Saturday, August 4, 2012

we are broken

{The Scabs family is taking the last few weeks of summer off and away from most electronics. A vacation.   I will return August 13th for more of the Scabs Saga.  The following is a re-post.} 

November 2010

His secret life began with pornography.

It progressed after the birth of our first child.  I remember confronting him about his porn viewing.  I felt like it was replacing me.  Stealing away our intimacy.  Turning women into body parts.  Devaluing sex.  It's ugly.  He always responded with the excuse we all hear "every guy does it".   Or even worse, "if we had more sex, I wouldn't need it".  Really?

I was hurt, disgusted and ultimately turned off.  He was no longer the hot man I'd married and respected a few years before.  I kept my distance and detached my heart.  Now, I see his words were the words of an addict.

The pornography crescendo-ed into back-alley porn arcades which found my spouse jacking off where hundreds and possibly thousands of men had also left their marks.  This need surged inside him and there he was parked next to the Pizza Hut, sneaking past the legitimate eatery and ducking under the red neon sign into the darkened doors if the Diamond Spa. Touting therapeutic Asian massage.  Translation: hand jobs and sex with hookers.  The legally illegal brothel. The happy ending.  "You like?"

I imagine there's a lot of shame when leaving a place like the Diamond Spa.  When you use a baby wipe to clean your junk and zip up your jeans while handing over a 100 dollar that a proud moment?  When you sneak out the front door, jogging to your truck, checking over your shoulder and then driving home just in time for supper with your beautiful wife and that a proud moment?

My husband was well liked, managed a large business, a respected family man.  The kind of guy who helps neighbors with car trouble and charms the elderly ladies down the street with chatter about their lovely flower beds.  Friends and acquaintances often asked him how he'd gotten so lucky in life.  He had everything he needed to be happy.  All the gifts of deep blissful happiness were in front of him.  I could never understand why he wasn't happy.  When you find yourself in the stained massage booth of a prostitute finishing up and deleting all evidence of unfaithfulness, I imagine you don't feel like a Man.  In that sober moment, don't you wonder, "what the hell am I doing?"  And you see that you are your own life's napalm bomb.  The destruction is your own.  Didn't your mama teach you...Destruction is an infinity easier than creation.  This must be why an addict like my husband finds a kind of twisted peace in living a double life.

The man who plays with his kids and kisses his wife and helps the neighbors trim an overgrown tree isn't the same coward who seeks the raunchy companionship of an exploited prostitutes vagina.  Isn't this where the split-personality, the double life, the sociopath persona are born? Then comes the breakdown of self-respect.  It's snuffed out like the last drags of a second-hand cigarette.

The story of my discovery ends back at the beginning.
My husbands trip to the country-that-must-not-be-named.
Our 10 year anniversary.
My nightmares.

The apex of this story implodes as he returns home from his vacation and we meet in the airport.


  1. It's so dirty, the way you describe it. It's a different view for me, as my journey with it was so private, and kept indoors, meaning never ventured to somewhere else for the "fix", and only online viewing and comparisons to other women from his past. As far as I know.

    It truly is like two different people. The family man who is one way, and the man who is another way in a dark place.

    I think you are amazing, and accepting.

    1. it is ugly and dirty. I can't imagine those women want to be hookers. I can't imagine they love servicing the men that request them. I feel terrible for them. Terrible that mr scabs took advantage of them.

  2. I too remember the blame shifting, the denial, the anger...was it only a year and a half ago? Wow...amazing what this disease does to them, to us, to our marriages. What is even more amazing is what we can become despite the addiction. You rock, April. I hope you're enjoying your vacation!!

    1. Enjoyed the vaca! Thanks.

      It is so strange that this was only a year a half ago. A lot has happened.

  3. Yep...I can identify with that. Most of my struggle, has been accepting that my amazing man is also this sex driven weirdo. How can it be possible? Surely there must be a mistake.Surely the two can not exist in one person? I think one of the saddest moments in our journey, is accepting that not only that its possible, but its happended to your husbands. :-(


    1. Me too...Sometimes I look at him and I can't imagine that he was capable of such ugliness. Then i slap myself and am reminded that he did do it. every bit.

  4. This is Anon1.

    The SA was flying 1000 miles to meet up with a married woman, 17 years younger than him, who he had picked up from a chat room.He told me he had a business meeting in that city.

    I pieced the entire story later from the hotel and cell phone records.

    As he was driving from the airport to the hotel where he was going to be seeing that woman for the first time he texts me"its so beautiful here..wish you were here with me".Then"i have always wanted to live in the mountains..after retirement we will buy a house here and move here."

    Then he spends the night with that woman.

    He started travelling to the city she lived in and had a short affair.

    As i found out later it stopped for a while and he stopped travelling to that city.After a couple of months she sends him a mail asking him to visit her city.He plans a trip .the affair ..or the sexual encounters..resume.In the third trip she refused to meet him since she was pregnant with her husband's child.That evening he called a hooker to his room and on all the subsequent trip he callled the same hooker to his room.

    He was also sleeping with a couple of other women alongside.

    All the counsellors and the books etc etc tell us to separate the deeds from the man..can we? should we?

    Dont our deeds define us? then why do we have to make an exception in their case? because they are addicts?

    Is the loving and kind man a facade?or is the sexual deviant the illusion?

    Are there really two different men in there?or is that just something we cling to ?


    1. our deeds do define us. This is why I believe we can't listen to what they say, but we can observe and see what they are doing.

      I don't think we should separate deeds from the man. you are what you eat, right? the whole picture is important. I don't think we can afford to separate and compartmentalize them. Sounds far too co-dependent for me. So, i think you're right...



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