Monday, July 2, 2012

Nice Move, Mr. Scabs


June 26, 2012

There are moments I snap.  Getting mad and hurt at nothing but memories and feelings of the past.    Today, I had one of those moments with Mr. Scabs.

Within a 2-second conversation, I'm heated and escalating over imagined realities.  Over my lack of emotional awareness.  My freak-out!  All it takes is one flash-second for screaming lights and sirens to sound announcing safety has been breached.  A bullet-proof, fire-proof shield locks down as I retreat to my panic room ready to engage the detach button and drop everything as I float off into space.

My go to recovery tool is detachment.  Wounds like yours and mine may take decades to heal and "freak outs" are probably normal.  But, today something different happened.  In the blink of an eye Mr. Scabs taught me the value of vulnerability.  

Just before the panic room shield locks down, Mr. Scabs pulls a full on Indian Jones move! Almost instictual and at risk to himself, he swiftly slides under the door grasping my hand as I run and says,

"I'm trying everyday to be faithful in my heart!  
I want to love you, more than anything, and 
give you everything I took away.   
I don't want to revisit the man I was, ever.
I am in love with you!" 

                                            - Mr. Scabs


  1. I really needed to hear that today. My husband is not there yet. But it sure gives me hope! Thank you for your openness clarity. My world is muddled these days. Thank you for your ray of sunshine

    1. i'm sorry to hear that things feel muddled and foggy now. This is the most gut wrenching thing i have ever felt. but im so glad you are here and you can feel safe here too.

  2. Another goosebump post tha tugs at my heart strings.

  3. Ah how stinking cute! It's cute and sweet because of how genuine it feels.

  4. I love it! So funny because we had a long talk last night about vulnerability. Watch the video on it by Brene Brown. Pretty amazing stuff. We can see that a lot of our difficulties in our marriage go back to the issue of being vulnerable. LOVE YOU!

    1. i love it when i hear and see these things from mr scabs too. This isn't his normal character,or at least the character i knew before. This opening and sharing is a new behavior and he always catches me by surprise with the amazing things he says and the actions that back it up. crazy how vulnerability can change the climate of things.

  5. Is it enough to heal the past? How many years will I have freak outs? What if I freak out everyday still-is that normal?

    1. it's not enough. no way! A few little sentences of humility and sorrow don't change a life. It will take a life-time to heal such terrible things. And just because mr scabs says a few nice things doesn't mean that i trust him. Let me say that again, cause it came as a shocker to a few readers i was talking to...i don't trust mr scabs. This is the beginning and i won't give my trust away that easy. Although being genuine and empathetic is a nice step in the right direction.

    2. as for the freak outs? i don't know. Im learning how to better handle them and how to respond and prepare for them. You've been traumatized---freaking out is ok and i believe a day will come where it won't really affect you anymore even though it will always be an indisputable part of our past.

  6. :)

    Anonymous, here's what I would say based on what I've seen in the lives of women walking this path. Keep focusing on your own healing. The freak-outs will happen less as recovery principles keep taking hold in your heart. As your heart continues to change and heal, you'll be able to see more clearly what is really going on around you and, more importantly, inside you.

  7. Yes the freak-outs will reduce.You may call it healing or you may call it detachment.I see it as the diminishing shock impact and blunting of our sensibilities to the filth.

    The first time you see nude images on your SA's computer,the first time you learn of his affairs,the first time you find out he has been going to hookers is earth shattering.The second time it wont be as traumatic..the third time even less so.And believe me it will happen.

    There are going to be relapses or episodes of acting out..over and over again..once the honeymoon period post discovery ends.But you wont suffer the same trauma over and over again.

    Its upto us to decide if thats how we want to lead our lives.

    Just one last woman who has stayed with the SA is happy and no woman who has left the SA has regretted it.

    I apologise if i come across a little harsh but if we decide to stay with our SA lets do it with full knowledge of whats to come instead of continuing to live in the same delusional utopia we were living in before discovery day.

    1. I pray i am not delusional or enabling ever again. The spiral you describe is daunting and surely I'd get flushed out with all the other toilet bowl shit if I lost my ability to freak out at the repulsive, abusive world of the sa.

  8. Jeesh, I'm just trying to catch up with things this Tuesday morning and I haven't stopped crying since reading your latest posts. Way to go Mr. Scabs. Keep saying this kind of genuine stuff - everyday, forever. You're going to need to!

    1. Linds! That is why you are my dear friend. You feel as deeply as I do about all this garbage. Thanks for being here. And thanks for hanging out in the river with me this last weekend.

  9. Wow. That must feel like a tiny island of hope in a sea of pain. I hope it put a small stitch in both of your broken hearts. (Sorry for the poetic language, I think in metaphors.)

  10. Anon above-you do not believe a SA will stay "sober"?

  11. No i do not believe that a SA will stay sober permanently.
    Yes , there would be periods of sobriety..some large, some small.

    My story is a little different from that of most women here.

    I got taken in by the biggest and most common con in the history of womankind.

    My SA was married and he knew i never would start an extra marital affair.He told me he was in the process of filing for a divorce.

    He was always extremely angry with his wife.He told me they lived as room-mates and that he had lost interest in his wife sexually because of their constant fights.

    Believe me every single thing the wives here talk about i have heard the SA's perspective.its eerie.

    he maintained he barely spoke with her, never went out anywhere with her and did not share much of his financial resources with her.

    He kept reassuring me that the divorce would come through and kept pleading me to stay.

    Inspite of huge red flags i chose to believe him till my uneasiness got too much to handle.

    Inspite of my begging and pleading him to tell me the true scenario he kept insisting that he saw me as his wife and gave me a ring and one day he came with a wriiten sheet and read out what he had written.The vows, !!!!

    I was completely totally in love with him and devoted to him.
    We lived in different cities ..we were connected right thru the day via texts calls and mails and met once in 4 weeks as an excuse to travel to
    My uneasiness was growing but at the same time i was unwilling to dig deeper for the fear of what i would find out.

    Finally i hacked his e mail.

    Pandora's box put it mildly.

    First and foremost there was no divorce.

    I found credit card statements showing purchase of jewellery ,clothes etc for the wife from his funds when he had told me they have separated their finances.

    They had purchased a bigger house in joint names taken a mortgage and were moving in shortly.

    I found eveidence of holidays etc etc.

    And i found his cell phone bills.

    With midnight texts and calls to multitude of numbers all belongig to various women in different cities..calls to hookers escorts etc etc.

    Subscription to various porn sites,search for sex partner sites, looking for a bride sites,webcam chats .online chats etc etc.

    On confrontation i was told that though divorce is not possible nonetheless he hates his wife.!!!

    He admitted to porn and short lived affairs with varoius women..he did not admit to the hookers.

    I told him i could not continue the relationship though he begged me not to cut off communication.

    he told me he would break all contact with all the women.

    He told me he could not survive without me in his life coz his life at home was hell and that i was his anchor as well his angel.

    I continued a normal friendly communication with him till one day i found a mail sent to an escort agency in a city he was going to travel in a few weeks.

    I completely snapped all communication.

    To cut a long story short,he was completely normal with his wife outwardly..she had no clue .Inwardly he was always extremely angry with her and used that anger as an excuse to lead a double triple multiple life.

    So , i have heard how and what a SA thinks or lets himself think about the marriage to use it as an excuse for his addiction.

    I had a severe case of PTSD , contemplated killing myself.went for counselling and with unbelieveable effort just managed to extricate myself.

    My psychiatrist told me he would never ever divorce the wife coz that is the only island of sanity he has in his chaotic life.I believe his wife had found out about one of the women and had wanted to leave.

    He had begged and pleaded of her to stay, gone for therapy and promised he had changed and stopped.

    His phone bills proved otherwise.

    I have been on the other side of the fence , seen how a SA treats his marriage.

    I have been a victim of a SA but with nobody to blame but myslef.

    So to answer your question once i dont think a SA can least not permanently.

  12. To add to my post above when i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and would be sobbing hysterically SA would sob along with me and promise me that he would make me get better..that since it was he who caused tremendous pain to me he would be there for me always and till the day he died he would keep loving me and keep trying till the pain vanished.

    As time went by and i was still triggering though much infrequently he started losing his patience and one day blurted that he has given so much to this relationship post discovery and i yet trigger!!!!

    In the books of the SA staying away from other women and hookers is a big contribution they make to the relationship and we are supposed to be ever so grateful for thah.

    Fidelity and honesty which are not something that one should have to ask for are qualities the SA thinks he bestows on us.

    And he was angry with me that he has given up all this and i still wouldnt sleep with him.

    I kept telling him that whatever you are searching for you have to find it in your wife or else separate from her and then look for it outside.

    But thats not what a SA wants..he wants the normalcy and stability of a home as a foil to their inner chaos.

    I wanted no part of this cheating world and snapped all ties.

    He has resumed his travel since i walked away,which he had curtailed post discovery, and is back with escorts hookers etc.

    I did contemplate telling his wife but thought it was best to let her be.

    Its not my place and yes i have wronged her tremendoulsy out of my own naivete and the SA's utter dishonesty with me about the status of his marriage.

    I carry the guilt within me.

    But deep down somewhere i do feel ,inspite of my breakdown,my therapies, my anti constand bouts of crying it was a little easier on me than the wife.

    The trauma and pain of deceit and betrayal is the same for all women but at least i could walk away.

  13. I am speechless.

  14. I am the Anon who has posted the story above and to avoid confusion i will call myself Anon1.

    Anon i havent even skimmed the surface of the crazy making that i went through.

    It was a double whammy for me.

    Not only had i to cope with the entire sex addiction issue but also that he had completely deceived me about his separation and divorce.

    He had vreated a total fictional image of himself and a complete unreal world in which our relationship existed.

    It took me 2 whole years to get out from that world back into the real world.

    The pain went first , then the anger,the man is just fading..but the memories of events that happened and that of every single lie he spoke (and believe me he spoke zillions of them)are yet fresh.

    I am hoping that with time they fade too.

    1. This is insane!!! First time i read this my jaw dropped! It reminds me of a story written by jeanette walls about her grandmother...i think the story is titled "half-broke horses". its only a small part of the story but she fell in love, got married...lived with the man for a few years then one day found out he was married to another woman with children in another city!!! She ran home to find their bank account cleaned out. This happened in the 1920's! How have you survived. And you bring a lot of raw reality to the world these sa men live in and how they suck you in with lies. I'm sorry this happened to you and really i wonder how did you survive? how are you now and what are you doing?



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