't see that post but it's a pretty powerful story. this reality had been a sad realization for Mr scabs to come to. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Have you heard of Robert Jensen? He is approaching pornography and the sex industry from this social feminist perspective that kind of rocks. He wrote a book I wouldn't reccommend to everyone as it digs a bit deep into the sexual exploitation of women but your post causes me to share. 'Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity". Both you and your husband may find it a helpful read as you search for a shared understanding. There are also a couple youtube videos of Robert Jensen exploring some of the ideas found in his book. Here is one Robert Jensen - "Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. There is also a 4 part interview with Robert Jensen on youtube you might find interesting.

  6. oops not sure what happened with the youtube link turning into the title but I will try again.

    1. Thanks freckles, this is exactly how I feel. And the question is how do we cross that bridge and heal those feelings and abuses and his view of women and how does Mr scabs regain his masculinity? this where we are now in our healing. ill tell you more via email. Thanks for the info.

  7. p.s. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. that sucks. I think you rock.

    Camp Scabs AZ whoo hoo!!

    1. Its alright. it's all part of the process, just every other phase I've been through. Thanks :-)

  8. I'm in this cycle of doubt too. Which is worse? That my H cheated on me with a solitary person, they dated... the fell in 'love' and he was trying to REPLACE me. I then WISH it was a prostitute. Then I feel GUILTY because I am an ardent feminist who has worked against the trafficking of women/girls and against the abuse sex workers. So then I am conflicted. Who is this person I have become?

    Best wishes for your continued healing. I agree, I think our healing is not defined by our spouses but by own direction. I can't make my husband heal but I can show him how I am healing and maybe that's good enough to start.

  9. I love reading this, " I can do all this with or without Mr. Scabs." Because once I realized I had to start healing by myself, not relying on him all the time, I did so much better. When I had a support group to reach out to for a lending hand, my healing process grew by leaps and bounds.

    I am glad you continue to grow, Scabs. You rock!! Have fun at your camp!!

  10. I find myself having this conversation with myself daily. Is he an asshole? Or is he an addict? Definitely a narcissist. Possibly a sociopath. Probably a hybrid. And if he is one or more of these things, why do I still love him? Why do I still want him to come home and put our marriage back together? What does that make me (the hooker hunter, yep, that was me)?

  11. I love this post! No one who hasn't been through this can appreciate the extra humiliation of knowing that their husband not only cheated but in doing so engaged in illegal activities that could cause way more than the usual heartbreak, and then actually sticking around. In my case, there was no 'normal' other woman who I could analyze and compare myself to, even blame. There were too many to even admit that I know about, and it's kind of hard to compete with - let's just say - variety. (Imagine my surprise when something made me check the phone records and find the most ridiculous paper trail ever.) I haven't figured out if I'm really stupid or extremely compassionate. Either way, it's nice to hear from others who are in the same boat, whether it be sailing into the sunset or abandoning a sinking ship.

  12. So many thoughts about this! I'll randomly write, as I'm apt to do these days. :-)
    First- the grass always seems greener. My H's affair was a 6-month one with a woman he worked with. Purely physical, on his part. When I found out I wish desperately that he had just had an emotional affair because somehow you can 'undo' that. Many of us have had experiences in life where we *thought* we loved someone but later realized we didn't. Not so with sex (unfortunately). The 'I thought we had sex but actually we didn't' doesn't happen so often! I wished many things in those early days -- that he didn't have an affair, that if he had to have an affair that it was an emotional one that he could 'take back', I wished for him to be a sex addict to be able to better explain this (ha!), I wished for him to have a severe mental illness to be able to explain this, I wished I weren't pregnant (because affairs with kids are so much easier - ha!), and on & on. I look back & chuckle at myself. I didn't want to accept my horrid, tragic new reality and wished for anything & everything to be a bit different than it was, as if those 'other states' would really be better.

    In terms of the "with or without Mr. Scabs" - this one is tricky for me. I agree that one has to heal for oneself, and with oneself. I try to do it *too* independently, however, and my H wishes that I would let him in to try to help, for he (as well as our therapist) believe that will also bring us closer. I was a bit like this pre-A and now even more so. So, yes, the "with or without" is most definitely true but it needs a tweak ... "with AND without"?

    Finally, just wanted to comment on the "undeniable and terrible abuse of women" ... I was going to write something about how it's all part of a larger system and that Mr Scabs didn't create that system blah, blah, blah, but then I realized I was just trying to 'correct' your feelings (something I do a lot when I'm uncomfortable with someone's feelings). I won't do that. I just want to say that it sounds hard. All our particular unresolved pains are hard. Sounds like Mr. Scabs felt prostitutes would be less painful (for him? for you? both?) than neighbors. My husband felt me pregnant was better than if our twins had been born but for me the pregnant state was deeply utterly tragic. May we all get through our unresolveds!

    1. Your tweak is perfectly true... with and without him.

      Cheers to the hope that we may all get through our unresolveds!
      Thanks Erica.

  13. My X too had sex with whoever was available.

    That included hookers whenever he travelled and when the "non Hooker" girl friends were not available.

    I have been thru hell and back imagining and visualising him with the hookers , more s than the others.

    Its been a while since i dumped him .

    I have known from his phone records that he called the pimp lady, she is listed on the internet as one,calls went to and fro , finally she gave him a number he called.

    That was the hooker.She made him wait for an hour before she turned up at his room.

    He was on travel , told me that his team of co workers is coming back to his hotel room for some further discussion which would take a couple of hours..I asked him,,at 9 in the night? He says yes.

    8.45 he called the hooker , she turned up at 10.

    I have visualised him waiting for this unknown girl, close in age to his daughter than him, opening the door , asking her in.

    I have even visualised them having sex , her giving him a blow job etc etc.

    What i cannot, yet cannot, after more than 2 years of finding out, visualise is how he must have given her the money.

    Weird, but that action to me is the most degrading and hom and to the hooker.

    The man, professed undying love for me, said he couldnt visualise one day of his life without me, told me i was his soulmate, the works.

    With a lot of work on myself, i have been able to process everything, every single betrayal and come to a place where thinking about all that doesnt hurt, mainly so because i have severed all contact with him and hence there are no triggers.

    The only thing that i am still unable to process is , how he actually stood there in front of this hooker and did a business deal, a commercial transaction and pulled out his wallet , counted the bills and handed them to her.

    How he must have talked with the pimp lady, asked for the rate , and discussed the transcation.

    This cold bloodedness , more than the sex, is something i yet cannot visualise him doing, yet cant think of him as depraved enough and ruthless enough to buy sex.

    My mind just shuts down when i see him holding those bills in his hand before handing them over.

    And that is the image, which has given me the strength to get away from him, and stay away.

    In my weakest moments , when i crave for one word from him , one text, one phone call , it is this image which makes me shudder and makes me strong enough to keep away.

    The cold bloodedness of the actual act of handing the bills to the hooker.

    1. that gets me too. Mr Scabs once paid 500 pecos to a woman in another country---the exchange rate brings that to $4.50 US. simply a business deal. sad for everyone involved. I thankful for your strength and the choices that have brought you to a place of peace.

  14. Oh so true!I think its a bit of both. My husband has asshole tendencies which gave way this becoming a full blown thing in our lives. He enjoyed so he pursued it :-)

  15. Maybe I'm cold blooded, but I can't even begin to feel any kind of pity for the prostitutes. I picture them gladly taking money and then later laughing about the gross old men they take care of. They probably get some perverse thrill out of helping them to cheat on their wives, also.

    1. Ahhh, it's ok. Some of them just might have that perverse thrill you're talking about and i'm sure it's normal to feel that bitter squeeze of anger.

  16. I love every single blog post of yours. I am so thankful for your story and how strong you are. My real dad cheated on my mom so many times before they got divorced. Sometimes when I read your story I feel like I am getting a peek into my dad's head. Thank you for being an inspiration of perseverance. You are wonderful.

  17. ^^^^ Along with what Sara said...

    -Seriously, you are amazing...especially for sharing your story with others.
    -I can't even imagine what you are going through.
    -I'm so glad that I can learn the signs and know to watch for them, so good to be informed.

    Thanks so much for sharing your story, love reading your blog.





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