Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Mr. Scabs Answers Hard Questions


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    I almost hate to read your stories because it echos mine.  I 'm beginning to see how much destruction I've caused in my family and I can only imgaine what's been going on in yours.  Thinking about the things your husbands have done upsets me.  I think it's lame but then I take a step back and say i did that, I'm lame.


    You all deserve honesty, a complete family and something real. 

    I can't believe you ladies even care what I have to say.  It's humbling to answer your questions from my addicts perspective. I don't deserve your compliments and yes, I would have picked a different way to be famous.  These questions are requiring me to be more honest and more open with myself and my wife.  It's scary to look in the mirror at face value and see that I am that person.   

    Here are some more answers to hard questions.  
                       
    Q:
    These two questions are from Kara @ Mujer Rota en Reparacion
    Does the word "power" have anything to do in the bad choices you made? Did it make you feel somekind of "I am a powerful man" rush to act on the addiction? My husband told me that being with the others made him feel like a man.Like he had control.
    A:
    In a word, no.  Not at all. This is just my opinion and in my experience I never felt powerful.  Wish I had more to say on this but I just can't relate to feeling powerful.  I didn't feel powerful or in control I felt alone and weak.  I'm still trying to figure out "why" I did these awful things.

    Q:
    Also, I don't know if this was the case in your marriage, but in mine, I tried to "lure" my husband into having sex with me (cause he would always tell me he was tired or something) and sometimes he would say that it (sex) wasnt important to him, that he preferred any way of expressing love but not the physical part of it. So the real question is... how does that work? is it because maybe sex is so horrible and dirty or whatnot that a husband with intimacy problems wants to spare his wife of all the dirt?

    I couldn't believe that my wife would want to have sex with me and so I pushed her away.  Isn't that stupid?  Porn messes you up so you begin to think of sex differently.  It becomes a perversion.  The expectation of sex is twisted. 

    I find my wife more pretty, beautiful and sexy now than when I was deep in my addiction.  When I was looking at porn I loved her but I wasn't interested.  One New Year's my wife thought it would be great to have sex everyday for a month as part of a New Year's resolution.  I think she could see something was wrong and wanted to reach out to me.  I told her "no".  Isn't that stupid too?  If I could go back, I would say YES!  I would want to learn how to build a sexual relationship with a real person. What normal guy wouldn't want that?  

    Honestly, pornography and sex with hookers is far from perfect.  It might seem that way from the outside but it's disgusting.  I'm disgusted with myself.  It was the ultimate selfish, lazy way out of being part of a real couple.  One day the porn wasn't enough, I left the door open to cheating and I let it all go until there was nothing left in me.  Once you've crossed the line it's much more simple to just  run up the street pay for sex and be done.  I'm sorry. I know I sound like a jerk.

    Q:

    Questions from Xena @ Killing Cupid

    This Go Mr Scabs!! Feel free not to answer if ur feeling like its a bit personal. My husband is a recovering porn addict. His gone the whole hog into bringing fantasy into life. Since last year he says his been clean, but this is what I want to know ;


    1) he denies even thinking about porn these days. Is that possible when someone has been so deeply entrenched? I would feel more comfortable if he told me that he was struggling but seemingly over night his addiction dissapeared. What's ur take on that? 


    A:
    Things may be different with your husband and I don't want to call people out but here it is, bullshit.  When I said those things to my wife I was lying.  I couldn't quit cold turkey and I was too ashamed to say I was having any problems. I knew how much it hurt her.  When I came home from the country-that-must-not-be-named and was caught I couldn't stop.  I felt like dirt and white-knuckled it for about 2 weeks.  

    To be honest, I will never be the same.  Lust is part of who I am. It's our job as men to determine what is lust and what is love and make the right choices.  I'm not saying that lust is right, it's something I have to be carefully aware of.  This question is so hard to answer.  If I was talking to you I would say, "no, you can't just stop thinking about it."

    I'm now at the point where i pretty much don't think about porn or the websites I've seen.  It takes work and it's been about 6 months since I've looked at a porn site.  This is just my opinion and so maybe he had a lightening bolt moment and a sudden change.  That would be awesome.

    Sex is everywhere.  For me I have to do the small things to evacuate those images from my mind.  I read scriptures, I try to focus on being honest, on rebuilding my relationship and communicating, on my 12-step work, on building my relationship with God, on keeping myself safe from my addiction and being honest in therapy.  Whenever I "white-knuckle" it, i always loose and get lost in the patterns of my addiction that ultimately lead to crappy decisions.
  2. Q:
    2) what do you think the reason is that addicts will only do some heavy sexual stuff with others, but refuse to do it with their partners? My husband treated me with kid gloves. A serious Madonna complex and was shocked when I wanted to experiment and yet I saw some of the porn he was watching and my suggestions were pretty tame in comparison. 

    A:

    I don't want to be hurtful and this question involves so much about image and sex.  For me, what happened when I was so involved in pornography and addiction was that my image of women got warped.  I forgot what it felt like to be with a real woman.  Its like your constantly searching for something that doesn't exit.  It's an image, a video or fantasy.  It seems like it's the ultimate sexual perfection but it's really a let down.    Pornography and prostitutes killed me sexually and emotionally.  It's counter intuitive, you'd think being surrounded by sex and porn would actually ramp up your sexuality.  Honestly porn is just a means to masturbate and it kills the connection and sexuality between couples.   I couldn't be interested in my wife when porn had killed our emotional and physical connection even if she wanted to do the same things I was watching or doing.


    Q:
    3) what was the best thing scabs ever did, that aided ur recovery? 

    A:

    She kicked me out.   Having the natural consequesnces fall where they fall and I had to decide to either pick up the pieces or fall deeper into my addiction.  I wasn't happy.  She also supported me by setting boundaries.  And she gave me hope.  Even though she kicked me out, she let me come everyday and take the kids or come for dinner.  But at the end of the day I had to go back to the pink bedroom.  The pink bedroom was the room I rented from a guy who works for me.  I lived there long crappy 8 months and new I didn't want to loose my family.

    Q:
    Questions from HX @ Working Towards Healing
    What gives you the most hope? What scares you the most?

    What gives me the most hope is just seeing progress and healing in myself, my wife and my family. The things that matter most are coming into focus.  There are great things like, I'm sleeping in my wifes bed, I'm taking an active part in deepening relaitonships with my children and there is the possibility of getting rebaptised into our church.  And forgiveness from Mrs. Scabs although i am having a hard time forgiving myself.  I feel myself working on my relationship with God.  

    My biggest fear is screwing up again.  I'm making some of the hardest changes I've ever made and I'm afraid of it not lasting and what if "screwing up" becomes a pattern in my life.  I'm afraid of not breaking my bad habits like not communicating with my wife and looking at porn.  It's all very slippery and it seems like it wouldn't take long for me to be back living an empty life.  I'm afraid that I'll loose my family and my wife would re-marry some rad dude that lives in my house and raises my kids.  
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    There are a lot more questions left to answer.  I hope to get to some more by the end of the week.  They are difficult to answer but you are helping me with my recovery and my relationship.  I appreciate the opportunity for honestly and i feel like every time I do this I'm getting closer to my recovery.  Answering these questions has been as good as 12 step, maybe even better.  I really have to think about my own feelings and actions and put them into perspective.  Thank you for giving me the chance to share my part of story.

    With great respect,

    Mr. Scabs

8 comments:

  1. Your feedback is really great. I think my hubby is full of crap when it comes to the porn thing. How can he not be thinking about it? This is man who had a harddrive with 400 of his favourite clips, never mind what his seen and discarded and watched online. He once told me that would compulsively undress women with his eyes, because thats how he related to women. Sexual objects, nothing more and nothing less. A year later, his saying that this no longer is an issue for him...I don't hey...I wish he would understand that struggling together with something is better than battling on your own.

    The masturbation thing is also quite hectic. He told me once, that this was what he preferred to do and at times would masturbate in the shower before coming to bed knowing that I wanted some nooki. How humiliating is that...but it all makes sense and all of its connected.The way you have just put down on the table shows us that.

    Thanks for taking the time to answer our questions! Its really helpful:-) Hope you can do it from time to time.

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  2. sorry for my spelling gaps and errors :-)

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  3. Mr. Scabs, thank you once again. I am so grateful for men out there who are willing to open up and talk about this. You personally, have helped me decide that I need to seek out help sorting out how to set boundaries that will be helpful in my marriage. Thanks for that reminder! And like Xena, I hope you can do this again in the future.

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  4. Thank you so much for your answers. I am trying to figure out some things by myself, because over here there is nothing like a certified therapist on SA. So... this will be helpful.

    If I could make a wish... it would be to see a blink of this kind of honesty on my husband.

    I am more grateful than words can express with April and you.

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  5. Just to possibly help the wives-my husband was with prositutes and he did say it was about power and control even though after he didn't have that feeling, it was a feeling he was tryin to get by going I them, and they don't say no and with a certain amount of money they did what he wanted. So although scabs does not relate to the power issue perhaps it was different for your husbands. Thanks for opening up, I hope this is not hurting Mrs, well of course it hurts; I hope it is healing pain for her. Looking forward to more answers.

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  6. Hey Mr. Scabs. Well, I am not sure how I can post asking a question, but it is really helpful to have your honesty and explain how your addiction affects you. I still struggle to accept that porn viewing/masturbation is a "disease." I suppose since my relationship disintegrated with my ex, he seems to be fine while I have been a mess for so long. He couldn't care less I am gone or what he has done. I will never know the truth from him no matter how many times I ask. what is baffling though is how he has told me numerous times that porn is horrible, that it is not okay and I should never be okay with it. Yet, he is willing to date other girls or get married to someone else. It's like what why is he telling me that but is interested in other girls? I simply assume he is trying end things with me by using his "problem" as an excuse to end it with me rather than just say he doesn't have feelings anymore. I just don't think he cares or feels guilty about viewing porn. Here I am still trying to determine or believe it really does affect a person simply b/c everyone views porn and dismisses that it is even destructive by any means.

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  7. "Some rad dude that lives in my house and raises my kids". When you know that's what she deserves and you know you just can't give it to her...... Just awful.

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hi

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