Friday, August 10, 2012

Revenge Sex


Screenshot from 1929 film, The Letter

{The Scabs family is taking the last few weeks of summer off and away from most electronics. A vacation.   I will return August 13th for more of the Scabs Saga.  The following is a re-post.} 

Revenge sex.

Seems like a possible good idea.  Revenge of any kind seems like a good idea.  I deserve some kind of delicious revenge.  And I deserve some great sex.

I've gone mental, berserk!  My vision is blurry and clouded with seething anger.  Still in denial...could this really be him?  This guy?  I just can't get over it.

When I see his face I think, "No, not my husband.  This can't be real."

I see his hands and I think, "Those hands that I loved.  Those hands that built my home.  Those hands that cradled my babies.  Those hands that caressed my body.  I HATE THOSE HANDS!  He touched all those girls with his hands.  They were MY hands!"

The sight of his skanky mitts reels me into hysterical fits!

@!%&*#@#$%!!!!

How many nights did I lay in our bed, ignored, crying.  Wishing those hands would touch my body, exciting my skin, building my flesh, hot and torrid.  I wish his hands would spend lazy moments feeling my femininity craving my soft skin.  Why couldn't I be his sex addiction?  That all seems lost.  Now, I can see why our sex life was dis-passionate and grey.

It wasn't always him.  Babies and stress affected my sexuality.  When I tried, he didn't want to talk about it. Being monogamous and creating a tender and passionate sex life isn't easy.  For me, nothing effected our closeness and intimacy more than his use of pornography. I hate it.

Pornography takes the beauty out of being woman.  Robs us of our sensuality and confidence between the sheets.   Steals love and respect from the man we care about.  For me, I grew a serious aversion to my husband.  He was filthy.  Pornography turns men and women into ugly empty shells...far from the purpose of being a couple.  There is a profoundness and depth to a monogamous relationship, to a love that is more than just self-serving orgasm.

I know this isn't a popular opinion.  I'm always jarred by how many women I meet who say, "What's the problem, it's just porn.?"  This idea might be old school, pre-feminist, pre-bra burning.  I believe in real love without bleached sphincters and comically disproportionate implants.  I love my real body and I want to share with a man who values a deep full-bodied connection.  Not the concocted lies of glassy "perfection".  Be real.

I know there are women out there who agree, who say, "porn is a problem."  It's not a victim-less habit.

As much as I long for that touch, for that comfort I can't. It is for all the reasons above that I simply cannot open my legs for revenge sex.

3 comments:

  1. I can't believe that no one commented on this! I know several of my readers follow you...

    "I believe in real love without bleached sphincters and comically disproportionate implants. I love my real body and I want to share with a man who values a deep full-bodied connection. Not the concocted lies of glassy "perfection"." - DITTO

    I have contemplated a revenge affair or just a revenge fuck. An affair would really tear him apart. But I realize that the only reason I think of it is to punish him.

    Yes, my husband made a bad decision, but it does not make him a bad person. If we want to repair our relationship, we have to stop hanging on what happened and focus on what we are going to do in order to move on - whether it is with each other or not.

    I decided to stay and work through things...It has been 8.5 months since D-day. I'll be catching up on your blog...

    If you want to read mine: http://ourjourneyafterhisaffair.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. so sad right? no comments. Thanks for being my first! It's scary to admit that I thought about revenge sex. That's a dark place to go, isn't it?

      I haven't come across your blog yet so thanks for introducing yourself yet.

      Delete
  2. I don't think it's bad. My husband has been into porn for who knows how long. We've been married 14 years. He admitted it one year in and I wish I would've left then. He admitted a couple mess ups but I got so mad and told him I'd leave him he's hid it. I don't know why but now after at least 10 years of any disclosure I am reliving the trauma. He admitted valentines day that he did it a long time after. No remorse. No, I am sorry I lied. Just I am not that person now and I feel like you don't know me. ? Really? I cause I don't feel like I know you either. Distant, aching for him to reach out and hug me. Aching to be held and told he loves me. Reading blogs from the porn addict and the traumatized wide makes me want to run. I don't want to be that person writing after 20 years that we are battling this.
    We don't fight, we pretend everything is fine and look after all our kids. I don't want that for them... A broken family like everyone else. I feel like it's my fault if I break it up but it's his right? He's the one that still shows all the addictive signs. I have no physical proof. His iPhone is jacked to the nines on private mode and no cookies. That's kind of proof enough. I just don't see how I can go on and believe him like ever?

    ReplyDelete

hi

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