Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Case of the missing lotion


For the past two mornings I haven't been able to find my lotion.  When I get out of a shower I like to slather my body with lotion. I ran around the house in my towel frantic! Searching through piles of clothes, under the sofa and even in the toybox. I couldn't find it and I was sure my husband had used it to wack-off.  I was getting ticked!

"I'm so over this," I muttered

When he said he didn't know where my precious bottle of lotion was, I snarkilly remarked, "Where is it?  Oh, I know, you used it to DO your thing!"

After huffing around the house mumbling about my missing lotion, my sweet daughter says, " Mom, you owe Dad an apology.  I put the lotion in the cupboard when I cleaned the bathroom."

Sigh.  I hang my head, it's so hard to believe anything he says.  Even if it's about lotion.

And, yes, I did apologize.

In the beginning...part 3

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Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.

November 2010

I can't imagine the alter-universe where my husband cheats on me.  It couldn't be real.  We love each other, we have two children and a life together.  We're happy.  Working through our problems but we're carving out a life that is full-bodied and real...it's our life, together.

Still, my dreams leave me teetering, barely seeing something dark and horrifying heading my way.  Doubting the trust in my man.

A few days later our little family reunites in the airport. His eyes are distant, almost dead.  His smile feels fake.  His hug feels weak.  He leans in for the obligatory kiss, I turned my lips and let him peck my cheek.  I began to believe my gut.  My gut knew what my mind and heart couldn't conceive.

It's an unreal experience to watch all you know crumble to your feet in a matter of minutes. I was terrified to ask even more terrified of not asking.  Of being bamboozled.  That night began a 6 month long excavation, unearthing the existence of the hidden life of a sex addict.

I asked, "How was the trip?  What did you do?  Who did you visit?  Did you climb any mountains?  Did you have fun?"

He barked, "I don't want to talk about it."

His anger confused me and nagged at the truth settling in my gut.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

In the beginning...part 2

Nightmares revealing my husbands infidelity

Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.

November 2010

He packed his bags, gave me a token peck on the cheek and I dropped him off at the airport.

The sick feeling in my gut was still there.  I couldn't help but feel something was going to go horribly wrong.

The next day, with my children in tow, I boarded a different plane.  I had planned to spend the week at my in-laws for Thanksgiving and snow.  It was perfect.  Family, mounds of mashed potatoes, secret laughter about the obnoxious aunts missing blouse button and the ultimate snow dinosaur, a stegosaurus.

As perfect as it was, I felt an undertone.  Like a gentle riptide swirling around my feet.  It felt dangerous.

Shaking and sweaty, I belted obscenities to the inky cold air...F-bomb obscenities, the kind I don't say in real life.  Screaming!!  Howling!!  I had just caught my husband sleeping with a woman who wasn't me!  I blinked and realized it was just a dream.  Thank God!  My kids still snuggled next to me fast asleep, I sigh, laying my head back on the pillow.

It was just a nightmare.

'The likelihood of my husband cheating on me is the same likelihood of him murdering me. Impossible, he would never do it.  I couldn't fathom it's possibility.'  

I read this somewhere.  A woman explained the absolute impossibility of her husbands infidelity. He would never kill me...he would never cheat on me.  It was absurd.

Then next day I was shaken and bothered.  I told myself, "There's no way.  I trust his fidelity.  He loves us.  He loves me."

Sweaty and thrashing I scream out again. The nightmare repeats itself!  Breathing, doubting my sanity, pulling out my hair, I hear a voice outside my head.  Insanity?

"You won't divorce him."

I whispered back, "hell ya, I will."


Saturday, February 18, 2012

In the beginning...


I was blissfully naive.  I didn't know what would happen when Mr. Scabs left the country on a trip.
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November 2010

I was clueless.

I was blissfully naive?

We celebrated our 10 year anniversary November 18th, just days before my head filled with nightmares.

Did the chatter of the restaurant drown out my senses?  Maybe I should have seen the emptiness in his eyes and heard the emptiness in his voice as we talked about our life and remembering the funny way met more than a decade ago.   Was I the only one laughing?  And that night, when he wasn't interested in making love...I should have seen.  Retrospect can be so cruel.

A few years before my husband and I were married he spent some time overseas in a small country (which will not be named for anonymity's sake).  In the last few months of his time overseas he got very sick.  His body went into shock and fell into a coma.

He wasn't expected to live.  His family was told to prepare for a funeral.

In a way that is both miraculous and movie-like Mr. Scabs began to wake from the coma. He was previously a young, healthy, athletic man.  But when he gained consciousnesses it became evident  he couldn't walk, talk or breathe on his own.

He could hear and understand all that was going on around him but could barely communicate with the outside world.  This soccer-playing, mountain-biking, palm tree-climbing man had been reduced to blinking his eyes and a small thumbs-up gesture.

In a way that continues to be miraculous and movie-like Mr. Scabs made a full recovery.  The illness is still the greatest mystery of his life.

Some day, I'll tell this story in more detail.  For now, the only reason I give this background is to explain why I wasn't concerned when Mr. Scabs and his friend planned a trip to the country-that-must-not-be-named over our 10 year anniversary and Thanksgiving break.  I thought he was seeking closure.   

I was never a jealous wife.  I trusted his loyalty.  I always had.  My only concern was for his safety.

 I said, "I wish you wouldn't go, I have a feeling something bad will happen."

 I thought he might get hurt.  My heart was heavy and sick when he packed his bags the next morning.

Something bad did happen.


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