Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Going Berserk!

credit

Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.


December, 2010

I'm in a pain induced coma.  Insanity chipping away at the ragged edges of my lucidity.

I'm so fragile.

My nervous system has completely shut down.  All my senses are numb and I can't see, hear or feel.  The electrical impulses are bouncing around my cranium, bottled up, unable to escape, frantic, but never reaching the edges of my body.


The bells are ringing and old favorite carols are playing.  The tree is up and the kids are begging me to make cookies.  Christmas is just days away.  Many friends and neighbors come to visit.  We exchange plates of goodies and I give them my best plastic smile.  I'm pretending.

He said sorry.  That it was a mistake.  That it only happened once.  We're going to therapy.  And, oddly life moves on and the trip to "the-country-that-must-not-be-named" is forgotten.

We don't think about it or talk about it.  If it's mentioned, he gets angry.

"It's over!  It's in the past."
"When are you going to get over this?"
"I should never have told you."
"At least I didn't have an affair."
"What's your problem, I said 'sorry'."

What is my problem?

Is it the lurking feeling that there's more?  Or, the unsettling new Asian "friends" on Facebook?  Or, that he hasn't been STD tested as promised?  Doesn't he know you can get STD's from a blow job?  How casually I say this, as if it is normal and part of regular life.  Somehow, flying half-way around the world for an Asian blow-job is normal.  I stay silent, afraid.

Three weeks have lapsed since the tormented nightmares that revealed my husbands cheating .
When the moon rises and the sky is darkest, I re-live my D-day.

November 27, 2010

"LIAR!"

He confesses to a strip club.  The words pulse in my chest.  I can't believe it, a strip club?!  He's in bed, pretending to sleep, ignoring me in the darkness.   Dazed, I stumble to the bathroom.  Flipping the light, astonished by it's brightness, my eyes squint in automatic response.  I stabilize myself on the wall.  Heaving and sobbing.

"A strip club?  He flew half way around the world for a strip club!?"

My skin prickles under the piping water.  A shower usually relaxes my body but tonight it agitates me!  The water drops trickle in slow motion.  My breath migrates shallowly through my lungs.  The truth is hazy.

"Guys don't just go to strip clubs to watch."  I'd heard him say it a hundred times.

In a torrent of rain I storm from the shower, hair sopping, mascara smudged and dripping, my body quaking on the ragged edges of the typhoon.  I find the words, "what else?"

"what else?"


Thirty mintues pass before he confesses to being on the recieving end of a dancers blow job.




Screaming, staggering...

                                    tripping backwards I fall flat on my back....

                                                                                              stunned,  unresponsive.

Minutes pass, but I don't know how many.  For me, time has frozen.

credit

The most terrible black, bubbly gunk is rising up from the back of my throat gagging me.  Bitter to the taste, I struggle.  Swallowing once, trying to keep it from spewing, to keep it from really happening, to keep it from being real.

But, there is no going back.

Just like last nights Chinese food and the poisoning that follows, my tongue hollows, my  throat retches spreading into full body heaves.  I vomit the most frenzied rage!!

In a split second I'm ramming my head against his chest, knocking him down, WWF style!  In un-lady-like fierceness I beat him!    Every elbow, knee and fist I own pounds into him as he curls into a fetal position, hands covering his head protecting his eyes and his nuts because he knows I will tear them out!  I want blood!!

Vile words spilling from my tongue.

I spend the night in a nervous state of awake.  Part comatose, part hemorrhaging mania.  By the next morning my eyes are crushed red from tears.  I still can't sleep.  My face is swollen from anguish.  My knuckles raw from fighting.  My skin is tepid and moist.  The sun beings to cross to the western sky and I still haven't slept.  Alone and despondent I sit on the patio, in the afternoon sun, looking at nothing.  The whites of my eyes are sticky and dry.  I haven't blinked in ages.  When the lids finally close a sting resonates into the deep wells of my eye sockets.  I become acquainted with pain.

Insanity has taken a permanent residence in my brain.

-----------------

If you feel even the slightest bit heavy after reading this post read this.  There is hope.
To read Mr. Scab's version of these events click here.

Follow the story.
Read the next entry here.


29 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, you can write Scabs! I'm on the edge of my seat to know what happens next, then on the flip side, I remember this is someone's real and honest story of what actually happened to them and I feel bad that I'm waiting here with baited breath to find out how much worse it gets . . .
    You are one strong woman!
    -HX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! This really did make me laugh out loud! Glad you're reading and glad I'm healed enough to tell it. Thanks hx!

      Delete
  3. Like many things in hindsight it is so easy to see the red flags. How many of us have heard things like

    "It's over! It's in the past."
    "When are you going to get over this?"
    "I should never have told you."
    "At least I didn't have an affair."
    "What's your problem, I said 'sorry'."

    and because we are insane we think "What IS my problem?"

    Like really? Somehow IS it my fault? Of course when we are in our right minds, or when we see it in someone else's story then we know how crazy it is.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I too heard all those same lines scab.... the EXACT same lines.... and you know for a minute there, I thought I did have a problem... that I was the one who caused the damage... that is a dangerous path... and this is why reaching out and getting help is SO crucial, because it's so easy to get sucked into their manipulations.

    Love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jane and Jacy, thank you! Those are all the words of a full-fledged addict. And would you believe, even after all that I still wasn't sure he was an addict. Maybe It wasn't a big deal, maybe it really was my problem. MANIPULATION!! It makes me sick to think I was there.

      Delete
  5. Right with Jacy- manipulation.
    I wasn't strong enough to stay. I only last three years. To this day he taunts me by calling me a coward for quitting on an eternal family, but I'm afraid that if I had stayed I would have loaded the gun just like he taught me and gotten my own vengeance. After our last conversations, he was also afraid that might happen so I think i reacted the best way possible: moved a thousand miles away and spoke only thru attorneys. The only part I relished was him begging for forgiveness and for his family back. My blood is still a little too hot-boiled Latin for second chances. Maybe I'm wrong. At least I didn't kill him right then and there right??

    You're amazing. You inspire me. I'm rooting for you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You were strong enough to leave! No matter what decision we make I really think it takes major courage. Having been on the verge of staying or going I think it takes serious strength to pack up, drive away and not pull the trigger on that gun. I had all kinds of murderous thoughts too...but that's another post. :)

      Funny that he begged to have you back. I love to hear that kind of stuff. The ugly path they choose is never worth it, it just leads to loads of unhappiness and loss. It's like that hate themselves so much that they're on self-destruct auto-pilot!

      Delete
  6. Oh, this sounds soooooooo familiar. It's like reading your experience in finding the truth mirrors my own reaction. And I like what you said about becoming acquainted with pain. It's true and it's a long road to healing. I'm glad that you've been talking to Jacy because that girl knows it too. We both think you should kick him to the curb, but of course that will only be your choice, and I know it's a deeply personal one. I just hate to see you or any woman in this phase of betrayal. It's horrible and I feel deeply for you. I'm here if you need me. Truly. Let's lean on each other OK? You have a email? Can I call you sometime?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course you can call or email, it's up there ^

      This is why I tell this story because as horrible as it is,I'm not the only one. So many of us feel this same pain and same insanity. We're not alone.

      Delete
  7. Oh my gosh, that was the worst! The trickle truth of it all. I just wanted to shake my husband and scream "tell me all of the truth once and for all instead of ME finding out on my own, don't you see you're slowly killing me inside??" Finally, I flipped out, I had a meltdown of epic proportions after hearing those all to familiar lines that I knew were lies and I flipped. It took him four days...four long days, but I got all of the heart breaking truth.

    What no one told me was how scared he'd still be to tell me when he was on the verge of a slip then relapse...after almost a year and a half. That's hard to process, but, thankfully, I've learned a lot in that time and can cope a lot better mentally now than I did back then.

    Another well written piece April =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elsie, seems like I'm always a step or two behind you. Hope you don't mind forging the path for me but your insights are invaluable. You're kinda my SA hero. A success story in the making.

      I know you're in the middle of it but I'd love to hear more about his fear and your processing his relapse. Where does the fear come from? Do you feel like you're back at square one? or further along?

      you know i love ya!

      Delete
  8. Trickle truth sucks big time. I sometimes think that this does more damage than their actual disloyalty. Scabs, so much of what you have said I and everyone identifies with- and I particularly resonant with your sentence about becoming aquinted with pain...nothing prepares you for this kind of absolute grief and horror. It turns the most gentle person into a tornado and can steal the voice of most aggressive...you just never truly know how you will react when something like this happens:-(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. trickle truth...it's the worst. Just hit me once with the reality instead of slapping me over and over with these part-truths, right?

      You're right, nothing prepares you for this kind of pain...I went crazy!

      Delete
  9. i too am so glad you are in a place where you can share this. because it teaches us so much about this life experience. not just about relishing in the drama, but about you. how this broken girl didn't crumble. how you didn't surrender life to an absolutely crappy situation.
    there's something magical- and therefore inspiring- about realizing the strength within you as we read the story backwards.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that kinda reads wrong- as if relishing is positive. i mean there's a lot more intrigue to your story than just the drama. it's the magic that transpires because of the drama. maybe that clarifies?!

      Delete
    2. Your comment was perfect! I get you. Pain is an interesting thing. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I mean, this kind of pain seems like such a waste, it's so undeserved and so unfair. Just like so many in life experience undeserved pain. But like you say, there is magic. Because of the pain there is magic and a metamorphosis. A change I never would have made. And in a twisted way, am thankful this pain came my direction.

      Is that demented? lol!

      Delete
  10. Oh dear April, how I love you! I wish I could have taken some of the pain you bore. It's painful to read even. Keep telling your side.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi... I'm so glad you're here! and that you're using my pseudo-name! Honestly, at this phase in the game I was so numb. But now, I can't tell you how much your endless support means. You're fierce friendship and loyalty to both me and mr scabs is amazing. You're the best friend I could have. Love you too!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Maybe we should meet...my betrayal is all too similar.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. of course! i'd love to meet. There's nothing like meeting someone who has been where you have been. Send me an email and lets connect.

      Delete
  13. So familiar. I've heard all those lines, too and had the major meltdowns of anger and wanting to attack him. It makes you into someone you're not and seriously makes you question yourself and your actions. Thanks for sharing. It's always a nice reminder that I'm not crazy when I see otehrs going through teh same thing and reacting so similarly.

    ReplyDelete
  14. And that is the reason I write. I try to tell my story as close to real as possible. We are not alone in our crazy feelings. And I will no longer be silent.

    ReplyDelete
  15. YOUR DESCRIPTION WAS SO VIVID:)) i am so relieved i am not alone...
    Betrayal,confession,then:First is just horror and ice cold shock,the disbelief and a feeling of hysteria,a panic and more horror.Everything turns to ash,it becomes grey and frail, unable to withstand even the wind.Everything looks the same every cup every book,yet nothing feels familiar anymore.All of it is different and i am not the me i used to know ,i don't know this me.Sick of feeling so sick,so tired.Wave after wave after wave of emotional pains keep rolling in and washing over me,i am stuck on this reef bleeding and gasping for air,fighting to survive .My own mind ,my very thoughts are against me,they have taken the opposing side,searing pain is my only friend,this brutal companion in this darkest hour.My hands shake and they are cold and wet from sweat.Time has slowed down for me,it has almost suspended and is dragging on and dragging me through this abyss ever so slowly.Is this what it feels like to hurtle through space?why am i being forced to savour this very bitter pill,vile tasting ,nauseating making me very sick.Gutted.shattered.shocked.Frightened.sick.Sick sick.Tense.Another wave ,more tears,more pain an ocean of tears and pain.There is nowhere to go, nowhere to hide,to feel better.All i can do is bleed from this wound,bleed out my pain,my fear,bleed out my hopes ,my dreams,my confidence,bleed out my sense of reality,my beliefs.In the mirror a pale face stares back at me,she is a ghost, her face is grey and her eyes are hollow,drained of life,of love.Another confession....as i listen my heart is beating madly , the horror of what i hear is raping my mind over and over again.I do not want to feel this.I do not want to be me.i hate being me.I feel dirty,stupid,ugly,i wish i could dissolve into nothing.Shame burns in me,i just want to hide,i cannot face anyone,the mere thought of someone present to comfort me is terrifying,so ugly is this wretched state i want no witness to it.My marriage is a perversion of truth,of love, a perverted,sick ,twisted lie and i am part of it,it is part of me.Humiliation.At night i sleep and dream, i am begging for his love, his devotion,she is there,she is in my head and resides comfortably taking up all the space.In the dream he was torn between me and her.When i wake,and the realisation seeps in through the fogginess that the dream is just that ,a dream and reality has already come to pass ,he has already chosen and it is done,the feelings of hope give way to desperation,confusion and always more shock.Hopelessness.

    ReplyDelete
  16. my husband decided on the staggered approach,^this was after finding out about the affair,a couple of days later he decided to say about hookers and one night stands,porn,masterbation~ i was stunned,floored,absolutely destroyed!!!!!!!! i sent him this to show him how i felt...who knows if they can comprehend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're description is perfect. If after reading this, he still can't see/feel what you're going through then he is truly just blocking it out. empathy is the key word here,isn't it?

      I think the comprehension comes slowly. But it can come. Mr Scabs has aha moments where he feels the terribleness of what has happened and the far reaching consequences and pain he's caused.

      how are you now?

      Delete
  17. hi April,how am i now? lets see it's 2 weeks post d-day,he has taken the kids out for the day so i am alone at home,i am grateful for that,i know he wants to fix it all and he is doing his best,really he is,i am lucky in that he confessed everything out of the blue,i had NO CLUE,literally nothing(unbelievable! it still stuns me that i suspected zero)his reason was that he loves me so much he wants our marriage to be pure and truthful,lol i may have a miracle man here BUT ALWAYS A GIANT HUGE UGLY TAKING OVER REASON BUTT!i am still feeling the ugly of what he has done,it reaches deep into my soul and is brutally chopping away in there hacking myself worth and all stuff i held sacred and treasured ,to bits.I am trying to get up and do some housework and today i will prepare myself some healthy food.i feel lost so lost...he is doing well,on prozac,no doubt it must feel better to have all that secrecy off his chest but i feel like he has cut this cancer out of himself and planted it in me.The mental images are harsh~WOW,not cool.H e is seeing a therapist on wednesday and it's going to cost us plenty,more then i care to pay but i know without it ,the door for disaster stands wide open,if one thing is clear i have learnt that the guy i thought was my rock can go insanely off the rails,lol so i have taken the reigns financially and am trying to haul my ass off the floor to start moving forward.UGH i feel pathetic,the other girls have such horror stories,even yours,you are amazing,so full of light.I have always had heartache and misery in my life ,a sad and neglected childhood made sure of that but i have worked damn hard to build myself some kind of life worth living,even immigrated to australia,so i know i can be strong but this sucks,sucks bad.I have seen ugly but it is hard to look at the man you love and feel so disgusted,betrayed and shocked. SORRY FOR THE LONG POST. thanks for your blog it is a light for me in this blacker then black darkness,you have no idea what a relief it feels like to be able to read someone elses experience~ i actually laughed out loud when i read the line of " descending into a steaming pit of hookers,only coming up for air and a sandwhich" it was the first breath of pure air i've had in two weeks!!!!!:)) t

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't mind the long posts. That's what Eat My Scabs is here for...say whatever you want and then leave it here on the page.

      2 weeks!!!! I can't believe it. I was still in a state of comatose.

      I can relate to everything you're saying here. either I've felt it or I am feeling it. The emotions this kind of betrayal brings up are unreal. Some call it a roller-coaster but I felt like it was skydiving into Dante's Inferno.

      Sounds like you are doing the right things to take care of yourself. and you are strong. there is no doubt. YOu've proven you can build your life no matter what others choose to do.

      Sometimes we just have to laugh! and I'm glad you could. :)

      Delete

hi

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
 

Template by Best Web Hosting