Friday, April 27, 2012

Have you heard this lie before?


Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.

July 2011

Abruptly there was change.  It was a tangible change, the sweet wind had switched directions and heavy dark winds began to blow.  I knew the honeymoon was over.

The last three weeks were a gift.  Our second honeymoon.  His vulnerability is what made the difference, he was finally human again.  When the addiction of sex and porn take over it leaves a mean, ugly carcass of a human being.  My husband was beginning to find his soul.  We were healing!

The second honeymoon was filled with bonding, lots of sex, deep passion, love and rediscovering each others bodies just like our first honeymoon.  Our guards were down.  The hardened walls that existed before were gone.  It was sweet.

Eight months had passed since I'd begun to know his awful secrets.  Three months had passed since I demanded he moved out of the house.  Three weeks had passed since his full disclosure and excommunication from our church.  Twenty-four hours had passed since I knew something had drastically changed.

This is where I learned to trust my gut.  My heart always tells the truth but my mind explains it away. I had done this a million and one times.  But not anymore.

Ten minutes had passed since my heart told me he was lying. The black lies were seeping into our conversations.  The vulnerability was gone.  The bonding had turned to disconnect.

Two seconds passed before I ask the right questions.  I pounced, ready to draw blood.  Prepared for battle.

Three hours passed until the lies were filtered and the truth was told.  Like water pouring into a sieve, no matter how frantically you tell lies, they never stick. The truth involved porn and gambling.

Have you heard this lie before?  "If we had more sex, better sex, I wouldn't need pornography."
He didn't say it now but I had heard it before.

My mind heard, "you could have done something to stop this".  If only I had added the right amount of adventure with a pinch of seductiveness and a whole handful of the right kind of blow jobs.  If only my body were barbie proportions and if I were Asian.  If only I had stroked his ego and maintained the house in perfect condition.  Then I'd have the exact concoction for marital bliss and eternal happiness!

My mind wanders to the memories of finding pornography in our home for the first time.  Why didn't I fight harder?  Why did I allow it to continue?  Why did I believe the lies of, "every guy does it"?  If only I had demanded it to stop, then things would be different...

Again, my guilty mind takes me to memories of going back to work.  The sexual attention and flirting with men at work was more than I was getting at home.  When the flirting escalated and Mr. Scabs was royally jealous and angry.  Why did I allow myself to flirt with other men?  If only I hadn't made that mistake.  If only I hadn't shaken his trust in my fidelity, then things would be different...

Guilt shifting from me to him and back again.  We're a sinking dingy on a white-caped sea.  No hope.

The post-honeymoon lies taught me with vivid clarity that his addiction had nothing to do with me.  Nothing.

Maybe it was a marital-experiment.  Our life before was the control, the norm, the standard.  Setting up the experiment, I gave him everything, this was the independent variable.  The results were clear and I didn't need any repeat trials.  No matter how much sex or how awesome our life was he still couldn't find happiness. His compass had been demolished and he was collateral damage in a war far bigger than our marriage.  He was debris shifting in dark heavy winds.

I had read Step One a million times:  Accept the truth and reality that we are powerless over our loved ones addiction.

I am powerless over his addiction.


  1. That is probably the very hardest thing to come to terms with, That we have no POWER over our Husbands addiction. No power to make it go away.
    Most important no POWER to cause it!can you tell I am still talking myself into understanding this.
    "Still couldn't find happiness" this explain the mind set of an addict so well. Not happy in their wonderfully normal life, and not Happy when they are using. They are not capable of Finding it aren't they? And it has nothing to do with us.
    Thank you April, you have made me think this morning. I think I need to rework step one.

    1. step one was such a difficult concept for me to grasp. Because Im all powerful in my life! lol! I have the ability to change and move and create and why not this too? It was a BIG lesson in humility for me.

  2. My husband never actually said any of those things to me, but he implied them. It was almost worse, the way he manipulated the conversations about his addiction back to my shortcomings in the intimacy department. It was so subtle it was much more deceptive. I think he knew that if he threw the blame straight in my face I'd never buy it.

    I'm not even sure he realized he was doing it because in the beginning I think he truly believed the lie.

    1. so true. I believe they really brainwash their own minds into believing its someone elses fault. Its an awful place to be, being manipulated and blamed for something so terrible and so clearly not your issue.

      and for sure, you are too sharp and smart to have been told that to your face!

    2. I've heard enough women talk about this that I've finally decided it's not them brainwashing their own minds. There is ONE source of the lies. The adversary is able to take over as they lose agency by having addiction twist their brains. I'm pretty sure they don't realize they are doing it.

      I've seen it in women who have lived with abusers, too. There is one author. One. In a sense, the men are victims, too, because they lose control, lose agency, lose the ability to feel compassion, to see clearly.

      The consistency of the insanity blows me away. I had one woman who was dealing with abuse and after having a friend go through it, I just started asking her "Does he do _________ and ________ ?" And she looked at me and say, "How did you know?" Because it's predictable. Whether addicted to prn or to anger or whatever, the patterns are so, so similar.

  3. this is a huge realization. wow. It is the paradox of the universe that we gain the greatest power when we finally KNOW that we are powerless as mere mortals. This is one part of the "change of heart' we read about in the scriptures. And I had to've commented on mine. :)

    1. I didn't like the word "powerless" at first. It felt diminishing. And in the face of such and enormous difficulty i refused to be powerless. Then humility starts to take root and you see that your power and even your very breath comes from the great Father who created us! it was a huge realization for me.

      Glad you're here.

  4. Your post really hit me hard. It is exactly what my husband would say. I also saw the problem and somehow allowed it to continue for years before I found the strength to take a stand. Because they try to make it seem like it's about you - that you are not enough. That if something was different in you then they would be better or more faithful. It's total crap. And I see that now. I didn't cause the addiction. And I can't control it.

  5. I heard it all before as well... It is still taking me a long time to know that things he did were out of my control. This is beautiful. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes for you and for every woman who has suffered through something like this.

    1. I'm so sorry to hear that you've also heard all these dumb lies. Thanks Ruby. I'm so glad you're here and hope to hear more about your story!



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