Monday, September 17, 2012

the other woman

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Read the previous entry here.

August 2011 

I discovered Joy on Facebook.  One of the women of my husbands sex-cation.  The result of years of porn and entitlement.  I found myself writing her a letter.  A twisted kind of love letter.  I wrote the letter in her language.

Dear Joy,
Hindi ko mapoot ka...
(I don't hate you...)

She lives across the sea, in a country a million miles away.  A country where rice and fish are the daily menu.  I lived in this country for over a year.  I know it's smells, it's customs and the way the a single motorcycle can be piled, teetering with 12 passengers and a box of chickens. It's a place I love with people I adore.

You see, his betrayal hurts more than just me. It's not just a mutual choice between consenting adults.

Joy is the epicenter, the eye of the hurricane, the individual personification of every women my husband used and discarded.  Thoughtlessly abused.  I hurt for them.

I'd seen Joy's picture, studied her smile.  I knew her face and her body.  I'd read her profile.  I knew she liked to read the Bible, spend time with her family and hoped to go to college someday.  I knew she'd just celebrated her 24th birthday.

Prostitution wasn't on her life list.

Why do I care?  Mr. Scabs and I are separated.  I'm preparing for divorce, about to leave his ugliness behind, start a fresh life.  I am fully detached so why do my thoughts linger on these women?

My heart steps into her shoes.  How would it feel to be her...

Each morning, after passing some cash to my landlord, buying some rice and one cigarette,  I wash my body.  The cool water rinses the sticky filth from the night.  I crawl my sore body onto a handmade grass mat.  It takes seconds to shut down and sleep, my mind removed from each nights work.   
How did I get here?  How many years has this been my life?  How many years do I have left?
New men each night.  Some are ruddy, overweight, sweaty and speak languages I don't understand.  Sign language is universal.  Others are lean, awkward and simple to please.  Some are angry, brutal and hurtful.  Some are handsome.  Some are rich and important.  Some are married and some are not.  Some are curious and some are lonely.   
I smile, giggle and put on a show.  Sex is mechanical.  Sometimes I'm afraid, degraded, other times they pretend to be my lover, but mostly it's empty. I do not know the genuine love of a man.

How would it feel to be them?  To have no safe place?  To be less than human, a commodity?   Her worth only has good as her blow job?

My heart cannot believe that any prostitute really wants to be there, whether by choice or by force.

I write Joy this twisted love letter because we are the same creature.  I am them and they are me.


23 comments:

  1. I cannot imagine your pain, your experience, or any of this. What strength you have and continue to share.

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    1. Thank you for your empathy Ruby. It's a little weird to me when people say that I'm strong...i'm not sure i feel that way, I just feel like im putting one foot in front of the other, each day making choices and walking my path. But your encouragement means so such!

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  2. It seems so long ago, I had to sit and think, but it's only been a year since the OW last contacted me...it's like a life time ago.

    I had no intentions of contacting OW, only their husbands so the affairs wouldn't be hidden in their marriages too. This particular OW tracked me down and she is the only one I no longer feel empathy for, the others I finally have a sense of empathy and understanding.

    You expressed yours very well.

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    1. isn't it weird that time seems to move in warped ways. sometimes it seems so long ago and other times it seems so short. I've heard some pretty crazy OW stories...women going bonkers! It's all so twisted.

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  3. One night, on a long drive up a mountain, my husband cried and apologized for the pain once again. And I cried for them. For the first time, I felt bad for them! For those women he had used. He never cheated on me physically but to me, the porn felt pretty close to being one and the same. I felt bad because once upon a time, those whores were my sisters, and they were, are, daughters of our Heavenly Father just like me and my mother and my sisters but all I could see were just whores. I think that was when I started hating less, and I began to forgive him and them. I have a million insecurities because of the women in those shameful videos but somehow I feel bad for them, not me. I hope all that makes sense ha. You're amazing Scabs!

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    1. It makes total sense. And it's totally normal to feel angry at them. And the sad thing is that sometimes these women really are out to hunt after married men. I wonder what brings you to a place in your life where it's ok to live that way?

      Our husbands may have done different things but i think our feelings of betrayal are pretty close to the same. If feel bad for all those girls too. It's got to be such an empty life to live.

      thanks for being here.

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  4. This is very difficult and heart breaking!

    My husband didn't physically cheat on me, but his porn addiction is cheating and I hate those women. I don't even like women I see walking down the street or in a public place. You know the kind that wear tight clothes,high heels, and show 12 inches of cleavage. I can't stand it! I know they are daughters of God, but I am not in a place to forgive them yet.

    I think you are amazing! I don't know if I could be as brave as you.

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    1. I know what you mean. It's hard to look at these women as "women", people with a heart. Because we feel so betrayed not just by our husband but by them too. As if they hurt us on purpose. I used to feel "triggered" when I'd see a sexy woman, or something from a movie or even just a cute Asian girl. It was hard to move past that. Cause I hated every single one.

      For me, I feel badly for them because i feel like they don't value themselves---sex becomes a way to seek approval and self-confidence and praise and to feel good about themselves...I know I've felt this way before.

      As for forgiveness, it will come some day. I don't think you need to push it, it will come when you are ready.

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  5. You are one brave and commendable woman. You have a strong heart and a peaceful spirit. Keep us inspired with your words, so we can move on with our issues as well.

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    1. That is the kindest thing to say...writing this story helps me move on with my issues. I believe in speaking, in sharing our stories and our pain and our success. I love that you feel inspired and that this helps you move on too. This is why i write Trixie, thank you.

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  6. I am right with you, Sparrow!! I can't even use FB or stand to walk by the magazine aisle in the stores b/c I get so triggered seeing beautiful women. And Scabs, YOU always come to mind when I start to get triggered like...Scabs chooses to be calm and strong...she chooses to see from a logical perspective (that the women are broken too)...she knows that some men really are sick from this addiction (as for me, I don't see it that way, I just see that my ex enjoys it, chooses it, suffers no consequence or pain from it -- according to him, porn had nothing to do with him not wanting me -- maybe that is true and I wanted to blame porn for it).

    P.S. Sooo excited to meet you this weekend!!!

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    1. Don't get me wrong Ang, I've felt those same feelings and triggers. They consumed me for awhile. You'll have to tell me your story, I can't imagine that what your husband said is true. Even the research backs you up, porn has everything to do with people losing natural affections.

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  7. I'm still struggling with this - empathy / forgiveness of the OW. In my case, the OW wasn't a prostitute and it wasn't porn. It was a pathological co-worker struggling with fertility issues and (I believe) propositioned my H to try to get my life, bunny boiler style. At the time I was pregnant with twins & she knew we went through fertility treatments to get there. From the moment I met her 2 years prior I had commented to my H that she seemed unstable, but that little fact didn't seem to enter his head when she propositioned him. I still think horrible things about her, and sometimes even feel violent when I think of her. (I'd never do anything in real life - don't worry). I *know* it's not about the OW -- my H never found her attractive or desirable -- she was a warm body that wanted him, and he wanted to be wanted. I don't know if I'll ever have empathy toward her. Struggling to find something kinda like forgiveness (whatever that may be!) toward my husband and not worrying too much about how I feel toward an insignificant soulless being, if she even deserves that much recognition. ('Hard' moment here...must soften up again!) ;-)

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    1. sounds like she wanted to insert herself into you life. I think it would be next to impossible to feel empathy for this kind of other woman. A woman who purposely, intentionally, plotted and planned to steal your husband and life. psycho. and i think it's ok to feel hard---those feelings are there for a purpose---and obviously you are open to forgiving someday. I like how you are just focusing on yourself and your husband for now. That's all we can do. Sending you my love.

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    2. Thank you for your empathy & kind words!

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  8. i do not understand.

    u forgive ur husbands and stay with them n u carry anger towards his acting out partner?

    thats funny

    he did not cheat at gunpoint

    she did not owe u a faithful marriage he did

    if u stay with ur husband means u have forgiven his partners in crime

    if u havent it just means its more convenient to pity/feel angry with his women than it is to feel angry with him

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    1. I have to stand up for my women here.

      While you are welcome here, I can't allow you to belittle the pain of others. You understand the depth and craziness a betrayal causes. Your story is terrible and I'd hope for more empathy from you.

      None of what you said is true-besides "he did not cheat at gunpoint". That part is true.

      But what about the other woman? Of course she owes a faithful marriage to those who are married.

      Does she not have the courtesy, respect or even simple kindness to recognize a marriage (good or bad) with possible children? Why does she not owe a family or couple that clemency? It is not her bed to sleep in until they are no longer a couple. Invited or not, she is an intruder. it takes two and their is no innocence there.

      What's more, just because you stay with your husband doesn't mean you have forgiven him yet. OR just because you have forgiven your husband doesn't mean you forgive the other woman yet either.

      This is our safe place to heal. i can't have you diminishing the very real feelings of these women who have been through so much pain. please don't.

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    2. Anonymous, I think that this is just an over-simplification of very complicated feelings. But I do feel like it's fair to say that no one is exempt from morality. And although I feel compassion for all the women whose hearts are broken by the inexcusible behavior of a sex addict, I don't excuse the behavior of the "other women". Some behaviors are simply accepted by society as inappropriate and fundamentally wrong.

      There is nothing at all convenient about feeling pity or angry to anyone, especially our husbands and the other women. These feelings just come, and must be dealt with, which I think everyone here acknowledges they are trying to do.

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  9. Scabs,nobody is diminishing anyone's pain here.All of us who have been at the receiving end of a sex addict's actions have suffered.Be it the wife or the girl friend or the hooker.to put things in perspective my man too has been with hookers.They do what they do for whatever reasons.Just that we need not be condescending towards them.

    She did not entrap my man.He checked out her agent and placed a call for her.Do i believe that had it not been this particular hooker would it have been someone else?Most definitely ,yes.

    Had it not been a hooker would it have been some other woman? most definitely,yes.

    Because there were many.

    I believe all the women have been used and abused by a sex addict.Without exception.For different reasons.

    For satisfyng various needs of his.Be it stability in his life,companionship,affection , sex ..whatever.But we were all used to fill up the bottomless hole in his soul.

    Makes none of us better or worse than the others.

    Am i angry with the addict..not at all.

    Am i angry with his partners in crime..i am past that.

    I have reached a stage where all this seems like a bad dream and i wish that for each and everyone of us here.

    ANd yes scabs,when i had not healed completely and yet held hope i too was upset with the women who were ahead of me in the journey and who told it like it was.

    My apologies if i came out harshly because i have been there and know this is not what one wants to hear during the journey.

    God Bless

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  10. One of the things I have been struggling to learn is how to hold conflicting emotions. It's really, really hard to feel anger and compassion at the same time, to feel empathy and disgust at the same time, to judge and be open at the same time, to feel strong and humiliated at the same time, to both love and hate someone at the same time. But this is life! And not just in relation to the aftermath of affairs. Yes, I imagine it *is* possible to forgive and still have anger (I'm not there yet, by the way... maybe someday)! I think it's when we give in to the black & white (it's all good or it's all bad) that we deprive ourselves and others of the nuances & wrinkles that make life so quirky...

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  11. Damn my husband for being so stupid, damn the other women, and the people who abused and neglected them into this line of "work" and the evil hearts of the people who make pornography. And stupid Satan for getting his claws in my family

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  12. moving on is the only way out.till we are in contact with the sex addict the memories never fade.ever.there is no recovery when there is constant reminder of things that happened.

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hi

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