Thursday, April 25, 2013

Of Addicts and Assholes


Disclosure is like the day I forgot to wear pants to work.

Sometimes I like to ride my bike to work and my very cool employer built a mini-locker room with a shower on the first floor.  I'd get up at the crack of dawn, pack my work clothes and don my hot pink spandex with the kind of confidence that comes with 5am darkness.  

One morning, with soggy hair, I frantically dug through my bag.  Tearing through everything, throwing my things in the air, spilling to contents on the floor.  That sick gut-dropping feeling took over and I'm sure the blood drained from my face as I walked the stairs dressed in a cardigan, leopard flats and hot pink biking pants.  It was an out of body experience.

This is the same way his full disclosure churned in my belly and the blood drained my face white as my heart beat deeper into my chest.

The biggest question disclosure created for me was, "Is he an addict or an asshole?  Is he ill with his very choice making ability stolen by an addiction that has taken over?  Or is he the scarier narcissistic sociopath?  Or is he some weird addict/asshole hybrid?"

Trying to quell my endless questions he said, "I thought prostitutes were better.  At least I didn't have an affair with the neighbor or something."

I whipped around, "Which neighbor?!!??"  (Oh yes, we had all these ugly conversations)

But really, he was trying to make a point.  Recognizing the significant difference of sex with a hooker and sex with a willing woman.  The point backfired on him.  In betrayal, neither is better or worse and both have their daggers.

I've been finding things out about myself and all this has led me to believe I am patient and forgiving and strong. Things I never knew I was.  Most days I feel like I'm healing.  Most days I am doing well.  And when I am sad or overwhelmed I can reach out get the help I need.  I can do all this with or without Mr. Scabs.  And honestly, mostly I am doing it without Mr Scabs.  I'm not sure we are both in a place to heal our marriage yet.  Working toward it, but not yet.  A mountain of individual healing and repair work must come first.

Even after all that healing, I have one major unresolved pain.  I can't find a place of peace when it comes to Mr. Scabs undeniable and terrible abuse of women, of prostitutes of human beings.  This injury seems inconsolable.

We talk about it but i still can't find peace.  I have a heart for these women.  The unbelievably painful and degrading series of events that leads a girl or woman into prostitution isn't pretty.  No matter what it looks like on the outside.

Just like every other injury and pain I have to pass through them and find the bridge that crosses over the white-capped sea to the other side finding peace with the addict and assholeness of Mr. Scabs.


Hope your weekend is full of self-care.  


p.s.  I sent an email about Camp Scabs.  
If you got it great, if you didn't and want to join us click here and contact me.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Calling all AZ Campers!


If you haven't already, please suggest your favorite sex/porn addiction books to our friend.  
Click here and make your suggestions in the comments.  
She has been so touch by those who have reached out to share.  
Thank you!

Are you ready to camp??!!

Who's Invited: Divorced or working it out, spouse with porn or sex addiction/problem, affair, betrayal, blogger or non-blogger all ladies are invited.  Nursing a baby...bring your baby.  Please join us.

When: May 31-June 2

Why: This camp is about self-care, reaching out, relaxing, healing and validating you and your story.  Leave your jewel butt jeans at home and opt for yoga pants and comfy t-shirts.  We want a laid-back, comfortable, no-pressure atmosphere.  Safety, respect and privacy are paramount.  Be prepared to respect each others decisions and anonymity.

What will we do: We will laugh and cry and make new BFF's.  Maybe we'll do some yoga or go for a hike or scare the newlyweds out of the hot-tub!!  The agenda is low-key.

Where:  Arizona of course, I will disclose the specifics via email but I have a gorgeous location planned.  We can car pool.  If you're flying in we can pick you up from the airport.

Cost: Keeping cost to an absolute minimum I think I can keep each campers cost between $50-75 for the weekend.  This will include room, food, gas.  If cost is an issue for anyone please email me, I want everyone to have a chance to join us.

We have been given a generous anonymous donation for a 
{Camp Scabs Scholarship} 
So kind, right?
If your pocketbook is thin, please don't let that keep you away.    

If you've contacted me already, you should have received an email about Camp Scabs AZ.  If your interested and want to know more, send me an email with Camp Scabs AZ in the subject-line.  I'd like to get a pretty accurate count so I can get us enough beds.  :)


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Taking care of business


Each week I hear from you guys.  You send emails spilling your guts and telling your stories.  Many of you are speaking out for the first time.  It takes an amazing sort of courage to reach out.  I'm always in awe of your bravery, strength, generosity and willingness to do the impossible.

I don't know how this happened and I'm incredibly humbled that you would reach out to me.  So often, I feel like I am just one woman with one experience and I'm really just fumbling through each day following my own heart.  I really love you all!

We have a friend in need.

She is engaged to a man she loves.  After Stumbling across 'Scabs' she shared my story with her finance and they wondered if he too is a sex addict.  They want to cross this bridge and learn more.  Talk about courage, right?

Let's help them out.  She is looking for resources on pornography and sexual addiction but has limited online access.  She purposely hasn't installed a computer in the home they share because of his porn viewing habits.  Like so many of us, she also has a daughter she wants to protect.  Please list your favs in the comments.  Which books and other resources have given you the clearest insight.

Thank you!

Read a funny story here!  and thanks for the shout out Buffalo Gal!  

Also, you may have already seen this but I've decided to sign up and wanted to invite you too.  Join me, I would love to meet you all online!  Addo Recovery is offering "Healing From Betrayal Trauma",  a free online workshop for the first 100 participants.  Check them out here and here.  

Here's an overview of what they are offering: 

Each week you will be given a daily lesson that will take about 30 minutes or less to complete online. Additionally each week, you will have the opportunity to attend a group session to review the previous week's online lessons, ask questions, receive answers, network with other women in your same situation, and learn additional content from a licensed clinician. We have tried to spread things out to not take too much of your time, as we know you have many other responsibilities. The program lasts for six weeks and covers everything from the science behind betrayal trauma through personal healing. The content stems from over a decades worth of research by best selling author and trauma recovery expert, Dr. Kevin Skinner.

What's even better is that the group sessions will be streamed online for live viewing and recorded for later viewing as well for those not in Utah. 

We will begin the online portion April 24th and will have the first group session May 1st at 7:00PM MST. 

I hope this information helps you understand what we are trying to do. If you have any more questions, let me know, I would be happy to answer them. Feel free to call me if you need to as well. 

It's free if you sign up before April 17th!  

To sign up:

Call: (801) 406-8994 

Eric Red
Managing Director, Addo Recovery 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Shania Twain & Camp Scabs AZ

Last week

There is nothing like your BFF driving by in her mom's black Chrysler 300 with all the windows down and Shania Twain on full blast.  The sassy, fashion risk-taking, Canadian country singer with a fab head of hair, ahhh Shania.

Take a listen:

Favorite line, "Even my skin is acting weird, wish that I could grow a beard."

The car slowed down and I jumped in the front seat.  As Shanias' voice hit the chorus, we were singing along and I wiped away my tears; I had been feeling so blue.  Her tween daughter ducked down in the back seat begging us to please stop...we're on the way to her junior high.  Squealing and giggling we sang louder! I even threatened to stand out the sun roof, rip my top off and shake my little b cups to Shanias'  Anthem!  Not really, but we had a big laugh imagining it!!

Thank you BFF and Shania Twain.  Thank you for chasing away my blues.
Plus, I finally got my period, ergg why do hormones always make things worse?!

Let's talk about Camp Scabs Arizona.  

Email me if you're interested and we'll start hammering out the details.  
We can car pool and airport pickup on Friday and then head out to a cabin in Northern AZ.
Let's talk about meal planning and how much we want to spend.

Also, which of these weekends work best for you?
May 17-19 or May 31-June 2.   

Can't wait!!

Monday, April 1, 2013

The Trust Unicorn


{In response to a friend asking about trust and rebuilding trust and love}

July 2012

The trust unicorn.  So, so elusive.  

I've been able to look back at my experience with Mr. Scabs and break it down into phases. First, there were the phases of shock, depression, confusion.  Then there was the hate-phase, then the phase of indifference and then the hate-phase again.  Then there was pity-party phase.  After that there was the phase of feeling sorry for him.  Then a phase of utter disrespect and apathy.  And, a million other phases that changed daily or didn't change for month after stagnant month.  

All this seemed to lead my path to the strangest outcome of all, compassion.  But just a bit of compassion because it seems so unnatural, as if compassion doesn't deserve a place in our life.  The compassion is fleeting, coming and going but finally it takes hold, bubbles over and reaches out to all the corners of my life.  Compassion, like all the phases before me, led me to chapter I'm currently in...a little bit of love.  

But, let me reiterate what I said to you the other night...i don't trust him.  He has broken every vow and does not deserve trust.  Trust is not my job to give.  He's working to earn it each day with his actions, and when his actions match his words...I might begin to trust him.  Trust is like a unicorn.  I never think about it.  I never look for it.  I don't have a rainbow poster hanging over my bed fostering the unicorn delusion.  No pushing, begging, screaming, crying or carefully contrived therapy sessions will make the trust unicorn appear.  And so, I let it go.  The unicorn is a myth.  

And when trust comes to me, iI don't believe it will be mythical.  

For now, I'm tentatively feeling out the phase of falling back in love.  Maybe it's just a crush.  Just a month ago I was telling another friend that I had no feelings of love for him at all and couldn't imagine it.  Each phase bridges me to the next, navigating the impossible.

So yes, if you are both in a place to heal your marriage I believe all isn't lost.  You can fall in love again!  All things can heal.  But if he chooses his addiction and our marriage dissolves I know that I'm still capable of falling in love.  Although, I tell myself I would never get married again.  I'd invoke plan B where I wander the world with my kids, midwifing for chickens or a bucket of rice and living a gypsy life.  

But who knows, maybe I'll run into a unicorn.

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