Thursday, August 16, 2012

the pink bed

Schoolhouse Electric
July 2011

Can you imagine what it feels like not to be welcome in your own home, your refuge, your territory?  You are an enemy of the state.  A traitor. A literal outcast.

Visiting the home that's no longer yours feels even worse than overstaying a visit with agitated relatives.  Every step you take, despised.  Not sure if you can touch anything or sit on the sofa.  Even the oxygen you naturally pull into your lungs is stolen.

As many evenings as I would allow, Mr. Scabs would come.  On his knees. Pleading for a chance.  Through red eyes and a swollen throat, promising, begging to rebuild all he had destroyed.   We both know destruction is an infinity easier than creation.  Besides, it's not me who gives chances.  It's him who takes the chance.

There were even a few moments of the ugly cry.  But, they fell on a closed heart.

Mr. Scabs put himself in a pathetic position.

Pushing himself up from his knees, he watches me for any warmth.  There isn't any.  There is no reaction at all.  I do not know this man.

Like a homeless man, he fills his laundry with more things.  Peeking in at his sleeping children, his face filled with pain.  Pain I'm sure I could sooth with a touch, a kind word, a genuine hug.  I don't have it.

Before he closes the door, he whispers:

"I love you.  I'm sorry.  Good-night."

Out the window I watch his sad, sunken shadow walk the grassy path to his truck, which is now partly his new home.  Strewn about with Jack in the Box taco wrappers, t-shirts and a toothbrush with crusty Colgate residue.  How does it feel to have no home?

It's midnight and he drives 40 minutes to the house with the pink bed. The pink bed is in a room, which is part of a house, which is owned by a guy who works for Mr. Scabs.

He's a stranger in this house too.

Follow the story.
Read the next entry here.


  1. Bet he spent a lot of regretful nights on that pink bed.

  2. I read this, and I know it was horrible. But still... I wish my husband would give me some kind of showcases like the ones you mentioned. But no. He´s so lost. And so defeated. No counseling, no nothing. Just crude blameshifting and sad looks. Sometimes I wonder If he´ll ever try again for us. For our two born kids, for our unborn twins and maybe for me.

    But it´s been 5 months since DDay and the balance to this day is just more and more lies. Silly me... I still wonder If maybe he will regain his sanity the day our twins come to this world.

    Well hope dies at the very last right?

    Love your writing.


    1. For me, I felt like I could finally recognize the hurt I had caused and the important things I was throwing away. I felt like I took the same attitude as your husband. It took me more than 8 months to let go of my pride and really see the truth of it all. I didn't want to talk about it, i didn't want to face the truth and I didn't believe counseling would help. i was too full of pride and bullshit.

    2. I can actually say this sounded like music to my ears. Im still waiting for him. I love him. Im not a pushover or have a low self esteem, its the hard part of recognizing a love so big I didnt know i was capable of feeling before. Reading this really helps.

      I feel like he couldve written those words himself. The pride. Stupid pride. But hey!!! like they say, love is stronger than pride. I know my love is strong. I hope his will be as strong too. If not... well... time will heal us all.

      Thanks for this, I feel like bouncing on the walls cheerful!

  3. Hey K

    Mine lied for months as well. I think it took 7 months and then I kicked him out. Like you I found out while pregnant...come to think of it, it seems like a lot of women found out while pregnant. I wonder why that is?

    Anyways,there's always hope. Will he see a counsellor?

    1. Xena,

      I kicked him out since Dday. Couldnt share a house with him. Now he´s at his parents basement. But still acts out.

      I guess God wanted us to know the truth while pregnant so that we could take care of us and the babies.

      Hope... yes... a lot. But sadly it seems that he gave up on everything including himself.

      Time will tell. I hope I get a chance like you guys got one.


    2. This is the worst part. Watching the lies and continued acting out. It's so painful. This is where you detach like the devil's chasing your ass. Cut it off, everything. You can still watch and see, but it won't be as painful. When you do this 2 things will happen either #1 he will make good changes or #2 he will maintain his current path.

      Sucks. I feel you pain. Especially with twins on the way. Do you have good friends and family who are willing to help you?

    3. Yep! Detach. I´ve been learning it believe it or not thanks to your guidelines and Jacys kind support!!! And I´ve come to a nice spot where I feel safe. Thanks!!!

      The pain is more bearable now. Its different. Detached pain maybe? I dont know, but its better now than it was on Dday. I continue with my life, my kids, pregnancy and work. Im functioning well again. And yes, my mom has been a source of light like a big lighthouse i can run to when everything turns black.

      And like she said, on Dday, "Kara, theres no way you will make it trough this without the help of God".

      So Yes, im blessed with friends and family the value of gold. But most of all... NOW im getting to know GOD. And He´s the one holding me now.

      Thanks for this Mrs and Mr Scabs!!!

  4. is it bad to say that for everything my husband did... during this time of detatchment.. (and sadly theres been numerous of these "detatchments from multiple occasions after the original D-day) i almost enjoyed watching him struggle and be in pain. After all.. he has put me through hell, right?
    I love your line:
    "it's not me who gives chances. It's him who takes the chance. "

    1. I know what you mean! I have those same feelings...haha it's a natural outcome of detaching. They struggle and we observe.

  5. I know not everyone supports it but my husband agreed to a polygraph and it was what finally helped him to really look at the lies and all he had done. He checked himself into and inpatient rehab the day after his polygraph.

    We are working on healing, but of he had not done the polygraph I don't think he would have stopped the lies and acting out.

    1. i support it. if we are going to rebuild a life with this person who betrayed us...we must feel confident they are telling the truth. I can't tell the details here, but I have my own "system" for knowing the truth. And it works. its give me peace of mind and reduces my anxiety.



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