Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ask Mr. Scabs


phone


You want to talk to Mr. Scabs?  Here's your chance.  He's opening himself up for a little Q & A.

                          That's right,

Mr. Scabs
Ask Mr. Scabs.

What do you want to know?  What are you afraid to ask?
Are you curious about something?

Mr. Scabs has agreed to answer any and all of your questions.  

Just post your question below.  
Anonymous comments and questions are ok.
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Read the answers hereherehere and here

37 comments:

  1. Mr. Scabs,

    This RULES! Thank you for doing this! Another reason why I think you are to be admired! This takes GUTS!

    I'll let other's ask... but I'll be eagerly following along.

    Jacy

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  2. I haven't come up with a questions yet- but I'm sure I will.

    Hopefully this info will make good fodder for those hard conversations. (For you, but mostly for us readers.)

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  3. Do I really have to be the first one asking a question? Before I do- I am totally with Jacy, you have major guts & I truly thank you for this opportunity.

    I am a wife seeking recovery through the 12 Steps and my husband is still in denial that there is "problem" - let alone - an addiction. Our lines of communication when it comes to more than any sort of surface talk on pretty much any subject is a joke. I have lately been impressed that this addiction might be in our lives to help change this - if we'll let it. All that said ... here is my question...

    Do you have any advice as to how to open the doors of communication? I think this is essential for me to stay in this relationship. Wow. Did I just type that? I don't want him to feel like I am checking up on him everyday, or that I am trying to control him? I just have to have some open communication about this (as well as everything else). How can I help encourage him offering up information - about his addiction on a regular basis - preferably daily - just so I know he is ready to be honest with me? Or does that come when he is ready to start seeking recovery?

    Sorry for the epic.

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  4. Also - what do you personally feel is the most helpful thing a spouse can for a loved one not currently seeking recovery?

    And while we're at it - one more thing - how did you feel about April having tourettes & telling people? Did you know she was telling people or did she tell you afterward who now knew? What was your first reaction? What do you feel now about it?

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  5. I do have 2 questions:

    Does the word "power" had anything to do in the bad choices you made? Did it make you feel somekind of "I am a powerful man" rush to act on the addiction? My husband told me that being with the others made him feel like a man.Like he had control.

    Also, I dont know if this was the case on your marriage, but in mine, I tried to "lure" my husband into having sex with me (cause he would always tell me he was tired or something) and sometimes he would say that it(sex) wasnt important to him, that he preferred any way of expressing love but not the physical part of it. So the real question is... how does that work? is it because maybe sex is so horrible and dirty or whatnot that a husband with intimacy problems wants to spare his wife of all the dirt?

    I apreciate this opportunity and I´d like to apologize in case my questions dont make sense cause im from another country. I hope I typed the questions grammatically correct.

    Thank you very much for this chance.

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  6. Go Mr Scabs!! Feel free not to answer if ur feeling like its a bit personal. My husband is a recovering porn addict. His gone the whole hog into bringing fantasy into life. Since last year he says his been clean, but this is what I want to know ;

    1) he denies even thinking about porn these days. Is that possible when someone has been so deeply entrenched? I would feel more comfortable if he told me that he was struggling but seemingly over night his addiction dissapeared. What's ur take on that?

    2) what do you think the reason is that addicts will only do some heavy sexual stuff with others, but refuse to do it with their partners? My husband treated me with kid gloves. A serious Madonna complex and was shocked when I wanted to experiment and yet I saw some of the porn he was watching and my suggestions were pretty tame in comparison.

    3) what was the best thing scabs ever did, that aided ur recovery?

    Mucho gracias

    Xena

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  7. What gives you the most hope? What scares you the most?

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    Replies
    1. I think these are all really great questions! Can't wait to see what Mr Scabs comes up with.

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  8. Mr. Scabs is lying on the floor scratching the Lady dogs head...shocked and a little nervous that he's really being asked questions! He says he's up for the challenge.

    Now he's begging me to go to Home Depot! Yea!

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  9. My question is along the same lines as the last one. My husband seems to have a Madonna complex - he holds back sexually with me even though I am very interested in the same things he is. So why would he seek outside satisfaction elsewhere when he has me at home willing and eager?

    Is there something I can do to help him get past this? I know there is no easy solution, but I am open to thoughts and suggestions from a fellow recovering sex addict. Am I pushing him too far too fast? It has been over a year.

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  10. I have recently re-discovered my husband's near daily pornography habit after he has been in thearpy for a year for the same issue. He has no clue what's coming. How do I confront/approach him so he knows I just want him to be honest so we can get help? I know that relapse is a part of recovery, so I don't care that he messed up. I care that he is lying and I want him to understand the difference.

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  11. I have not personally dealt with sex addiction in a spouse, but I have several friends who have and it has broken my heart for those whose husbands chose the addiction over their family. I have also seen the powerful healing of a man and a family when the husband chose to face his choices and make new ones. That was beautiful to watch, even from the outside. But the question I continue to have, particularly for those who are like you and still profess a belief in the Savior is this: how did you think you could get away with it? Even if you had been able to deceive your wife/kids (even yourself?), did you really think you could hide it from God? Or was there a mindset that you would quit when you wanted and be done with it?

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  12. I am the last anon, posting from my phone and it cut me off...I wanted to tell both of you that I think you're courageous and lovely people. Thank you for sharin your story. I really wish you all the best and know that good things are in your future if you continue fighting for good things. Weak things are made strong. Totally amazing.

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  13. Go Mr. Scabs!!! You and April are amazing and I am SO GLAD you are a team in your marriage. Good luck, Mr. Scabs, you'll do great!!!

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  14. Dear Mr. Scabs (first, go you! you are brave and I love that you're doing this.) Talk to me about lust. Is there ever a time/place when lust is appropriate? Most especially with Mrs. Scabs. Do you feel a difference in the way you feel about her (sexually) now as opposed to when you were in the deep dark part of your addiction?

    I can't wait to start reading answers! (You're posting them, right?)

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  15. These are such great questions! Is it a bit demented and twisted that I'm kinda enjoying this? Can't wait for his responses to all of you.

    These will be published, I promise. The info is just too juicy to leave up to personal emails only, right?

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  16. if it is not to late I have a question. Does anything or has anything in your intimate life with your wife make you uncomfortable or set you thinking about the addiction? for instance in my relationship with my husband I am now nervous to share some intimate things with him that we have enjoyed in the past. Because I never would want him to think of me the way he has thought about other women. Not things I am necessarily uncomfortable with in themselves. Like dressing in lingerie or just more light hearted things in general.(We seem to only be very serious lately.) Or is it totally separate from the addiction?

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  17. I feel totally compared to the other--my body, my movements, my performance, who was better, who was best; they are he professionals right? My husband says he doesn't compare, of course you can't answer for him, but how can he/ you not compare to other experiences and what about all these years when it was happening and I didn't know he had been with someone a few hours ago, of course you/he would compare to his sexual experience earlier that day or yesterday
    While he is having another sexual encounter. Also, are thr photos of them on their sites real or is it a bait and switch? We're they beautiful, sex kittens or are they bottom of the barrel? Sorry abt typos it won't let me go back and correct in my phone, I know the difference btn were and we're!

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  18. How do you set boundaries with a addict when there is no open communication? I feel like most of the boundaries I have seen women use in their relationships require that there be communication.Boundaries are just so foreign to me. Any thoughts or suggestions.

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  19. A friend told me about this blog, and I just had to read it for myself. I think it's so great that both you and Mr.Scabs are sharing your story, and it has really helped me to open my eyes to the harmfulness of pornography and sex addiction. So again, thank you so much for your courage, strength, and bravery.

    Well my question may be a little different from everyone else's because I am not a married woman with a husband who has this problem. Instead, I'm a 17 year old girl who's parents just recently divorced because of things that I'm still not entirely sure about, other than the fact that my Dad is now about to marry another woman. After reading your blog, I began to wonder if my dad had a pornography problem. For some odd reason, I had felt like he did, but being a member of the LDS church myself, I thought that was impossible since he had served a mission, was a part of the bishopric, and raised me and my brother to love the Gospel and believe that the church was true. Today, I asked my Mom if dad ever looked at porn, and it turns out that she discovered his problem with pornography when I was just 3 years old. He could have been addicted to it long before my parents ever met, but she caught him several times after that first instance as I was growing up. It just baffles and disgusts me that he ever did such a thing. As his daughter, I feel degraded and disturbed that he would ever look at porn. He doesn't know that I know about this, and he'll probably never tell me. I'm guessing that he doesn't think it's a serious problem, or maybe he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem.

    So my question for you Mr. Scabs, is how do you feel pornography has affected your parenting? I used to think that I was such a daddy's girl, but now I feel like I can't be close to him like I was again because of what I know now. Should I ask him about his interest in porn, or just let it be? I want to think that maybe I should help him realize that it's a problem, but I don't want him to get mad at me, or make things even more awkward between us. I just want the old Dad that I knew and loved to be in my life again. Do you think his viewing of porn had anything to do with my parents divorce? I'm sure they had other problems, but could that be why he stopped loving my mom? He was also never excommunicated from the church, but he no longer goes. Should he be excommunicated? How can I help him go back to church again? He was never sexually promiscuous, or that's what he told me, but he had feelings for another woman that wasn't my mom, so is that something that could cause excommunication too? Also, with being a Mormon, how could my dad be viewing pornography and talking to another woman, yet still go to church, partake of the sacrament, go in the temple, and teach me gospel doctrine and give me advice about things in a way that follows the churches standards? He helped me to build my testimony of the church, and it breaks my heart to see him not fall away and not follow the churches standards. I just want to rebuild our relationship, but I just need help on figuring out how to love my dad when there's so much about him that I don't even know.

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    Replies
    1. oh, and it you just want to email me your answer, my email is tennisplaya12@gmail.com

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    2. whoops, I meant to say now* instead of not

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    3. Just wanted to let you know we hadn't forgotten about you. In fact, we talk about you a lot and hope you are ok. We just took a little cyber-vacation and am getting back to responding to everyone, including you. :)

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    4. Thank you! I look forward to hearing from you soon!

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  20. We read your comment this morning and our hearts sank. We have a daughter too. Shes 10 years old. I'm afraid I have made so many parenting mistakes. And I wonder if they are irreparable.

    You're question is the hardest one to answer. So, I will need to think about it. give me a few days. You've asked a lot of important questions.

    I'm sorry about your parents. I really am. You sound like a mature strong faithful young lady. The things your dad taught you are true and real. Even though he may have made other choices. We have a friend whos dad has done similar things. It might be nice to get her perspevtive too. I'll ask. Mrs scabs and I might have as many questions for you as you do for us.

    So have a good weekend and I hope to respond by monday our tuesday.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions, sorry there are so many! I'll be anxiously awaiting your answers, and will graciously answer any questions that you and Mrs.Scabs may have for me too.

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  21. Wow! I love reading this blog! I told dh the origination of the blog name and I think it made him a little nervous! LOL!

    Here is my question...I was a virgin when I got married. Not an easy thing to do :) but I believed that when I finally found 'the one' it would be worth it! I imagined sex being a little bit (and sometimes a lot) of everything...fun, exciting, meaningful, intimate, adventurous, bonding, etc., etc.

    My husband's past was not like mine. He was a recovering alcoholic/drug addict who had also lived with a girlfriend before converting to the faith we currently share (he converted several years before we met). When we married 18 years ago I believed that all of his sordid past was behind him.

    Well...it's been 2 mos since d-day for us. His SA acting out behaviours included p & mb, cybersex, phone sex, and a physical affair.

    I've read everything about SA that I can get my hands on and logically I understand the disease better than I ever wanted to :) But in my heart there is one thing that I still struggle with...

    In my heart I imagine his sexual behaviour outside our marriage must have been wonderful. The OW must have fulfilled some need of his that wasn't getting met at home. Having spent no time in 'that world' I imagine his sexual encounters as being exciting and fun. Full of happiness and the anticipation and giddyness of new 'relationships'. (He doesn't like that word...he says there was no emotional connection with any of them so it isn't accurate to call it a relationship). Either way...I feel like what I have to offer him is simple and boring...in no way, shape, or form able to compete.

    I wonder if I am just a fix for him - a fix without the guilt because we are married. He assures me that it's not the same...but what makes it different? How is it different?

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  22. I'm also a member of the LDS church, but would like to know how it all started for you. I understand you served a mission and saved yourself for marriage, but was the pornography a problem for you prior to marriage or how did it begin? Also, were both you and your wife excommunicated because you had sex during your separation?

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  23. I have found out recently of my husband sex addiction to pornography, some days I do very well with it and others I still feel lost and confused about what to do in handling the situation. Turns out it has been something he has struggled with for the past 10-15 years and he has had points in his life where he thought he had kicked it but it has always seemed to make its way back into his life. There has been a couple encounters with it before and during our marriage but nothing I thought was a serious problem, until the past few months when I started paying closer attention to what he was doing during his hour in the bathroom sometimes multiple times a day. He is not one to be open about his emotion in general so it took a several tries for me to be able to get him to open up with me about it and still am struggling finding ways to continue to be open. As well as boundaries. He knows what he's doing is wrong and I know he wants to change too but part of me still feels that he maybe he hasn't fully committed to do whatever it takes to change because he still takes his phone with him in the bathroom (which is where he acts out the most) and isn't completely open with me yet and I think he is still trying to rid of it on his own in a way, even though he has asked me for his help) He still doesn't like if I "check up" on him so any time I want to bring it up I have to be careful about how I bring it up and what I say, I don't want to be a nag or controlling in any way either and don't want him to close off from me like he has in the past. I also get confused with how serious I need to go about handling it, I agree porn is not okay in any way and know he suffers from feeling like he can't stop and being embarrassed but I feel we have calmly handled things so far for the most part that whipping out consequences and boundaries now would be difficult. But at the same time I know he is still acting out at times and have just tried to have paitence and let him figure out and see himself that it is a problem. I feel I am in a way being an enabler by not confronting him more especially when I know he has acted out but am afraid of him closing off from me and not being open at all. I also hate conflict and have been guilty of brushing it off to keep the peace. I don't know what to do?! Where do I go from here?? Outside of the addiction our relationship is wonderful and if it wasn't for my recent suspicions that lead me to find all this out I wouldn't have ever known and I think that's what makes me debt how serious it really is. He was able to and has even told me himself that he was able to "separate the two" and it wasn't affecting our relationship. Its not a straight up question I have for you to answer, but more for any insight as to what you think is going on and what I could do from here and what would help and be the most effective. He said praying and reading together is the only thing he can think of right now that will help so we have committed to doing those things everyday. Do I continue to be patient and let him try to do it on his own and not confront him even when I know that's what he's doing? Or is there something more I can do or should do without him closing off or me having to have a big freak out? I am so so grateful for yours and your wife's story and gives me so much hope! Thank you for opening yourself up to do this.

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  24. My single brother has struggled with Pornography for years. We are pretty close, and while we never talked about it frequently he had brought it up a couple of times. In our most recent (very brief) conversation about it he had mentioned it was the longest he had gone without looking at pornography in a long time. This was over a year ago. I'd like to know how he's doing, but is it totally inappropriate for me to ask? And how would I bring it up? Also, if he ever gets married, I think his wife should know about his struggles (whether past or present)? Do I talk to him?

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  25. How did you get to the point where you were willing to put it all on the line and finally give full disclosure to your wife? Based on what I have read, it took 6 months from the time it happened. I am curious how you got to that point.

    My husband and I are currently separated (it's been about 7 weeks) and he has just started working with a sponsor and attending a 12 step group. But the truth is, I still don't feel like I have ever received full disclosure, nor honest about the past 10 months when he wasn't doing anything recovery related, but says he was clean and it wasn't even a struggle. I found evidence of his continued acting out, but he is still adamant that it wasn't him and has tried to go to great lengths to disprove it. He is also one of those addicts that prefers not to have sex with me and one of my boundaries led to me taking sex off the table. So it's been over 6 months since we had sex and still he swears he has been sober and that it hasn't even been hard. I don't believe it. I don't feel honesty. I still feel manipulation and blame and minimization and lying about other things. He wants to come home and is now working with a sponsor and I can tell he is learning SOME things, but I just can't open up my heart or let him into my life without honesty. And I don't feel it. Will I feel it when it comes?

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    Replies
    1. Also, thank you both so much for sharing your story. You are my heros.

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  26. Hi MM, J and Anon,

    Working on answering these questions. I apologize, i didn't see J and Anon's questions till just now!! Give me a few days.

    Thanks

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  27. Is it appropriate for the addict to also have boundaries? If so what are your boundaries? I am mortified to think her parents may someday find out. I've been clean for just shy of a year now, but still struggle with thoughts. I don't think Satan will ever stop the thoughts from coming, but I have control over what happens when they do (second looks, fantasy). I've proposed a boundary with my wife to not share my addiction with anyone else other than those people we both agree should know about the addiction. Especially counselors, my sponsor, Bishop, and her sponsor and fellow WOPAs. Is that out of line, or should she have total control with respect to who she shares this with? I know that there are consequences, and maybe non-anonymity is a consequence.

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    1. I think it's appropriate for any human being to have boundaries. But I'll let mr scabs go into that....

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  28. Mr. Scabs,
    I'm a husband who has put his wife through hell with my own addiction. I've had this issue for nearly two decades, and have only began searching for help with in the last 3 months. I want to know if, at any time during your recovery, you felt un-trusting of your efforts. As if you were deceiving yourself. I feel something inside me lying in wait. I'm doing the 12 Step and seeing an LDS sex and marriage counselor. Ive' only just started addressing these issues, and making some progress, bit it feels like something is holding me back. Can you relate?
    Mr. B

    ReplyDelete

hi

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