Wednesday, November 14, 2012

More Insanity Challenge

Rope Acrobatics, 1956 [ Claire Levine ]   from Shorpy
Acrobat

There's been the most unexpected result from this Insanity Challenge.  


And, since most of you email instead of sharing via comments, I want to repeat what many of you have figured out.  This might be an Important Discovery, along side boundaries, detaching and limbo.

Giving a face to our Insanity has taken away her mystery, her power and control over you.  It's easier to recognize her grip and stop her before she gets started.  It's easier to derail Insanity and become better friends with Sanity.  We are more available to become our genuine, real selves.

This is what I love best about MM's Insanity.    
What has realizing your Insanity done for you?

She writes from His Problem Is Not The Same As My Problem = HPINTSAMP!!!  That acronym itself is insane but, I had to do it!  Her Insanity seems distinctly like a flipped out, freaked out, larger than life acrobat.  


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My insanity strikes anywhere and always out of nowhere. All I have to do is turn my head and “bam!” there she is, with her body so close I can feel her breath send a shiver down my spine. Before I know it I find her fingers clutched tightly around my arm, pulling me along as she speeds this way and that. She is constantly on the go. Nonstop moving. Nonstop talking. Nonstop darting. Her arms flail about her as she talks and as I try to follow her movements, my head jerks this way and that way and up and down until I don’t know which way is which anymore. She wears dreads that bounce and flail as she moves. She wears bright, multi colors and her thick clothing is loose and long. When she spins, it spins. When she bounces, it bounces with a life of its own. Each movement is disorienting. She wears a long, thick, and colorful scarf that wraps around her face and flails along behind her, bouncing around like everything else. She is like a fluid – like a snake. Her words are venom. I never see her face.
I feel helpless when I am with her. She races. She moves. She darts. She jumps. And all the while, she is pulling and dragging, her grasp growing tighter and tighter. She won’t let go and her fingers dig into my arm. Her voice never stops and I strain to understand what she is saying. I only catch pieces of words, bits of phrases. She speaks in absolutes. Her favorite words are always and never. I can’t think straight when I am with her. Her tongue clicks incessantly. The intonation in her voice rises and falls. She hisses. She mumbles. She shouts. Hisses. Whispers. Mumbles. Shouts. She never stops.


She rushes me along. Pulling, pushing, dragging. Never stopping. Darting to and fro. My head hurts. My head spins. Everywhere I look, I see bright lights. Quickly flashing on and off again. Spinning, colored lights. I close my eyes and all I see are spots. The floor bounces. The walls move. The spinning, the swirling, the bouncing keep me disoriented. I am never on solid ground when I am with her. I am never still. She moves so quickly. She grasps so quickly. She talks so quickly. Before I know it, I’m on a wild ride, transported somewhere I didn't mean to be.


She is never, never still. She never stops talking. She never stops moving. She’s constantly running, dragging, pulling, talking, shouting! Her destination is everywhere and yet nowhere. I can’t think when I am with her. I can’t speak when I am with her. I can’t find solid ground. I can’t stand still. When I am with her, I feel it will never end. When I am with her, I feel that I will never be safe.



Sanity saves me. Sanity doesn't seek me out. She doesn't pull or push me along. I must seek her - within myself. Sanity is grounded. Sanity is peaceful. Sanity is calming. Sanity is still. When I am with her, I know I will be ok.

6 comments:

  1. MM--I am imagining the wicked witch of the West and her evil flying monkeys. The line..."what a whirl, what a whirl" was going through my mind when I read this. I can see her in me as well...the constantly moving and spinning, always on the go is part of my craziness, too!

    My insanity never lets me eat anything.

    Eat my Scabs-- I have noticed ever since writing about my insanity, I recognize her more and can put her nonsense at bay a lot faster.

    I have gotten really good at self-talk lately...you know that kind, with the devil (Insanity) on one shoulder and the angel (Sanity)on the other. I talk things out and lately the angel is winning.

    I learned from my therapist today that our "actions/reactions speak louder than words"..we have to control our actions/reactions before we can ultimately control our thoughts and feelings.

    I am noticing that when something or someone does something that I don't like, if I make the conscious choice to act/react in a positive way, my feelings and thoughts are more uplifting...I feel the Spirit. I love it!!
    Easier said then done of course, but worth exploring and practicing for Sanity's sake.

    I know I have thanked you several time already, but thanks again for this challenge.

    HUGS:)

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  2. AAAAmmmazzzzing!!!!! I really love how descriptive this insanity is. I agree with Sparrow that writing about your insanity can help you recognize the nonsense in your mind.

    Stay strong :)

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  3. Since the time i walked out on the SA i find Insanity visiting me lesser and lesser.And even when she does i can shrug her off very easily.

    When i was with him , someone from the family stayed at the same hotel he had spent the night with a woman he had picked up in a chat room and then had a brief fling with.During the entire stay especially when i received a call from the person from that hotel i went completely crazy and insane.I barely survived those couple of days.

    After i walked out on the SA , another family member stayed at a hotel where he stayed after flying 1000 miles to spend 2 days with a woman he had picked up in a chat room and whom he had never met before.

    But this time, it didnt matter at all , not one bit.On the other hand i thought , well someone from my family has stayed there ,has reclaimed that hotel and erased his presence from there.

    Yes thats how i felt.

    Why ? How?

    I think its because the SA was nowhere around me , there were no reminders and i have regained sanity.

    And there was a time when i was so enmeshed and dependent that the pain of his betrayal was lessened only by his presence and in his arms.

    Not anymore.

    I am free.

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    Replies
    1. This makes me happy! I totally know what you mean about creating new memories for places with bad memories. That is such a healing and cleansing process. I'm happy for you!

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  4. This challenge is so timely for me! I've arrived at the part of my story on my blog that requires I face my insanity head on. As my confessional begins, I find she looks exactly like me. She is a frightening mirror image. She might be my evil twin, but there's no denying...she and I are cut from the same swatch of DNA. I own her, but I am working to dispose of her.

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  5. I imagine one of my drug clients spun out on meth. Holy smokes! I felt my heartbeat get faster and faster just reading it! Not sure if anyone has seen the movie Bug... probably not, it's R... and I don't watch R's anymore but when I did I saw it... and what you described is Ashley Judd in that movie. Seriously insane. Love it!

    ReplyDelete

hi

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