Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Freedom

Thanks MLK
{The Scabs family is taking the last few weeks of summer off and away from most electronics. A vacation.   I will return August 13th for more of the Scabs Saga.  The following is a re-post.} 

April 2011

He's gone.  I'm Free!

Weird how all the acidic dark feelings kinda left with him.  Or are they just masked by the high of my take charge attitude?  Who cares!  I feel good and there's a break in the storm.  I can breathe.  He had 24 hours to leave.  When I pulled into the driveway after work he peeled out.  What a statement!  I had to laugh!!  He was mad at me.

I'm mowing the lawn myself, fixing the broken kitchen cupboard, taking my kids to school, working, budgeting and buying groceries and paying the bills, talking with friends and family, attending PASG (12-step) and going to yoga and therapy.  I feel so much love and support. The only thing I resent about him not being here is that he picks up the dog poo.  But even that feels kinda great.  Like I own this place!  I own my life and I don't mind cleaning up my dog's crap!  Then the realization hits me...he had been so controlling and I had allowed it.  Oppressive. errrrrrg.

Those first few weeks he just stayed away.  Apparently, he'd found refuge and an extra room that didn't cost much.  He literally had no where to go.  No friends.  No family.  No girls. (I'm sure hookers charge extra for multiple overnighters.)  He has no one.  I kinda felt sad for him.  Pathetic really.  A 35 year old man with not a soul in the world to help him out.  In fact, he ended up staying in the spare room of a guy that works for him.

I saw something I'd never seen before...he had no idea how to build a meaning relationship with anyone.  Looking back at us, I saw how hollow it was.  No depth.

5 comments:

  1. Hey Mrs. Scabs, I am amazed with how well you put into words what I have felt being betrayed. I thought those things and was beyond full of anger and hate. And you look back and see clearly of all those red flags...makes you feel even angrier. Is it even possible to have any depth in a relationship these days with the opposite sex? Seems like we are not taught that at all and we are just void of deeper emotions that we try to fill with some form of addiction.

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    1. Hi Ang, Thanks for being here and for reading. Sometimes I re-read those words and I can't imagine that I was there...that I was so hurt and livid and destroyed. I feel like I can see the patterns and that hurts even more. Maybe now, you feel like you don't have a pulse and there's no way we could connect with and sense of realism with a man. I'm sure I would NEVER get married again. Been there, done that,right? But some of my friends who have walked our paths say it will happen when we're ready. It might take a lot of trust and a lot of time but I have to believe that men aren't inherently evil. They want real love too. What do you think?

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  2. Hi Scabs! How have you gotten to the point of having hope again? Sometimes I think some people are born to be more of an optimist or have this amazing ability to move forward with faith. I think since not having any self esteem or self worth growing up affects how I view myself and the world. It's like I place my self worth in a relationship and whatever happens is proof of my worth. I feel more broken and damaged from the demise of my relationship and can't seem to see reality. Messed up right? Not being able to let go or accept that what happened happened is probably my own form of addiction, right? Sigh.

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    1. Awww girl, don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through hell. It's true, I think optimism doesn't come to everyone so easily. And it's easy to place our value on others and what others think of us. It takes one day at a time. It's easy to fall into feeling depressed or broken but your not broken. Sure there's damage but i don't believe we have to hold onto it. There's so much I'd like to say about this because I think this is key and I think I'm reaching that new phase myself in my own healing. It's a good post topic. We'll get a good conversation going about it...you're not the only one who feels this way.

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  3. Thanks for the wisdom...One day at a time. You are right, we don't have to hold on to it.

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hi

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