Monday, October 15, 2012

Allegory of the "Wall"

eatmyscabs.blogspot.com
credit
Mr. Scabs is a one-man crew.  Nights, weekends, holidays and spare moments he has undertaken a huge remodel of our old home (maybe it's part of his penance).  One day he was knocking down walls with a sledgehammer!  Plaster flying, 2x4's splintering, wife screaming, cabinets crashing, dogs howling...Mr. Scabs cheesing an ear to ear grin.  He was ecstatic!

Our shrink calls it an "anger-release".

"Destruction is an infinity easier than creation!"
(theme of our life?)

Weeks later he rebuilt a wall.  Hammering studs and a thumb, fitting drywall and smoothing putty.  In fact, it took 3 days to smooth and mud the walls.  Sanding, puttying, smoothing, drying, repeat.  Frustrated with the lest than instant results he shared the Allegory of the "Wall" in our 12-step meeting.

"I worked all day on that wall, from early morning till late night.  And, when I stopped, it looked like I hadn't done anything!  It looked only mildly different.  Nothing the average observer would notice.
Working on that wall is like recovery.  You work all day making the smallest changes and no one notices.  The changes are almost undetectable.  It's depressing.  I want instant results. I want someone to notice!  
But, I've got to wake up, strap on my tool belt, not get discouraged and work on it some more."

Mr. Scabs, I'm starting to not only notice the changes but believe that they are genuine.
                                                                                                                      p.s. the wall looks great.

19 comments:

  1. i read this and i believe it all. not that i didn't before, but i couldn't understand how this could be conquered.
    now i know. you're awesome!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it can happen. i never believed it. it's doesn't mean we're out of the woods or everything is hunky-dory but there is progress and it's possible. of course, i may still sleep with one eye open! :)

      Delete
  2. I like this allegory:) Brought back memories of my hubby re-building our hallway wall, which was very frustrating for him.

    Recovery takes work...argh!! I have to remember the results will come line upon line. Change takes time, but it's beautiful when in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  3. :) I love this! How fun that you are remodeling your home! And I also love all his effort and progress.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ahhh what a positive direction! i love how life has so many applicable analogies to offer us. Love that you're a Ricks girl- good memories, right?!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ok! what year cause wouldn't it be crazy if we crossed paths? I'm always meeting alum that knew someone i knew or we both danced Thurs nights at the Galeria or ate pie Craigos or whatever.

      Delete
  5. You have no idea how much I needed to read this tonight April. I have a post pending about a rough weekend - not seeing results..it's like God said, "Hey Elsie, I know you're frustrated...go read April's blog." You did me a world of good. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i get it. it's totally tear your hair out frustrating. It's hard to see those small results but i think that maybe the some of the strongest changes come slowly, almost imperceptible.

      Delete
  6. what do you do when your husband doesn't even acknowledge that he needs to do anything at all? that its ALL because he had a dysfunctional upbringing? awwww... and its alright for his family to dump on me and exclude me,(from "intimate family gatherings" like my mother in law's funeral) because golden boy has a little internet problem. makes sense, doesn't it? sorry. I'm happy for you scabs. I read this on fakebook. I'm pathetic. can't get past it all. Lexie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahhh, my girl Lexie. Don't be sorry. Sometimes we come to the point where we need to cut our losses and run like hell. It doesn't do us any good to be trapped in a place where there isn't respect, compassion or change. You know you did the right thing. -Hugs- and who knows, I'm not in a position to be bamboozled again. This is his ONE chance. I'm smarter, I trust my gut, I'm prepared, I love myself...so do you. But, there are no guarantees, right?

      Don't be fooled by this post, I don't live in a world of trust with Mr. Scabs. I just recognize he has made some positive changes. Things I have never seen this man do. Things I can give him credit for. But like I said to Ruby up top, still sleeping with one eye open.

      He is in the beginning stages of repair and I am in the observation stage.

      Delete
  7. I loved this post Scabs, reading it felt like wrapping myself in a warm blanket. Weird? Maybe. But just so true. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. totally weird but I like weird ideas and people! :)

      Delete
  8. I think the same is for us. We can't do it for the glory of man, or to show how amazing we are, we have to do it so our own personal wall lasts.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am a "Mr." as well. I have thought a lot about this post (my wife shared it with me). I shared the "allegory" in a meeting, and when I was done sharing, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something missing. Then it dawned on me, "I destroyed the wall, and that is why the wall needed to be rebuilt." All I have done, in the eyes of others, is put things back to how they were supposed to be in the first place (kind of). It is not like I made some grand improvement. There was supposed to be a wall there. A wall with no holes, with the right texture, with wall sockets that work, and with a beautiful coat of paint.

    So, yes, I have put a lot of hard work into my building of the wall, and it is so difficult when others, specifically my wife, don't praise me for the work I have put in... but I am just making things the they way they always should have looked.

    Wives, please don't use this to judge your husbands.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear sweet,humble,vulnerable Mr,

    reading your comment was a beautiful surprise. i read it in silence as my heart stopped and I wept.

    YES! i thought, YES! YES! YES! I do not know you, I am not your wife or have any kind of relationship with you that your actions would have hurt me and so with that I can praise you fully.

    This is the crux of denial that it seems people who make mistakes (including me) get lost in. They believe rebuilding is some 'grand improvement' while it is grand and amazing, it is only building what should have already been there.

    thank you for seeing this. for moving past what is normal and human for reaching out to your beloved, loyal, loving wife. For validating your beautiful wife's tender feelings. You love her eternally. Thank you for rebuilding without expectation. for seeing what most do not. You are building the bridge which your wife and children will be able to use in crossing to their own healing paths.

    These realizations and awakenings and positive actions are quite literally the bridge across the wild tornado of a sea that threatens to swallow us all

    Life is full of mistakes and full of changes and full of hope. I am proud of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is "Mr." again. I think it is important to know, this is not the way I think most of the time, this is not how I act most of the time. Most of the time, I feel like my wife should recognize all the work I have done. It is only in quiet, calm moments of spiritual self-reflection that I catch a glimpse of this perspective.

      Most of the time, I am a jerk, but I am trying.

      Delete
    2. Instead of weeping, Anonymous Mr., I laughed. I laughed out loud!! I guess I laughed because I understand. I understand when you say you are a jerk most of the time.

      because in all fairness, so am i.

      Do you know what i think we should do? we should take our moments of clarity with both fists and run like mad away from the murky things that take us down. away from the triggers and thoughts and entitlements that allow us to act like jerks most of the time. lets do it!

      no matter what, i commend your for your moment of awareness. It's these moments that when we hold onto them as tightly as we can that weave that bridge, that boat and that portal, i was talking about. and someday we'll have enough moments that string together into a single non-jerk consciousnesses. i believe

      Delete
  11. I loved this post so much. He tells me every day I need fo acknowledge his progress. He needs praise for being normal? Im too mad to do that. He supposedly been sober for 3 months with "no pull" & im supposed to be doing cartwheels, or maybe ariels? Not feelin it.

    ReplyDelete

hi

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 

Template by Best Web Hosting