Wednesday, April 18, 2012

His Perspective...Part 1

sex addiction, lies and how mr scabs told the truth
lost my photo credit...oops!





Preface
Mr. Scabs and I have worked together to write this post.  
Although I form the sentences, many of these words are his own.     Trying to capture raw honesty from the past.
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April 2011

The wheels are burning, riding the slopes down from the mountains and back home.  I'm driving fast.  Love the all-wheel drive on this Subaru!  I'm in control.  Bending into the twists and turns of the pavement.

My wife's steaming in the seat next to me.  Demanding I slow down.  She never trusts me.  Not even my driving and I'm the best driver I know.  The kids are snoring in the back seat and the hot breath of my dogs fog the rear window.  Even the dogs piss her off!  Camping this weekend with our friends was a bust.  I yelled. She yelled.  It's so frustrating.  Everything blows up!  Geez, what's her fetching problem?

But, I know her problem.

5 months ago I confessed about my exotic mini-vacation overseas and how I'd possibly gone to a dance club and had a few drinks and then maybe I got a blow job from one of the dancers, once.  I deserve it.

Of course, none of that is the truth, but it's enough to get her off my back.

Anyway, how am i supposed to get with her when she hates me?  There's no love, we're empty, abandoned. She hates me.  I can't touch her.  She doesn't smile.  We don't laugh.   If she won't give me love I've got to find it somewhere. I'm so alone.

Driving in cold silence, the road flattens, descending from the mountains into the valley where we live.  Our mood flattens too.  The hot steamy anger we felt earlier has vaporized.  Putting the argument behind us, we decide to go home, clean up and take our kids out to eat.

Yet something happens between cleaning up and going out.  It's confusing and almost hypnotic.  I hear the office door click shut.  My heart stops.  There she is, standing next to my desk, her eyes clear and perceptive.  As if she can see through my camouflage.  Straight past my dual life.  She can see what i refuse to acknowledge.

My wife, my friend, the woman I choose, the woman I love asks one question,

"Have there been other women?"

I don't know how, but I'm broken.  Hit with a heavy ax, I split like a dry log.  Splinters flying in every direction.  The pressure of secrets bulging at my seams, crushing the valves in my heart, choking the flow of my blood.  Pain threatening to dispose of me as my eyes ache, dry and itchy.  Oxygen strangles, struggling in the shrinking passage of my throat and I can't swallow.  I can't breathe.  There's no way I can tell the truth.  No way.

Five years earlier I spied from the safety of my truck.  Parked a few spaces away from the OK Massage parlor, I watched a man. He's a regular guy.  A regular husband who drives a regular sedan, a family car, he's walking toward the red "OPEN" sign hanging in the tinted windows of the parlor.  I ate my sandwich and made a few phone calls while I waited.  Nothing was unusual about his face as he left his happy ending.  Opening his regular looking car door and driving home to his regular life.

Another time, I was the regular man with the regular car.  Entering the parlor was like being in the lobby of a low-end dentist.  There are cheap plastic chairs and regular office magazines covering the tables.  The tinted sliding glass window opens and an Asian woman asks if she could help.

"How much for a massage?"

She answers. I said ok and left.

Other times, I'd go in and the woman behind the glass would lead me to a back room where I would pay full price.  But, it isn't that bad.  That's not the real me.  That part of my life doesn't exist.  Unknown and hidden from eyes and ears.  I can't feel it.  I'm not that man.

Again, she asks,
"Have there been other women?"

The nitty-gritty truth.  I'm frozen.  The truth makes me look bad. The truth means I'd have to see myself.  I can't.  She hates me and the truth would destroy everything.  My eyes glazing, I hear the impatience in her voice.  I could lie again. If she doesn't know maybe she could believe I'm not that bad of a guy.  Maybe she could love me.

Like a primal reflex the words spew from my mouth spilling like water into sand.  Endless.  Submerging into her conscience.  Soaking her with my betrayal.

"There have been other women."

An awful silence, a blackout.

She turns and grabs the car keys.  The roar of the engine fades away and she disappears.

Numbness takes hold of my body spreading from my fractured mind and my leperous heart.  Wandering as a shadow of myself.  I don't know what to do.  A sudden stabbing pain as I feel for my children.  What have I done?!!  It's over.  My life extinguishing with every breath.

I'm a broken man, laying open.  Diseased puss frothing from my chest.  Exposed. I'm an outcast, marooned in my own hell.

sex addiction, lies and how mr scabs told the truth
Photo Credit

35 comments:

  1. wow! I think we always wish we knew what they were thinking and feeling! You have inspired me to ask a couple of questions myself!

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    1. Ya this was difficult to write. He sat with me a few nights ago and struggled to remember that day. His d-day the day he lost everything. He feels afraid and almost wouldn't let me push the publish button, but here he is, published on the internet!!! i told him that so many of us don't know how our men feel, we don't understand the addicts condition. So this is his story, his real feelings, his exposure, just written by me.

      Ask your questions and find the truth.

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  2. Yet again Scabs, you take my breath away with your words. Really.

    Interesting to hear from their perspective... or something like it... interesting that we are able to *feel* a little bit of sorrow and heartbreak for them... because it is so twisted and disgusting and WRONG, that you can't help but feel a tad bit sorry for the men that they have *indeed* become. They refuse to see it.. because they can't recognize it... and that is what is so scary... When I told my ex that he was "a liar" he said "i didn't lie to you Jacy, you didn't ask if I was sleeping around..." HUH???? It's so screwed up... their thinking is so flawed and erred... I feel so bad for them... truly I do... to be in such denial must be a terrible, terrible way to live.

    and yet, their actions and choices obliterate so many others... it's just devastating. Your post took me to some raw places tonight... I'm trembling... I'm sorry you are living in this personal hell Scabs... but It will improve... little by little...

    XOXO

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  3. You're still up! lol!

    My husband said the the same thing to me, i'm not a liar. i didn't lie. It sure got old fast having to ask the right questions to get the truth. Playing their game of denial. And it's crazy how their addicted minds lie to themselves, validating every sick action. But how else would you live with such an opposing duality?

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    1. and rest assured Jacy, this isn't my personal hell...it's his.

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    2. Oh my! It must have been late when I read this! I thought you were writing from what you thought his perspective would be.... I am SO SORRY! Now I feel like a loser writing the comment I did... WOW!

      Okay, so thank you Mr. Scabs for sharing this with us.... what a brave and noble thing for you both to do....

      All my love....

      Jacy

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  4. You are so wonderfully strong. That was a very brave thing for you both to do. Him to share his thoughts, I can't help but be a little proud of him for doing that. And like Jacy feel Sad and Sorry for him that he let himself get to the point he did. It is amazing to me that A man can Say "my wife and children are the most important things in my life." Then feel their life's with this disgusting behavior. And then turn and blame the people that are "The most important things in there life's" messed up I tell ya!

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  5. I love reading your posts. Lies of omission can be worse.

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  6. Please thank your husband for all of us. There is something therapeutic in hearing the men's perspective. As much as we don't want to hear specifics from our husbands, at the same time we just ache for them to be honest with us. This kind of honesty. The kind that includes what in the world is going on in their heads. Thanks for sharing, Scabs.

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  7. Good morning ladies!

    He has anxiously read every word you've all written and appreciates your thanks. This is completely out of his comfort zone!

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    1. Except mine... lol... I didn't know they were actually his words... :-/ and that he'd be reading them... I am soooooo embarrassed!

      But, I offer my thanks too... and I'm so sorry for the pain you are both enduring... it is NOT easy, for either party...

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    2. Awww Jac! Don't feel badly, really. Your comment was wonderful as always. You didn't say anything wrong at all. You speak the truth and you understand the pain.

      Anyway, he's been a silent stalker of this blog since the beginning and I've said some pretty harsh things. There is something very definitive about seeing your life in print. Suddenly its all black and white. Both of us have experienced healing because of your comments and conversations here.

      And honestly, he's pretty good at openly accepting his flaws and destructive past. That's why he agreed to let me tell his perspective.

      You're the best...he's read every comment on this blog and he feels your pains and respects each one of you. So don't let that hold you back from saying what you want here. We're all safe.

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    3. Oh, I wish my husband read my blog. I've told him he is welcome to, but 1) he doesn't really read blogs, and 2) I think the thought of it might make him uncomfortable. I say some things on there that I'm too timid to say in real life (or worried it will lead to an uncomfortable two-sided silent treatment for a day), but I would love for him to know how I feel.

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  8. He is very, very brave for doing this. He should consider doing an anonymous blog to help others.

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  9. love your writing! always anticipating a new post!

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  10. Perfect questions Kami. Obviously I've asked all these same things and we've had these discussions and I think he'd be willing to share. Maybe, he'll even make an annonymous comment! lol...

    Mr. Scabs! They wanna hear from you!

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  11. You're awesome and you inspire others. I just love visting you!

    xoxo

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  12. I have not ever known anyone else whose husband went to massage parlors. Mine did too. I want to die most days.

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    1. Anonymous- I can't totally relate to you like April can (and I'm sure she will) but just know that there is hope. Those of us dealing with this addiction are here for you.

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    2. thanks Jane, your always one of the first to offer love. You put tears in my eyes. Sometimes I'm so so lost at how awfully painful this is for all of us. Thank you for being here.

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    3. Oh god, anonymous. We are here for you. I know firsthand what kind of pain you feel. Hang in there. The world needs you and your voice.

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    4. To Anonymous--I too never met anyone elses husband who went to massage parlours or looked for sex on Craig's list, the feeling is that of being all alone, ashamed, embaressed of such disgusting behavior, but it's their behavior not our's..they are the one's with the problem unable to truely love someone how sad for them...It is nice to find these blogs as I don't feel so alone in my feelings of trauma.

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    5. Hi bridget. Glad you're here and u found us. this garbage can be so isolating. You're right, sometime I think how tragic this is for my spouse. He had everything in the world that he needed for happiness but still couldnt feel love. Instead he turned to self-destruction. Its sad. You've really got to hate yourself to do something so ugly.

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    6. And bridget, read ' salute to my brave friend' to meet another wife who's husband had frequented parlors. There are more of us than should be.

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  13. I read your comment and my heart dropped! I know this feeling your talking about.

    The pain is unreal and the wounds are absolutely festering, it's mortifying! Their actions crossed over into the ugly abuse of women, the passing of disease, the betrayal of you, his innocent wife. This is a terrible bridge to cross. i'm aching for you.

    When/how did you find out? Email me. I'm dying to talk with you and hear more.

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    1. Yes Anon... email ANY OF US! Scabs, Nora and I specifically know how horrific and brutal the pains of actual infidelity are....and how mind boggling and terrifying and shocking it can be- especially when it's not a traditional affair, but weird and incomprehensible stuff....

      Thinking of you ALL! THIS IS NOT EASY!

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  14. April- as soon as I published my comment to Anonymous I saw yours come up. I knew you'd reach out. You're awesome.

    Now about the post. I seriously think that the experience you and your husband had writing this post is amazing. On so many levels. It speaks so much to the progress you've made in communication and REAL honesty. Not to mention vulnerability and his true humility. Combine that with your moving style of writing and it was powerful.

    I feel like I'm getting so much better and reconciling the fact that good people can compartmentalize horrific behaviors. I recently listened to a podcast of This American Life called "Act V". It is about criminals performing Hamlet in prison. It was eye-opening for sure and further convinced me that individuals(particularly men) can totally seperate their morality from some other evil existence. It doesn't justify their behavior by any means, but it helps me to understand it. I think ultimately some men realize that this is a psychological issue and seek help to recover, while others just gradually allow the two worlds to merge together until they feel hopelessly lost.

    Wow, lots of random thougths this morning...

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    1. not random at all! I love all that you just wrote. you touch on a fascinating point...My husbands duality is so difficult to accept. So often I've screamed in his face, "YOU DON'T DO THIS TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE!!!!! YOUR CHILDREN!!!! YOU'RE WIFE!!!"

      It's all in complete exasperation that I scream these words! But they fell on a deaf heart for so long. Their duality seems all encompassing and something I can't seem to relate to but you are right. It is a complete psychological separation. Not because they are evil and wish to destroy those they love.

      There's peace in understanding. Thanks Jane. You're awesome!

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  15. P.S. Ditto on the word verification. I don't care if robots want to comment.

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  16. What I think is remarkable is the fact that you are able to work through this together because heaven knows it's not easy, especially to the degree that you're experiencing. I think that is amazing.

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  17. Wow I am completely drawn/amazed by this blog and especially this post. I am a new reader and I can't stop reading, you have inspired me. It takes me back to when I was a little child (about seven) and trying to think why my dad was looking at naked women on the computer. I remember telling my mom and wondering why was she crying because in my mind it didn't seem wrong.... I had seen my brother naked countless times before. Now looking back on my life and my dad being a sex addict I blame him for the abuse my brother caused me. Reading this in his point of view has helped and maybe what my dad was thinking when our life came crashing down. I am just grateful for the gospel and the hope it brings me in my life and forgiveness is so hard. But I just wanted to let you know what an inspiring people you are. Thanks so much for writing out your story and thanks Mr. Scabs I know this was hard but thanks for sharing your point of view it has made it a little clearer.

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    1. Oh anonymous, my heart reaches out to you! You were just a little child. Its readers like u, who were children affected by addiction, that really breaks my heart. You see, my daughter was 8 when mr scabs secret life came to light. That is my greatest pain from all this. That I couldn't shield her. Id love to hear more of your story. Email me if u want

      Love scabs

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    2. Okay, maybe I'm jumping the gun....but....your daughter was 8? And you are LDS? How do you deal with that? My husband confessed a month ago. My son was baptized 6 months ago....and I have another son that is currently scheduled to be baptized in about 10 months. How do you deal with it? Was she baptized before D-day? If so, did you doubt the ordinance? Or was she scheduled for afterwards?? And if so, did you allow him to perform it? I have so many questions and so many fears. I don't know where to go for answers...I don't know if there are answers. I seem to be typing the phrase "I don't know" quite a bit lately.

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    3. Hi Cassara! Yes she was 8, yes, I'm LDS and it was difficult to deal with. It was the same for us, 6 months after her baptism I began to discover the horror. But the more I prayed and learned I realized, his worthiness or lack of doesn't take away from my daughters decision and commitment. It stinks for him. I also felt some compassion because I know what it feels like to be so lost in something that is so shameful you feel like lying. The consequences of his choices are his own. They have nothing to do with her. And so, I let it go. surrendered. There are lots of things to surrender. There is a lot that we "don't know". I doubted the ordinance for about half a second becaue when I saw the sweetness in my daughters face I knew that her part was honored. "we believe that man will be punished for their own sins and not for adams transgressions" seems to apply here. xo you can do this and you will find your own answers.
      As far as letting him perform ordinances, I've let that be between mr. scabs and whoever he sees fit to talk about it. These things are his life and his decisions. Hopefully he will be honest. You can always decide for yourself and your son that you'd like someone else to do it. These are some of the choices and decisions you have. What do you think?

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