Saturday, November 3, 2012

"Anonymous Mr."

nice
credit

I am a "Mr." as well. I have thought a lot about this post (my wife shared it with me). I shared the "allegory" in a meeting, and when I was done sharing, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something missing. Then it dawned on me, "I destroyed the wall, and that is why the wall needed to be rebuilt." All I have done, in the eyes of others, is put things back to how they were supposed to be in the first place (kind of). It is not like I made some grand improvement. There was supposed to be a wall there. A wall with no holes, with the right texture, with wall sockets that work, and with a beautiful coat of paint.

So, yes, I have put a lot of hard work into my building of the wall, and it is so difficult when others, specifically my wife, don't praise me for the work I have put in... but I am just making things the they way they always should have looked.

Wives, please don't use this to judge your husbands.

I had to share this comment because as I read it I wept.  I truly sat down and buried my face in my hands.  I wept for the terrible bitter pain of this one Anonymous "Mr." as he shared his clear  heart-felt vision.  I wept for happiness and hope and peace.    I wept because this Anonymous "Mr." is very literally building a bridge, a boat, a portal,  a way for his beloved wife to move from grief and pain to love and understanding.  This is recovery.  I am proud of him.

10 comments:

  1. This is beautiful:) Thank you for sharing!

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    1. So I have a husband who has these moments of clarity and kindness as well and this Mr. is exactly right-most of the time he probably IS a douchebag. Thank goodness for moments of clarity. Today was a morning of full of douchebaggery and I feel like breaking things. This battle to get the wall just as it should have been has been fought so fiercely and I am so tired. I am currently beyond upset, so much so that it is hard to even reflect on the good moments.

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    2. It's ok to feel the way you feel. We have to remember that there are 2 sides to this story. two paths. two people that need healing. two people who need clarity. two people who need love.

      i'm sorry anon, so so sorry that this unfair pile of douchebaggy garbage has fallen to you. And, believe me, all of us can relate to feeling less than appreciative when our spouses offer their watered down version of honesty, fidelity, kindness or whatever it was that should have never been missing in the first place.

      And with that thought, maybe now is not the time for you to reflect on the good moments. Save that time of reflection for when his genuine good moments do shine. Because like "Anonymous Mr." and Mr. Scabs they will have their moments of clarity.

      And so will we.

      But for the time being, take a box of kleenex and a few old dishes from the cupboard, walk them out to the garage and smash them against the hard cold cement. Watch them shatter and then do it again and again until the rage is left and gone. I've done this before. the rage has then turned to sobbing. Somehow the wild release of all these overwhelming emotions has left me clearer, more acutely aware of what i need to do and how i need to do it.

      So, go ahead, break some things!

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  2. It's these insights that bring hope when things seem hopeless to others and to ourselves. I'm so glad your hubby was able to help him see himself.

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  3. I think my husband would completely understand this - he gets so annoyed at times, that I just don't "see" all the work he has been doing...maybe I should hug him today!

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    1. how'd it go? when you said this, i thought, a hug is so simple and loving. I hope that I'd never regret showing love to those i care about.

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  4. The very fact that the men expect accolades for doing something which they should be doing normally shows they are nowhere near recovery.I do understand where they are coming from but what a state of affairs where we are grateful that they no longer lie to us.

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    1. That's just it. I don't think "Anonymous Mr." is expecting anything. Nor does Mr. Scabs (well, maybe he does but at least not today haha) He's put himself out there. He's vulnerable. He's had a fantastic eye-opening moment and he shared that with us. This moment is key. And I will back him up because no doubt it takes a lot of courage to be the "mr." and post on this blog.

      as for his beautiful, enduring wife, she doesn't have to back him up or pat him on the back for doing what should have been done. That is not her job. That is the job of his sponsor, his friends, his 12-step group, his support. Just like that's not my job with Mr scabs.

      But me, an acquaintance, a bloggy friend, I can give "Anonymous Mr." a big-o high five! because we all need hope.

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  5. "beautiful enduring wife" till we women do not learn to separate the word enduring from the word wife we will always be enduring wife.

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  6. Words cant express what reading this meant. I'm having a very pain filled day. He is staying with his parents. Our babies are only 3 months and 2. I just hate him right now. Both he and his family say I'm too angry, that if I showed more sweetness and kindness, he'd be able to help us heal so much better. He called me a cu**, a bit**, and a witch this weekend when I said I just couldn't live with him without him being enthusiastic aboout recovery. I expect a lot. He gives little. I feel broken, and so lonely for the man I wish he was. Talk about a douch!I started bawling when I read to break dishes. That's what I need to hear and do. It's ok now. This is the worst pain ever. He completely wants a big thumbs up, ego stroking with every little thing he does. Really? 1 counseling session and 2 SA meetings in 3 months. Hardly enthusiastic recovery. The inlaws think it's just me being unforgiving and "post partum depression" I really want to break things.

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hi

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