Thursday, March 28, 2013

the gory truth

November 2010-May 2011

Mr. Scabs betrayal is a bottomless pit that's sucking my beating heart right out of my chest, leaving me stammering and vapid.  I am unrecognizable.  Almost instantly the dark, numb fog rolls in from the harbor.  Nothing can be believed in.  Not even the fog can be trusted.  All at once the Fog is my guardian and my hearts deepest traitor.  The Fog looks a bit like Christopher Walken, who is simultaneously my favorite and least favorite actor.  With his pale skin, muddy eyes, cold fingers and nervous habits the Fog teeters between protecting me from pain and knocking me into dull denial.    

The Fog teaches me that pain is pain no matter how it comes to you.

And after some time, the Fog nervously floats off in his tiny boat with a small ash-colored sail.  He is always skirting near the shore, his muddy eyes watching for that paralyzing moment he can both protect and destroy me.  The Fog will always be a blessing and a curse.

May 2011 began the uncovering of all the gory details.  And I suppose every betrayed spouse must decide...

"Do I want the gory truth or not?  If I pursue the gory truth and come up empty, how will I move on?  If get the the gory truth, how will I move on?  If I don't want anything to do with the gory truth, how will I move on?"

The gory details can cause violent dry heaves and nightmares.  They can inspire hatred and revenge.  The gory details can sink you into the deepest depression of wondering, "why wasn't I good enough?".  Or, they can put and stop to your endless imagining.  

I needed a "stop" and so I choose to hear every gory detail.  My imagination unfolded an underworld of perversion and weirdness I never knew before.    My mind had predetermined Mr. Scabs guiltiness of every possible and impossible crime, despite reality.  And so, we began an uncovering process.  

I imagine there is a rotting fear that paralyzes a man in Mr. Scabs position.  Looking back I see the incredible amounts of humility and trust it took for him to uncover that hidden man.   To tell the unblinding truth.  To speak his fearless moral inventory.  

With the most livid lips I use to scream, "You risked everything by screwing around and lying!!!  It was all for WHAT??!!"  I'd throw my hands in the air and string along a few other slurs of insults and swear words (that was Insanity).

Now, I see something I could never have seen amidst the Fog, Insanity or any other characters I've met along this journey.  Along side the Big Thaw there is an undercurrent and I am just beginning to feel it.  It is revealing itself and this is it: 

It wasn't the mistakes and choices Mr. Scabs made that risked it all.  Of course, he never should have done what he had done.  Anyone can lie and cover and delete internet histories and text messages and pretend, and cycle and repeat and lie some more and build a happy exterior persona for the world to see but it is with fear in your bones and faith in your heart that you speak real words.  That is the true moment you risk it all.  The moment you share the knowledge of what you are, the vulnerability, the open heart surgery.  

Everything is at risk then.  That is the moment you either live or die.  

And just an observation to all those who are trapped.  I have an infinite amount hope for your own change and I have noticed that those who risk it all, live.  That is the truth.

So, today, it is with the deepest compassion, respect and love that I look back at the Mr. Scabs of 2011.  Among the cycling mistakes and mis-steps, he found enough bravery, courage and love for himself and I to risk it all--really risk it all-- and tell the gory truth.  

20 comments:

  1. Your writing is beautiful. You write in a wonderful way that seems to organize the swirling thoughts in my head as I detach from a husband who is a sex addict. He too, is having a "pink room" experience, sleeping on the floor at a studio apartment across town as I can no longer live with the addiction. I am happier, working on my own issues, and am more available for my precious son. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Eleanor

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    1. Hello Eleanor,

      Thank you for your kind compliments. He is having a "pink room" experience...i love it!! And Im so happy to hear that you are happier and focused on your own life. I remember being terrified that i had actually kicked mr scabs out of the house...i mean, who knows what will happen? As scary as it was I also remember it being one of the best things I have done. It is a pivotal moment, isn't it?

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  2. What a beautiful truth you've shown me. The topic of disclosure has been on my mind for the past few weeks, so this post speaks to some thoughts I've had lately. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Ahhh Victory, this is such a personal individual journey and i admire that you are listening to your heart and your mind, discovering and studying out which path you should take. You will get the inspiration you are looking for.

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  3. I am "stop" girl, too! Knowing the whole truth helped me let go of imagining and begin my own process of recovery. Transparency is a major part of our relationship now. Honesty is thd only step you have to get right.
    Thanks for your amazing stories and insights.

    Love you!

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    1. transparency has been a huge struggle for mr scabs. I used to wonder why why why can't he just tell the truth. Bad habits, self-hatred and shame seemed to fuel his lies--always hiding from himself.

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  4. Wow. There was something really profound in that. I'm still digesting it...

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  5. VERY well written...full disclosure has to be one of the scariest steps...for both parties. My husband is still working on the courage to talk about it and I am still working on the courage to hear it...Sparrow has it right...honesty is the only step we HAVE to get right...thanks so much for sharing Scabs!!!

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    1. i hope that you get there because it will open the doors you need to make the right choices and to give you the strength to follow your path. there is nothing like the truth

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  6. A month after his last D-day, I had a stop moment too. I had heard of enough trickle disclosures and I wanted it all. I wanted to know where I was so I could figure out how to get away from it.

    It was agonizing and vulnerable and trust building all at the same time, to finally know the truth. To be invited in to the deepest parts of his soul and meet the real man. A man he didn't want to be, but regardless it was the man he was. I don't think even he had truly met that man. And until he did, he didn't quite know what to change.

    Great post!

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    1. i don't think they truly have met themselves either. So many times in therapy Mr Scabs will start sharing and I will just sit there in awe! who is this man? Our therapist always asks me what I think and I always say I'm intrigued by this man i don't know.

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  7. There really is something about humble truth and the vulnerability it brings that allows me to stop the anger and resentment. To stop associating my husband with only the things he's done that have hurt me. It's almost instantaneous that I feel able to have compassion, forgiveness and even empathy. A glimpse of how Christ must feel toward the repentant.

    The trick for me, since who knows if I'll ever get a full disclosure, is to figure out how to forgive and move on anyway.

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    1. it's the truth. Raw honesty and vulnerability can open the doors to forgiveness. It can soften us. But when we don't get it, how do we move on? That is a hard phase to be in.

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story. As I am preparing for his disclosure, I've felt terrified of knowing the truth and at the same time impatient to hear it. It's a homestyle concoction for craziness. But it was comforting to settle down and reflect on what you've written here. Thank you, again, for being so willing to share your experience.

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    1. wishing you strength Faith. Let me know how things go.

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  9. Hi Scabs
    I am in a nightmare proportion of a washing machine, with hot water one minute and cold water the next. I'm up then down, left then right, sad then angry. I know this is 'normal' for the place I'm in but jeeze man, I'm loosing it.

    I'd love to ask you and anyone else who reads this some questions...

    -What was your marriage relationship like before your whole world blew apart?
    -Do you believe you are/have been codependent?
    -Why, exactly, did you choose to stay in the marriage and to forgive/
    -How did you manage to forgive?
    -How did you overcome the repulsion you felt for your husband?
    -How do you live with the problem of lost trust?
    -How do you cope with the risk of not knowing if and when he will relapse?

    Thanks.

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  10. This post really hit me today. I'm not sure how I missed it before.

    It's ironic how risking it all, believe it is certain death, is the only chance at life. I've been thinking a lot about this concept. It's the big piece that is missing for me right now. I can't see this separation ending without my husband taking that risk. Because it is indeed missing. I can feel it. It's what I keep coming back to and can't seem to let go of. You worded this so beautifully.

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    1. That was the key for us, the moment he began to have enough courage to be courageous and vulnerable. I pray you get what you need. Love u mm

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hi

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