Saturday, September 22, 2012

keeping it real

eat my scabs
credit

I am not always strong, courageous or peaceful.  

Yesterday was terrible.  I woke up in a good mood, made breakfast and took our daughter to school.  

Less than 10 minutes after walking through the door Mr. Scabs said something, then I said something, then he said something, then I said some more really mean things.  Insanity had taken over (remember her).  We were all out brawling!  Both of us hurt.  

We walked away, slammed doors, silent treatment, more mean things said, crying, blaming, sarcasm and before we knew it, it was time for dinner.  My eyes hurt from bawling, my face was swollen and my heart ached.  

It's like I was back on the bitter battlefield!

Mr. Scabs gathered the children and took them out to eat.  I stayed home.  

The silence was warm.  Cessation.  What had sparked this implosion of dramatic brawling and why couldn't I let it go?  I felt delirious, like slitting my wrists (not literally).  I couldn't pin-point why I was so hurt and so crazy.  

As the night drew in, we made some kind of uneasy, exhausted peace.  Mr. Scabs took my feet in his hands.    Smoothing lotion on my tired heels and loving me the best way he knows how.  After all the cruel things I had spewed in his direction, his eyes softened and his touch healed me.  Tears kept leaking from my eyes and a different kind of emotion overtook me.  

I felt his love and I felt vulnerable to it.

Today, I woke up feeling like a jerk.  Emotions were raging so high yesterday, I didn't notice the tell-tell signs; bloating, excessive chocolate craving, cramping, hormonal moodiness.  

I gave my heart-felt apology to Mr. Scabs.

14 comments:

  1. You would Think that month after month we would remember and be more prepared.

    Regardless, Sometimes the pain from old wounds resurfaces so quickly that molehills become mountains and drama ensues. It's not that we are being totally unreasonable, it's just that we're still healing.

    Or something...

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    1. Yeah! And it likes at that time every month, all the healing we did is gone out the window and for those few days all the pain is raw like it's been untouched.

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  2. I'm so glad you were able to say you're sorry this morning and realize why you were feeling so sensitive but what I liked even more was mr. Scabs' loving touch towards you the night before.

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  3. Amen to the above comments. I was especially touched that Mr. Scabs found it in him to reach out & be loving. I really struggle with that lately. I want to find a way to be loving, but I am so tired of all the hurt & I honestly have no energy (mentally,physically, spiritually - I just feel plain drained these day - I think pregnancy has a TON to do with it though)to spend on being loving towards someone who keeps hurting me.

    So kudos to Mr. Scabs & kudos to you for not just apologizing - but offering one from the heart - another thing I really struggle with.

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  4. Same here!! A week before my cycle I am mean. This has been that kind of week for me as well. My husband knows when it's coming and is usually ready for it. It's crazy how our moods can cause so much insanity.

    Mr. Scabs sounds so patient and understanding. A foot rub sounds so nice...I may ask for one from my hubby tonight.

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  5. A foot rub? That's sweet. I'm the Scabs are still together. :)

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  6. totally loved your honesty and realness!

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  7. Thanks guys! Seriously, what was wrong with me??? I kind of went bonkers and i'm thankful for mr scabs who is making changes in his being that allow us to bridge these kinds of gaps. it's really awesome to be part of.

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    1. I think it's so awesome that you CAN have those moments when life hurts and you feel hurt and Mr. Scabs is STILL there, loving you as best he can. Maybe our reactions sometimes get the best of us, and all of a sudden, the hurt [and hormones] are too much and we react, but he STILL loves you and he is STILL there for you. That makes me teary-eyed. I really do love you two.

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  8. I can not tell you how grateful I am for the fact that I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 42, 10 years ago. With my trusty estrogen patch on my butt, I have peacefully glided into menopause with the occasional hot flash, but little to no mood swings. I was nuts enough after DDay! I can not begin to fathom how manic I would have been with PMS & PTS together!! I shudder to think! I imagine blood shed of some sort.
    Kudos to Mr. Scabs. Foot rubs rock.

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  9. I have to say I applaud the healing evidenced in this exchange. Moments like this are what make me realize my husband is truly in recovery, when he is able to reach out after I have been crazy! He used to be so defensive, and get crazier than I was. Now, he may react still, but in the end, he is able to love me through my crazy. (And believe me, there is plenty of crazy to go around,particularly the day before I start my period..holy psycho batman!!) He acknowledges that while at times my reaction might be over the top, my feelings are real, the damage has been done, and the only way we can overcome it is to walk straight through it! We spent many post crazy episodes with me lying in bed, weeping in sorrow for my blatant disregard for his humanity, and him rubbing my feet, gently reminding me that he is capable of forgiving and understanding too! Its amazing:)

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  10. Hey Scabs, just remember - we're all human & hormones can make us crazy. Not an excuse - but remember to cut yourself some slack !!

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  11. OMW - Im so with you on this. Like clockwork every single freaking month, I am sooo convinced that he is still cheating on me. I just wish I could stop it. Its a tornado that whisks me up and away and there is no coming back until the crazy train has ridden its course...

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  12. I noticed this about myself as well..I told my husband when my period was coming to BEWARE I felt so emotional and the pain was so raw..I'm normal for 3 weeks and then 1 week crying and so the cycle continues..I have talked to my OB/GYN about it, because frankly I hate being like that and find myself apologizing afterwards..so my DR. told me you can take prozac just while you have your period, I didn't know that..but didn't want to go down that route quite yet..so being aware of our hormonal fluctuations is important I also notice when I'm exercising more the symptoms are less...

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hi

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