Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Strategy

using boundaries with an addict
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Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.

"Things get worse! 

Things get worse with an effective strategy.  It’s true.  

Expect conflict when you stop exhibiting the codependent behaviors of rescuing, persecuting, and suffering.  The addict’s behavior typically gets worse with the behaviors of self-love, unconditional-love and tough-love properly applied.  Family members and close friends will require time to adjust to the addict’s worsened behavior.  It takes both objectivity and courage to initiate effective strategies, knowing that the addict’s threats, yelling, and name calling will increase.  

But be assured that the increasing tension is a sign that you are changing and likely eliminating codependent behaviors.  If you are unable to withstand the increased conflict that comes with change, don’t plan a strategy.  Go back and work on self-love and find a support resource…"

Hold on to Hope pgs 154-155


What's your effective strategy?  

Mine include Detaching, Self-care, Boundaries, Support, Accountability, SpeakingLimbo and the Big Thaw.  

The Big Thaw isn't something I've talked a lot about yet.  I've just begun to feel myself melting and warming up to Mr. Scabs.  More later on that subject.

And I've certainly seen things get worse before they've gotten better.  

19 comments:

  1. Then damnit, I must be being very effective LOL Jokes aside, I hope its true...I really do...

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  2. I want to hear about the Big Thaw!!! Eager to hear both because I'm very happy for you and also because I feel myself thawing a little bit too and I feel really nervous about it. I see myself put myself back in the (self-protective, I'm not going to let you get away with this) freezer. I know that's not good for me, for him, for us.

    Big Thaw aside, things definitely got worse before they got better. Year 1 was a nightmare -- the worst year of my life -- but Year 2 has been grueling in different ways. The deep oh-god-this-really-is-my-life way that comes with acceptance. Hysterical bonding is gone as well as the high that came with it and I'm left with a cold stark reality interspersed with moments of magical warmth. I'm wondering if forgiveness is a real thing, a thing for me, something I should care about or not, and how to forgive myself for letting myself down for staying with him. I'm coming up on Year 3 and we've moved cross-country, setting up a new home, new couples counselor (who seems awesome), and I'm hoping for some real-life magic!

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    1. Thanks Erica! Big Thaw...it's coming up---some days it's thawing and some days it's still chilly as hell. It takes time...sounds like we're kinda in the same place.

      It's all grueling, isn't it? And today I just had a "oh-god-this-really-is-my-life" moment!!

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  3. It seems that every blog I have been reading lately has focused on something I need to do in my recovery. This post is really turning the wheels in my head.

    You an MM were inspired to write posts today and both have turned on a light bulb for me.

    There's way too much to say here, so I am going to write a post about it.

    I would say I am in a self discovery phase.

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    1. Sparrow...be gentle with yourself. This isn't an easy road. Self-discovery is good. :)

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  4. Interesting. I never thought about eliminating co-dependent behaviors creating worse responses - though that is a sign of growth. I am going to have to remember this, because in many relationships in my life that I have realized are co-dependent, when I try to establish boundaries it DOES get worse, and so I revert back to comforting and consoling and healing them. Bad. I am just going to let things get worse so they can get better. Thank you. You have such incredible insight! I know I don't share this same experience with you, but I still always find application from your posts.

    Also, I can't wait for you to post more about The Big Thaw. I love how you come up with these brilliant terms for everything!! Also, I love that you story is a full resolution of healing. I'm sure you still feel that there is healing to be done, but truly, your story is solid HOPE! It's like the past is getting further and further from you as you create a new and secure world. I'm trying to do that too.

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    1. Also, I love you! Thanks for everything!

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    2. always so sweet!

      And yes, there is tons of healing yet to be had. We're not in the clear. Somedays I still doubt if I/we can do this.

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  5. where am i? god only knows i feel like i'm in a wasteland of lost and sad ,things get worse before they get better? none of this makes sense,worse how,god i can't imagine it's as bad as i could never have dreamed ...i'm feeling so self destructive and sceared,scread of being alone,scared of not being strong enough,scared of losing my life because i don't feel the fight ...i am in free fall....it is like a bottemless pit and down down down,colder colder...darker darker...

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    1. When our nightmares become real---how could it get much worse? And when deceit comes to the surface, we look around we feel surrounded by lies. Giving everything we are to a life and another human being and then suddenly all the shackles fall off and we see it's all a sham. Nothing can describe the pain and heartbreak, because it is exactly that. heartbreak. Unthinkable. Unimaginable. Unbelievable.

      i remember feeling alone, shamed, terrified, dangerous, lost, weak, dark, humiliated, self destructive. I'm sorry. So so sorry. send me an email. we can talk more. Ever since you made your comment, I've been thinking of you. wondering where you are, how you are, what you need?
      ----sending my love,
      Scabs

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  6. so interesting. i kinda wish i knew what phase i was in.

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    1. i really don't know! Ha! I just kind of made up the phases...helps me see where I've been and where I need to go. who knows? There isn't really a road map, is there?

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  7. So now we know it gets worse...does it also get better? That's what I'm left wondering at the moment! :)

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  8. Well, it just got really, really bad. What now? I was expecting it, but I don't really know where to go from here. I'm going to hold on to the fact that it can also get better...no matter what happens...

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    1. I have never felt so much anger and blaming and twisting my words and manipulation from my husband. He's added yelling and throwing things and just generally beyond angry. He keeps throwing the divorce word around. He has withdrawn from the family.

      All I did was set a few boundaries for my healing based on my needs and what would help me find peace. He's so mad. So, so, so mad at me. Everything is suddenly my fault. I am glad I have been working on my recovery, or I don't think I could handle it. Even still, it is very difficult. This is not a man I know. He has NEVER been like this before, not even close. Of course, I have never been like this before either!

      I set a few boundaries, but there was one that REALLY set him off: "I don’t feel safe having an intimate relationship (on any level - including physical or emotional) without seeing actions that my husband is actively, enthusiastically, and openly working on himself and addressing the addiction." We weren't doing these things really before, but it was more on ME before and I think he thought once I got over "my" issues, then all would be well. This time, I basically put the whole burden and stress and craziness I have been feeling onto him. Because it is his issue.

      On the one hand, his response makes me even less interested in having an intimate relationship with him. On the other hand, I am not sure how to handle the abuse he's giving me. I've never seen this side of him.

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  9. In a way it makes sense to me why they act with such anger...they are mad at themselves and take it out on everybody else. They have demons inside of them.

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hi

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