Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Revenge Sex

eatmyscabs.blogspot revenge sex
Screenshot from 1929 film, The Letter

Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.


Revenge sex.  Seems like a possible good idea.  Revenge of any kind seems like a good idea.  I deserve some kind of delicious revenge.

I've gone mental, berserk!  My vision is blurry and clouded with seething anger.  Still in denial...could this really be him?  This guy?  I just can't get over it.

When I see his face I think, "No, not my husband.  This can't be real."

I see his hands and I think, "Those hands that I loved.  Those hands that built my home.  Those hands that cradled my babies.  Those hands that caressed my body.  I HATE THOSE HANDS!  He touched all those girls with his hands.  They were MY hands!"

The sight of his skanky mitts reels me into hysterical fits!

@!%&*#@#$%!!!!

How many nights did I lay in our bed, ignored, crying.  Wishing those hands would touch my body, exciting my skin, building my flesh, hot and torrid.  I wish his hands would spend lazy moments feeling my femininity craving my soft skin.  Why couldn't I be his sex addiction?  That all seems lost.  Now, I can see why our sex life was dis-passionate and grey.

It wasn't always him.  Babies and stress affected my sexuality.  When I tried, he didn't want to talk about it. Being monogamous and creating a tender and passionate sex life isn't easy.  For me, nothing effected our closeness and intimacy more than his use of pornography. I hate it.

Pornography takes the beauty out of being woman.  Robs us of our sensuality and confidence between the sheets.   Steals love and respect from the man we care about.  For me, I grew a serious aversion to my husband.  He was filthy.  Pornography turns men and women into ugly empty shells...far from the purpose of being a couple.  There is a profoundness and depth to a monogamous relationship, to a love that is more than just self-serving orgasm.

I know this isn't a popular opinion.  I'm always jarred by how many women I meet who say, "What's the problem, it's just porn.?"  This idea might be old school, pre-feminist, pre-bra burning.  I believe in real love without bleached sphincters and comically disproportionate implants.  I love my real body and I want to share with a man who values a deep full-bodied connection.  Not the concocted lies of glassy "perfection".  Be real.

I know there are women out there who agree, who say, "porn is a problem."  It's not a victim-less habit.

As much as I long for that touch, for that comfort I can't. It is for all the reasons above that I simply cannot open my legs for revenge sex.

19 comments:

  1. I used to be one of those woman who thought "It's just porn." I actually watched porn with my first husband every once in awhile to spice things up. I got dressed up and had all sorts of fun in the bedroom. That was what attracted D to me in the first place...then he fell in love with me and he didn't expect that. He didn't know how to react so he went the other direction and shut down. No more sex - for a YEAR!! He turned to porn instead and then his addiction went bananas and got a hold on him like nobody's business. He was a sneaky dude too, good at hiding it (aren't they all?).

    Now, I'm in the "it's just not porn" camp.

    I wanted to have revenge sex after DDay too. I told him as much. I told him I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. He deserved to feel that pain and more. But, I was better than he was, I told him so, I wouldn't sink to his level. Plus, I decided to give him a year to see if he would really get sober or not...again, my situation is much different.

    If you want to go get laid - go get laid!!

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    1. I should add to that - it may make you cry though....it's pretty intense...sex after disclosure...

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    2. Me too. I think for awhile I lost myself and believed his lies that porn was ok. Now I see how it destroyed our trust and love for each other. As for revenge sex...the thought of it really just repulsed me. And youre right, ius more just the idea of inflicting pain on them. Maybe I could pay a dozen asian gigilos. Nawww...I don't want to be that perso

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    3. I understand getting lost right along with them. I'm working up the courage to do a post on my biggest shame. It's hard for me. I was able to present it during my first step but cried the whole time and glossed over it. I really need to dig in there and open up that wound....so I can rid myself of the shame.

      Hmmm, a dozen asian gigilos...to bad they're so expensive! LOL

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    4. I hear ya! We all have mistakes and shame. I hope to get past that too

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  2. I think this is my favorite post so far. I loved the line "Robs us of our sensuality and confidence between the sheets."

    That's exactly how I feel and it feels good for me to hear you say it is how you feel too.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Jane. I feel so emotional and weepy today. Suffering the loss of our intimacy is so overwhelming.

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  3. Okay April... You can WRITE! You write so well! I am intrigued by every sentence type. You go girl!

    That aside, NOOOOO on the revenge sex. I know you know this but MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY... ALWAYS! No matter what! You don't ever want to look back and think you did anything less than keeping your head held high in the most challenging time of your life.

    I, too, would look at his hands and feel the urge to vomit. I never saw his penis after discovery day and honestly I canNOT imagine how that would have been for me. I assume my mind would have exploded! I wouldn't have been able to emotionally, mentally, or physically handle it. Really. I remember one night I was picking his zits (gross I know, I'm a picker!) but it was the closest I had been to him in MONTHS. I asked if I could look at his back... when he stood up and untucked his shirt and began to pull the cloth over his head, the moment I saw his flesh, I triggered. I LOST it. Suddenly I imagined everything I knew... where he had been... mind movies ran rampantly through my brain. I jumped up and bolted into the kitchen, throwing my head into the sink. I dry-heaved a few times and then I sobbed.

    I too wished I could have been his sex addiction... why wasn't I enough? And this is the problem with porn because sooner or later, nothing is enough anymore. It's gets sicker and sicker and weirder and weirder.

    Wishing you lots of strength tonight April. I can hear your pain and my heart is just sick for you. I wish I could take it away... I wish I could give you some magical advice that will make it disappear. And while I know this word is annoying as hell, but the one word that you need to remember is TIME. Time will be your best friend. Whatever you decide time will help ease your pain, I promise.

    Love you. I think if you often.

    Jacy

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "Now, I can see why our sex life was dis-passionate and grey."

      for years... and then it dwindled into nothing........and I didn't WANT to have sex with him.

      he wasn't sexy. but again, now I know why. its about him. its about how he felt as a man. These men have a severe intimacy disorder. All of them, at the very least.

      I envy women who still WANT their husbands. But, after I found the first bit of bad news, the cyber sex back in 2006, I too didn't want to have him touch me, and yet, I would often cry myself to sleep that I didn't have anyone to touch me.

      I did not have "revenge sex."

      I just realized that I longed for some fucking attention?!? and I got it. Oh, I got it alright and then I didn't.

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    2. Jacy hit it spot on. Pickers, unite! Vomiting while looking at hands, TOTALLY! Yes, I did it too. Losing something so precious because of lies and deceit and selfishness feels so incredibly violating. I remember screaming in my car late at night for hours, literally, because it hurt so bad.

      Time is your best friend. I am so grateful how DIFFERENT I feel after letting time pass.

      Sending you strength--

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  4. K, April--Just read your entire blog. It's AWESOME. I can relate to so many of your feelings and angers and the wearing of sweatpants, etc. LOVE IT. Thanks for opening yourself up.
    xoxo

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  5. oh my god. it's like you put into beautiful words what I've been feeling.
    I told my husband his porn use humiliated me, he didn't understand.

    Once my husband was home and I was at work. He called me to say he was taking a nap so we could hang out the night. Later that evening we were talking about things, joking and laughing. For whatever reason the subject of masturbation came up, I asked him when's the last time he had "ahem". He laughed and said, "after I got off the phone with you" I teased him and laughed but honestly, that made me feel good.
    A couple months later, when I found out about his porn use that moment popped into my head. I sat next to him, feeling proud, feeling like his hearing my voice over a telephone line talking about having alone time that night filled him with such desire that he couldn't control hiimself.
    But really, all that happened was that I put him in the mood to go seek out hotter girls, who talked in little girl voices, and love everything that's done to them.
    That's humiliating.

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    1. right? It is humiliating. And they don't see it. Mr Scabs didn't see it for years and now he's just beginning to see what his flippant attitude has caused. It never settled well with me---even before I knew it was a problem--when I said that porn hurt me and I didn't like him looking at it, he'd shrug his shoulders and tell me every guy does it and i should get over it. I thought, if he told me that i was doing something that hurt him, I would stop. No reciprocal courtesy.

      im sorry, that is so sad. Makes you feel totally awesome and like fulfilling his ever wish in the bedroom, doesn't it?

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  6. Thank you for expressing the pain of porn addiction. For years I voiced my misery that he would stay up all night on the internet, mostly with porn. He derided me, challenged me and simply refused to stop. As it continued, my contempt for him grew and his anger with me (for trying to "control" him) grew. It was a vicious cycle. I didn't feel loved and sex was just a thing to do when it suited HIM. After the affair was discovered, he admitted that it was because he wanted "living" porn. It turns out that he had been going to strip clubs, buying porn and masturbating frequently (with the aid of cialis and my prescription insurance) until the affair started. Since discovery,he has completely stopped all porn use (we mutually threw away his secret porn stash) and he is fully committed to reconciliation. Again, thank you for giving voice to our shared pain.

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    1. What a story! Thanks for sharing. I was just talking with a friend who's husband is in that oh-so-difficult phase of not accepting responsibility for his actions. He's throwing every excuse in the book at her. She can't help but feel like it might be her fault. It's a terrible thing and she doesn't know what to do.

      Thanks for sharing your hope.

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  7. Revenge sex is so enticing isn't it?
    Sometimes i think I won't feel better till I can look in my husband's eyes and see the same pain I feel shining from his heart. I mean, when I tell him how sad and hurt I am he says sweet caring things to me, but really, he's standing there watching me cry and collapse, he gets to stand up straight and be secure in knowing how much I love and need him. He may even tear up for me out of pity, but it's not the same thing at all.
    I look at him sometimes, sitting on the couch with the kids. I imagine calling him into the bedroom, telling him I'd shared my body with someone else, had an orgasm while looking into someone else's eyes. Telling him it had nothing to do with him, that i just wanted a release. Saying, "oh, don't be insecure, it was just sex, my heart still belongs to you. And you looked tired I didn't want to bother you"

    I also imagine punching him in the face.

    It's a pretty sure thing I'll never do either.

    I look at it like this, If he kicked my dog, and made me angry, so I kick his dog to make him equally angry, well, now we're both dog kickers, and it's the same dog so now it's doubly injured and going to have a harder time to heal.

    But, yeah I'd like to make him cry.
    By the way April, you are awesome everything you say is spot on. You are so brave I am in awe. I've gone through most of your blog and I consider you a friend. lol
    Stay classy.
    lindsay

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    1. Hello friend! and yes, revenge sex is so, so, so enticing! But you're right, how many times do you have to kick a dog before your feel better?

      The thing is, I know that I am ok. Hurt, yeah. But really, I'm ok. It's when I look at him and I realize how entirely broken he is that I know he isn't ok. Even as he gets to stand up straight and act secure, it's not true. He is a shell of a human being. That's the real pain.

      BTW, what a bunch of baloney excuses he fed you. Excuses drive me bananas!

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  8. "Pornography takes the beauty out of being a woman." So profound! So true! In so many ways. It takes the beauty out of being a woman as the spouse of one who views it. It takes the beauty out of being a woman of the woman who views it. It takes the beauty out of being a woman of the women who DO it. It is a horrible robber of femininity and of beauty. I hate it. As an addict, I hate it. As an ex-spouse of a a man whose affairs led to divorce, I hate it.

    Thank you for sharing this story. I've been glued to my laptop following your story from the beginning. I still have more to read! I appreciate your honesty and your wisdom.

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