Friday, January 18, 2013

Dear Mrs. Anonymous,

{Read Mrs. Anonymous's original question here.}

Dear Mrs Anonymous,

Last Sunday I made potato soup and Mr. Scabs made bread.  It was one of those freezing days where we were craving some comfort food.

For Christmas I got a new set of knives.  Sharp ones.  Really sharp ones.  I've never owned a good set of knives.  But, I am a Cub Scout Den Mother.  I teach knife safety and know how to whittle.

Despite these credentials, I sliced my hand like it was a russet potato.  I took my eyes off the knife for literally half a second.  I cried and yelped and jumped up and down!  Pressing deeply, I held my filleted flesh to my palm wishing against all wishes that it would just instantly glue back in place.  PLEASE!  I have no greater phobia than sharply sliced body tissue.

I tell this story because I think it relates to where you are.  Every week I hear from women who have the same questions as you.  And every week I hear from women who's story began just as you described.  In fact, that is also how my story began.  It just may be the beginning of every story.

But, it doesn't have to be the beginning of your story.  It can also be the end.

Because you are at the beginning, you and your husband are at the greatest advantage.  You are right, now is not the time to lose you shit.  Or become obsessed with the what if's, maybe's and other stories out there (including mine).  Our story is extreme and it's an intriguing story to tell.  Which may be why you read it for 2 days straight.

I believe you did everything right.  Beautifully, in fact.

And now, you have a gigantic pile of advice to sift through.

I'd like to thank the women and men who reached out in their vulnerability and shared their thoughts.  I will always back you up and respect you because your experiences, feelings and thoughts are real.  Across the screen and into your living rooms and houses you are real people, with real lives and so am I.  You can be safely vulnerable and real here.  Thank you.

After a few silent moments of teeth clenching and deep breathing, I gently released the iron grip on my palm to reveal the fresh wound.  The sharply sliced skin was pressed white.  Then the blood came.  I've seen what happens when a wound goes unchecked.  It's inevitably eaten by bacteria and turns a horrific rainbow of colors. You may need to amputate to survive.

Such a small thing can literally poison you into an incredibly slow and painful death.  

A dab of Neosporin would save your life.

Now is the time for Neosporin, my dear Mrs. Anonymous.  Communicate with your loving husband.  Attend 12-step.  Tell someone you both trust.  Don't be naive.  Trust your gut.  You aren't overreacting.   Reach out to those who understand.  Set up boundaries and changes to your life style that make sense.  Work together.  Love him.  Love yourself. Believe.  Don't be afraid.  Heal your wounds of trust together.  Life is for making mistakes and making up for those mistakes.

Believe me, I've learned my lesson about really sharp knives.

                               Mr. & Mrs. Scabs


  1. Beautiful. This is absolutely phenomenal. As I was reading this, I was thinking about how much I appreciate this group of women (and men). Because there is a realness to us. There is such an acknowledgement to the hard and painful times of life. And I feel like that is so necessary, especially now. And it's so nice to have such a genuine place to come and just be REAL! I love it. So thank you.

  2. No one could say that like you can. That's why the world has Scabs.

  3. Awesome advice! Hopefully Anonymous and hubby will come join us!

  4. Replies
    1. you are all really kind. I'm glad to hear this resonated.

  5. This post is a wonderful response to the previous posting. I wish you the best Anon.

    I did have a question of my own- my husband recently admitted to me and his parents that he has a porn addiction- although it has come and gone it has been in his life for 15 years. We have been married for 12 years and this has been "disrupting" our marriage for 9. When he finally told me everything, he admitted that it had been a part of his life prior to meeting me and had lied to me about it. My question- as I mentioned he talked to his parents about his issue bc they could sense we were having problems. Days after his disclosure talk with them, they both emailed him separately to tell him how much they love him, support him and are there for him during this hard time. Neither has yet to reach out to me, even though my husband says he fully described the depth of his problem and the damage it has caused in me as well as our marriage- I was not present during his talk with them bc he wanted to speak with them alone. I am hurt and upset that his parents know and have yet to reach out to me with concern. My family does not know, nor do any of my friends- I have been too ashamed to tell anyone. I fear if I tell anyone close to me and we do stay married, that my friends and family will never be able to see him the same again- I fear that my telling others would damage their perspective of him and our marriage forever and I don't want that for either of us or our kids. Do I have a right to be upset that his parents are being so supportive of him and have said nothing to me? My husband says I am overreacting- but as you can image- he has said that a lot about this topic. Words of wisdom are appreciated- I would love to hear from those of you who have been here and what you think a fair expectation of extended family support is.

    1. Anonymous-
      I and many others feel all your same feelings that is why it is so important for you to find other wives/partners. You have a right to all of your feelings they are all valid and real. His parents most likely see this as a pornography problem and once the problem is "fixed" everything will be fine. They may not understand what this has done to you but I do and there are many many others who do as well. Have you reached out for support - counseling, 12-step etc...? There are programs that help the spouse as well as the addict. It is so important for you to have your own support too.

    2. For five and a half years, the only people who knew about my husband's addiction was his parents. They were not supportive of me. Instead they told me things like, "He isn't in it too badly" and "He needs your love and support."

      My husband still hasn't fully disclosed the extent of his addiction to them and so I often hear my mother-in-law ooze about what an amazing husband my husband is and also that he can fight this addiction - she is confident he will make it because he is strong. When I tried to reach out for support from them this last time, I was only censured for not trusting him and blamed for his dishonesty (because he was always an honest child).

      And so I finally reached out to my own healing network and I haven't regretted it. Yes, it's somewhat changed the way they view my husband, but the few people I have told still love him. And, they are so supportive of me and what I am going through. I am so grateful for that.

      I agree with Snowy - other wives understand. Reach out for help. It's made a world of difference in my life.

      Much love, MM

    3. Thanks for bringing this up anon. this is also a hot!!! I've been thinking of how to answer this question, and thinking of what has worked for me...I will share with you soon. look for a post next week.

  6. Beautifully said!

  7. I hate what you have gone through and are going through Scabs. It's awful and horrible and unfair, but it's refined you and made you a wonderful resource to so many women. Thank you.

    1. thank you for your compassion,MM. it means a lot.
      love, scabs

  8. I received comments from my Inlaws that if I hadn't had so many issues he wouldn't have gone back to the pornography. One of the big signs of addiction is the secrets. The 12 step groups are a great way to find friends, and support, and on here also. Also I want to be very clear - you are not overreacting. I'm not sure it is even possible to overreact. My heart goes out to you. Follow the spirit. If when talking to someone you feel impressed to share your story do it. I had a friend who very abruptly shared that her husband had struggled with

  9. Pornography for years. She listened to the impression, and she had no idea that our marraige had the Same problems, she followed the spirit and because of that we can support each other.

  10. perfect answer. perfect advice. now lets make this get together happen with all us scab readers

    1. i've been thinking and planning this scabs! are you ready?

  11. Big difference, a knife is an inert object ,will hurt you only if you mishandle it.Did we "mishanlde" our husbands for them to have hooker sex?Does the knife jump up and slice you even when you trust it and love it?

    1. i would never imply our husbands choices are our fault. never. not one bit. no matter what. that is a lie the world tells us and we can't let it seep into our hearts and minds.



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