Monday, May 7, 2012

Mr. Scabs


I don't feel like myself today.  Sunday night's post was difficult to write.  Summer 2011 was the worst summer in my history.   Repelling deep into those pitch-black caverns from the past is dark and consuming.  I can feel the depression and anger that I held onto all those months ago trying to regain it's terrible strength.

As hard as it is for me to write, it's even more excruciating for Mr. Scabs to read.

Most of you know, but for those that don't, Mr. Scabs and I are, against all odds, still together.

It is nothing short of a miracle.

This is a story of pure love.  Not my love.  Not the love of my husband.  Not even the love of our children, but the love from the brother who gave His life for us.

This is a story I am blessed to tell.  This story begs to be told in a raw and sometime dark tone.  I'm in awe that you're reading and that you come back and read more.  I'm in awe that you take my hand and are willing to share this journey with me.  I'm in awe that you are my friend.

And because you are my friend, I want you to know something.  In a world that believes addicts rarely heal, there is hope.  It can happen for you.  All around me I see women who have healed from hard things.  Things even harder than this.  You are resilient and happy and full of kindness.

May 4, 2012

After lunch, I push my plate to the side, resting my chin in my hands.  Mr. Scab's blue eyes are clear and deep.  When he speaks, he looks me in the eyes, not the floor.  He stops and thinks before words come from his lips.  His hands, those hands I loved and then hated and am now allowing myself to love again, reach across to hold my palm in his.  He smiles, his eyes water and lips quiver.  This is real.

Silently I watch and listen,  he tells of his enormous pain and horrible regret for his awfulness.  For the wrongs against me and our children.  For his terrible exploitation of women.  For being lost.

"I love you.  I'm so sorry for the wicked things I did.   
Sorry that I ever justified it or thought it was ok.   
It's not ok.   
I love you and I'm fighting."

                                                                                                                        -Mr. Scabs

I love you too, Mr Scabs.






22 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you. BOTH of you. It is amazing to see how much His love can accomplish and how much it can heal. I am honored to be your friend and proud to have you by my side as my mentor. Love you dearly! <3

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    1. PS...I really love that picture. You find the best images.

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    2. You are the sweetest! Mentor? Really, I'm so flattered you'd think of me that way.

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  2. All things in love to you (both) tonight!!

    (((hugs)))

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  3. This was so touching Scabs. Thank you for sharing this. After our chat on the phone the other day I hung and thought "WOW! They are really doing this... I don't know how, but they are BOTH really doing this..." I'm proud of you Scabs... very, very proud.

    Miracles DO happen. I believe that with all of my heart.

    Xo

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    1. Ya,i loved our little phone convo too! And thank you so much, you are the kindest friend.

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  4. This put me into sobs. Uncontrollable shoulder heaving sobs.

    You, and Mr. Scabs are two of the world's most remarkable people. Should anyone doubt that Jesus Christ existed they must read your story. Because no human power on its own could accomplish what both of you have accomplished in redemption and forgiveness.

    I feel genuinely blessed and honored to be witness.

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    1. Oh Jane, me too, I bawled as I wrote it. Bawled as i contemplated the last few years. I never knew of His power to heal...i was so lost until I let him in my life.

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  5. it's amazing how demanding memories to come to the surface and having to settle of specific words for those memories can evoke the strongest emotions. it's tempting not to touch them when it's sad, heavy emotion that's evoked. but you're creating a legacy by continuing to do just that.

    you can't understand why anyone reads this, i can't understand why there aren't millions more reading it.

    suerte!

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    1. Gay! I like the idea of a legasy. And your right sometimes I dont want to go to those deep places and trudge up old pain but somehow it's even more finalizing to re-live it, put a period at the end and then let it alll go. Pain is hard thing to deal with and sometimes I wasn't sure what to do with my pain...sharing it seems to give it less power over my life

      Suerte...lol!

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  6. That was beautiful!!! Very powerful, April.

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  7. You and Mr scabs give me so much hope for our future. Thank you for being an example to me and so many others trying to find healing, repentance and forgiveness.

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  8. Loved this. You write so beautifully!

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  9. There really is hope, no matter what the outcome. We can find happiness, contentment and love again. I realize everyone's path is so different. This is just my story and I'm so happy to hear that it gives some of you hope.

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  10. I love this. So so so so much. The success stories need to be shared. Not that your journey is over. But that the possibility of working through just about anything is out there. And it is real. I am so happy for you two. Happy for the clarity in his eyes that was so absent before.

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    1. i love you Mac...thanks for being my friend!

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story of hope. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone and be inspired by your story. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

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    1. Hi Bec! It's a powerful thing to see that we are not alone. I'm glad your here and that you've connected with us. Life can be hard, but we can do hard things!

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  12. Wow. gosh. lkasdfi;ae! The love is there! The desire to be together and be whole and renewed and thriving. But it's the intoxication of pain that just has layers and layers, and I absolutely hate that all of it just can't be tossed. Renewed commitment. Solid trust. And a rebirth of marriage. I'm just angry at how complex pain can be, because I KNOW you want to be with him, and I KNOW he wants to be with you. Basically, I hate the way pain corrodes our hearts and repair takes so long, BUT YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY!!

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    1. You hit on something I think about a lot. So often I'll think, "let's just start new" but you're right there are too many layers. it can't be tossed. I hate that too. So, were working on removing the layers and maybe someday as complex as this pain has been maybe our healing and ability to love can be just as complex.

      Your gift of confidence means more than you know.

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