Thursday, May 31, 2012

I Need a DeLorean

Aimee Mullins, born without fibulea she grew up to create record-breaking cheetah legs! 
We are capable of so much greatness.  I am in love with her story because I think it's a lot like mine.

Follow the story. 
Read the previous entry here.

*Trigger warning.  This was my darkest moment.  Read with caution.
** Note to Mr. Scabs, I know this one hurts.  Sorry.

November 2010

You wake up anxious with your heart pounding and in those first moments of lucidity your brain tells you it's all been a terrible dream.  That's when your hand reaches up to rub your eyes as they focus in the dim morning bedroom light.  Your fingers scratch lazily at your neck and shoulder, then stretching high in the sky your left arm reaches for your right arm but grasps at nothing but air.  Again, confused you yawn and reach your left arm intending to clasp fingers with your right and do a morning stretch.  Still, you grasp nothing but air!  Fear strikes you, the tightening in your chest, the lump in your throat, the rhythm of your heart speeds, the sickening in your stomach turns and your eyes widen.  Racing thoughts hint that your dream wasn't a dream.  Your eyes turn toward your right shoulder, gasping your left hand clenches the stump of wounded flesh were you arm was attached.  Your arm has been cut off, severed, removed from your wholeness.

There's no turning back.  You can't regrow an arm or sew it back on, a prosthetic is just that, prosthetic.  It's gone, your life forever changed.  You will adapt.  You have no other choice.

March 2011

Mr. Scabs would ask me what he could do.  What could he do to fix this living nightmare?  Shaking, with consuming pain I would scream,

 "build me a time machine!" 

Decisions had been made, conscience had been ignored, rules of marriage had been thrown out, lies had been told and retold.  There is no way to fix it.  I want a DeLorean.  I want to travel back like Marty and Doc to some event altering time in the past.  A place where I can make this all disapear.  Clenching my eyes, I hold my breath.

A heavy black fog fills my heart.  I walk daily with lurid feelings of betrayal, depression and loneliness.  I eat nothing and then I eat a whole bag of Oreo's and then I eat nothing again.  Days pass before I wash my hair or take a shower.  Flat and shallow, my eyes stare out the window.  My brain, my self-purpose and self-love know his addiction does not reflect me but my heart can't feel the truth in that statement.

His lies and sticky darkness have jumped ship and spread across the once clear ocean waters crushing me.  Like a bird drenched in oil spill slick, unable to fly and unable to escape.

I wished I were dead. 

My bright-eyed children skip into the room.  I watch them in slow motion.  Their laughing and giggling turns to teasing and then hurt feelings.  My daughter reaches down for her brother, holding him close.  Her bright eyes now regretful, she's sorry.  I witness the clarity and genuine feeling of a simple apology.  And just like that they are up and playing again.

I struggle for life.  I struggle to feel.  Numbess is a new state of normal.  Flattly, I stare out the window.  Life is still moving, even renewing.  It's spring but I am dead inside, whithering, like the darkest coldest day of winter.

And then, something shifts.  The dark longing for death shifts focus.  I'm no longer the target.  The long boney fingers of death reach for my spouse. 

I wish he were dead. 

Hit by a bus, suffocated in an earthquake, eaten by disease, anything that would free me of him.  I felt ambushed.  My heart and mind slipped into labrinth of darkness wishing death on the man I called my husband.  The women who went ballistic and shot their husbands to pieces or cut off their penisis in the middle of the night were not so far from who i had become.  

My sanity was fragmented.  My mind ill and diseased for never-ending lies and betrayal.  My neurosis had reached it's peak.  The only way through this hell was the death of one of us.  Divorce would eat away and erode our children. If we stayed together I would decompose into nothing.  Death would be hard to get over but it could be done.  In my darkest, most cheerless morbid moments, remembering all the times he screwed me over, I wished death upon him.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you sa
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know"

May 30, 2012

In case you are worried, he is still alive and so am I. 

If this is your first time reading and you need a pick-me-up after such a dark post, read about Mr. Scabs remorse here, or here.  Or if you need to get away from sex addiction all together check out one of my favorites Tomboy Style or be sure to read Aimee Mullins story.


  1. You know, it's interesting that you said that about the trigger warning. I don't find myself experiencing triggers much. Pete's indiscretions were/are relatively minor, and occurred so gradually that there wasn't a single extremely traumatic event or time period.

    Yet I DISTINCTLY remember moments where I wished with all my might that we could go back in time, that he could choose differently, that those images and memories wouldn't FOREVER be a part of him. OH how I wanted to turn back time, say "just kidding" and let's try again.

    That is one of the most painful parts, its true, like you said, nothing can change it. What is done is done.

    "There's no turning back. Its gone, your life forever changed."

    1. Sometimes I couldnt grasp that this was it. This was really. He really did those things. This was real. Is that called denial?

  2. Its always felt weird to think it, but ur right. I would prefer him dead rather than what his done. It would he easier to live with that instead of the corpse of a man I used to know...

    1. I always wonder what time it is over there in south africa. Lol! Anyway, I guess it feels weird cause these thoughts are so morbid and unnatural. They are horrible, sick thoughts and if anything had happened I'm sure I would regret every single thought I had! I had to be honest here. I remember being so embarrassed to tell my sponsor about these thoughts. She reassured me that after such trauma, its petty normal.

  3. I agree that those thoughts are pretty normal. It is part of the grieving process to be in denial and wish things had never happened o rwould go away. Grieving a marriage or the loss of the person you thought you had married or the relationship you thought you had is a pretty big deal. Marriages aren't supposed to be th source of so much pain.

  4. Thanks ladies. I thought that was something wrong with me, to have such a terrible thought. But its like the ugliness of it all brings out the worst in us and our pain searches for something...anything to make it go away. We look and look and somehow in our desperate state fantasizing about death almost helps. Ours or theirs, it doesn't matter...but scabs your right. Its should remain as thoughts as reality would be so much more devastating and we shouldn't get the two confused. That's where are partners went wrong in the first place hey...

    P.s the time at this very minute is 8.30pm :-) I think we're opposite time zones

  5. This is an awesome track!

    My husband is going to try and recreate tomorrow what last Saturday should have been and as much as I want to believe him, all its going to do is remind me how dismal last week was and that he failed the polygraph. I wish he would just leave it alone. I hope I don't cry in public :-(

  6. Random comments-My husband refuses to take a polygraph, All the women in my support group wished death had happened instead of the betrayal. I am so sad and so broken and cannot heal. I still watch my children with a forced smile while my insides are shredded. I went from losing weight and unable to eat to binge eating, NEVER did either before D-day.

    1. I remember feeling so alone and so angry. What an unfair turn of events in our lives!!! In the strangest most miraculous way, I have found happiness among all this. And although I may have wished him dead, I found a way past the anger and bitterness. I still work on it every day and sometimes it's easy and other times it's insanely hard! But there is progress and i know you can find it too.

  7. Incredible. I have felt all those dark feelings... Triggers are my worst nightmare but on occasion they spring up on me, sometimes I handle them well. Sometimes I don't. I am past the zombie stage but every once in a while the only thing I can do is go through the motions. You are so strong. I can't believe how strong you are. I need more strength like yours!

    1. I know you're strong too! I have no doubt that you are strong and have been strong while going through your crap. We just take it each day, right? I can't take any credit for the strength. I could never carry myself through this hell.

  8. Sometimes when I wake up I have this sense that something is wrong. I can't place what it is and then as I slowly wake up, reality comes rushing in. It's sad to prefer a dream to reality.
    I've also wished, and wished, and wished to go back in time. I don't want to anymore. The growth we've had as a couple now trumps whatever idealistic times we used to have before addiction struck.
    I'm so glad to know you also are healing and finding hope. You are a trail blazer. Thanks for sharing -- your story is remarkable.

    1. Let's build a time machine! What year would you go back to? Ha!

  9. i often thought I needed a time machine too, or hypnosis so at least I could remember any of it like they do...
    working my way through your blog from beginning to end... so much alike, but so different, thanks for sharing.

  10. Thank you for saying this. You are so brave. I thought I was the only one who wished for death.

  11. My husband did die.
    The guy that I fell in love with, chose to have a child with, and adored?
    Yeah, he's dead.
    His perverted sex addicted twin murdered him.



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