Monday, March 18, 2013

Dusting off the Laptop...

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You're notes checking up on me have been so sweet.  Thanks for being here.  I feel so lucky to have connections with so many of you.  To answer many of your questions, I am doing well.  Thank you for asking and please forgive the slowness with which I answer emails.

For my first post back, I thought I'd write something fuzzy and nice.  But this isn't always that kind of blog, is it?  A few ideas and experiences have been itching in the back of my mind the last few weeks which I can't seem to spit out on paper.  So, here it goes...

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Years ago I decided we needed a cat.  Mr. Scabs said "no". 

"No" was one of his favorite words.  And in our marriage, I hadn't once done something Mr. Scabs didn't agree to, until I decided to get a cat.  

Eddie-Jumper-Cat meowed from the little cardboard box which sat next to my daughter in the back seat of our car.  I handed over some green bills for the animal shelter adoption fee, bought some cat nip and we fell in love!  A week later, Verna, a crazy, feline-smelling, white-haired, cat-lady told me the desperate tale of another abandoned pregnant cat.  Her husband had said,"no" and so did Mr. Scabs, but with defiance in my heart I took the cat to the vet, got her shots, had her spayed and bought her a pink collar with the tag: Twyla-Girl-Cat.  This is how we became a 2-cat family.

Mr. Scabs, the addict, is stingy.  Scroogy and miserly.  He always bought the cheapest crap cat food.  The rock-hard, dry, sandy, tasteless kind.  The kind your cat sniffs wondering why crusty tree bark is in her dish.   

Change at our house has been slow but sweet.  Over the last year, as he has changed and as we have been experiencing the Big Thaw, I've noticed a sweetness and compassion that didn't exist before.  Mr. Scabs has begun to care for things outside himself.  Empathy.  He buys the premium cat food.

There's a rotten reality underlying all this and I want to acknowledge it; many addicts don't change.  Many of our marriages will end in divorce.  Many of our children will feel the pain of the world far to early. Terrible things can happen.  Things that have no explanation.  Things that make no sense.  Sadly, there are no guarantees in life, even if you do everything "right".  

Lots of cats don't get the premium cat food.

My BFF was recently pregnant, then suddenly miscarried.  That is a loss all it's own.  I've already told you of my friend James who felt so hopeless that he took his own life.  Today, I looked into the puffy eyes of another friend who is grappling with the fuzzy unknown of her husbands infidelity.  I ache for another friend dissolusioned by her husbands endless cycle of addiction.  I watch another friend hardening with denial, whispering to herself. "everything's fine.  everything's fine."  I stand by the side of another friend deeply damaged by sexual abuse as a child, the abandonment of her first husband, the terrible death of her twins and the rape and domestic violence of her second husband.  She is navigating life again as a single mother.  And on the darker side, just the other day an old man, a grandfather,  a retired police sargent a community leader was arrested as part of a Federal investigation into a child pornography ring. Our community is reeling.  

I guess what I am trying to say here is that life can be so hard.  A lot of times it's hard because of the choices of others, the repercussions of another's actions.  Abuses of sexuality in our lives is terribly difficult for me to tolerate.  What we accept now with grimaced faces is what our daughters and our sons will come to know as normal.  Boundaries are paramount.

In my circle of BFF's we have been asking ourselves, "How do we protect our children from all this?"  And, this is when I think, from no fault of our own, sometimes we don't get the premium cat food.





Is this incredibly depressing?  Sorry :)





28 comments:

  1. It is depressing when you look at it this way... But think about how many grandfathers aren't involved in something as terrible as child pornography...instead they are sweet and gentle and caring. In todays world the media often portray only the negative so we get the impression it is on the incline, but the pervy grandfathers are still an exception and not the rule, so I dont think they can change the boundaries of the society as whole. The media can make it look more common and thus more acceptable, so I think the way to protect the children is by taking the upbringing in our own hands and not let the kids figure things out by themselves with help from television. WE HAVE SO MUCH, we can go to school, we have food and warm homes and nice people around mostly...we do have premium food, it's just not so strictly inspected so you can find a hair or a fly in every other bag....but it's still a lot better than eating from the dumpsters and sleeping on the streets. Just stay positive, the children will follow;)

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    1. there are so many good people and good things in life. We do have so much and I am so thankful.

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  2. Scabs I'm glad you are back. I missed you so much. Your words are honest and I appreciate that. You are definitely not in denial. Some times things are bad and we don't acknowledge it and deny it instead. I think I did that for a long time. Speaking of it I have another question for you. Im going to try to email you later today if that's alright.

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    1. Thanks Faith! Sometimes I take a break for no reason but I'm glad to b back. and even though some things are hard to face I'm glad to be aware. I got your email and I've been thinking alot about it. Ill write you soon.

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  3. I'm glad your back too!! I was worried about you.

    I was so naive before this addiction came and bit me from behind. I honestly thought my husband was so in love with me that he only saw me. I never saw a single flick of evidence otherwise. But, now that I know different, I see different all around me. I see what the world is really like and not the rose colored world I used to see. It's dark and ugly and I hate it, but knowing that it is there, will help me teach my children. Knowing what the world is really like, will allow me to prepare them to live in the world but not be persuaded by it. I can teach them to love, not lust. I can teach them to label and experience in a healthy way their deep negative and positive emotions. I can teach them the skills they need to change the next generation. And the next. And the next...

    If I still had my rose colored glasses on, I would have so many less tools to use in teaching my children.

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    1. I love you've said about tools. You're right, I would have so many less tools. and I have come to use these tools almost every day.

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  4. I'm really glad you're back, too! Your posts are always insightful and fun to read, and they help keep me motivated!

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  5. I'm kind of in the mood for depressing, so I enjoyed it. :)

    But Mr. Scabs buying quality catfood is an undeniable beacon of hope.

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    1. There's value in a little bit of wallow...lol!
      The cat food is a sure sign of change. :)

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  6. Hey, Scabs! Missed you!
    I am all about remembering there are no guarantees in life! Life is not Fair...a Fair is where they auction sheep.
    I can set up all the boundaries I want, but it doesn't protect me or my kids from everything. Nothing does.
    So, with that in mind, I allow myself (force myself!) to have faith, not blind faith...but faith. As uneventful days pass, the faith becomes stronger, more ingrained.
    When I hear of horrible things that happen to others, I grieve for them, with them. Then, I focus on all that is good in my life, the lives of my family and friends. I try to be grateful for all the good, and not dwell on all the bad.
    The bad will always be somewhere because life is not fair, but we are also surrounded by so much goodness. It keeps me sane to remember that.
    And....I have been buying the cheap-ass cat food, not because I'm cheap or not fond of the kitties, but because I figured it's probably just fine. I am inspired by Mr. Scabs. I'm gonna go get some flakey, gravy ladened can food to mix with the cheap stuff.
    Balance...Gotta have balance.

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    1. That's exactly how I feel, I feel an incredible about of grief for people, women, men, children in these terrible situations. It's grief that i feel.

      and yes to the cat food balance!

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  7. I'm so glad to hear you are OK!! I was worried a little about you. This is a great post. We don't have control over so many things. All we can do is do our best and have hope (that thing that we wish would all make it go away, but it doesn't) and try and move forward. Sometimes hope seems so elusive, don't you think?

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    1. I am ok! Thanks for thinking of me. I find myself feeling so sensitive to others pain. Like today I was driving home and heard a blip of news about a 2 year old boy how had been terribly abused by his mother and I just start tearing up. i feel so sensitive these days.

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  8. Good to here from you:)

    I can relate to the whole cat experience and the cheapo cat food. In fact our cat eats dog food and doesn't seem to care. Secretly I give her tuna water as an extra treat.

    And secretly, my husband changes her cat sand and pets her.

    As far as children go, I am teaching them all I can and then praying.

    Much love:)

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    1. haha! i do the tuna water thing too! Talking, sharing, reaching out, praying...you're right.

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  9. I just recently had a conversation wiht my BFF about this same thing. PROBLEMS ARE EVERYWHERE! We can nor escape them. We must do everything we can to teach, love, and protect our children and then... PRAY! I also think we have a duty as mothers and women who KNOW about the realities of these addictions to teach, speak, and work to bring positive change! Thank you keeping it real!

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    1. I believe that too, speaking has so much power. Thank you.

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  10. I was worried about you!! So happy to see a post from you. I totally have been feeling overwhelmed by the doom and gloom of what's happening today in the world. It's a scary thought of what is going to happen in the next few years. I just cling onto my faith, my hope and my soul. I want to try and live in the world but not be of the world. Love you!

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    1. Thanks Ang! And I did get your email...I will get to it soon, promise. I'm in the weeds with emails!!

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  11. Glad to see you back, Scabs. My heart goes out to you and your community. Sometimes it's hard to hang onto our peace and serenity when all around us there is such hurt. It's at those times we reach out to one another, just like you're doing, we gather peace and serenity and much needed strength from each other. Hold each other tight, hold your children tight. Much love and hugs.

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    1. it is hard. Thanks for reaching out and sharing this with me.

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  12. What we accept now with grimaced faces is what our daughters and our sons will come to know as normal

    Is there an award for the best sentence ever?

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    1. i love you! that made me feel like a million bucks!

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  13. Glad to see a new post from you, and that everything is going well! I agree with others who said that finding out about their own spouses addictions opened their eyes to the reality. For me, I think I probably view things worse than they are. I'm trying to work on that. True faith, hope and love. That's really all we can do. Be educated, be smart, and have faith, hope and love.

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    1. Everyone has had such great comments! and it seems like it's a balance between knowing what the world is capable of and the hope and love we feel. thanks!

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  14. Scabs,

    I'm grateful for your compassion. Your family is experiencing true recovery and I imagine it would be tempting to sail off into the sunset and never look back. But you are here in the trenches with so many of us who still cry for help and so desperately need hope. Yes the post ended on a sad note, but to me it is a token of your love and commitment to be there for someone, anyone who is hurting. Love you!

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    1. this means so much to me Marlee. Your words are so kind and so encouraging.

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