Monday, March 19, 2012

Kicked to the curb...part 2
photo credit

Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.

April 2011

He looks different.   His face looks vulnerable and soft.  Is that sorrow I see in his eyes?  Or does he just miss the comforts of his home?

He calls and comes by almost everyday.  I'm surprised.  I thought he would dive headfirst into a steamy pit of hookers only coming up for air and the occasional pb&j sandwich.  This is his chance to be free.  Go do whatever he wants.  Instead he's here.  I doesn't bother me and it benefits the kids.  If I tell him "no" he respects me and doesn't come over.  I still enjoy the peace of his absence.

He's talking to me.  He cries and begs and says how sorry and stupid he is.  I like this. It feels good to be apologized to and to feel his remorse.  Is it genuine?  I doubt it.  It sucks to get caught at doing something so horrific.  He might be mostly sorry he got caught.  It's his Hell. One of these conversations was the "Eat My Scab" conversation, read it here.

They say, and addict needs pain.  They need to hit bottom.  This was once a man I respected and loved and naturally out of compassion I would soften those blows.  Now, I sit, watch and listen, offering no comfort, no safe landing.

Taking advantage of his vulnerability I ask all the unanswered questions.  Who? Why? When? How?  All the gory details of his fall to disgraced double-timing cheater.  He wrote out a list and timeline.  It's a harsh reality to face; the depth of his duality, but there is also a calming feeling to this transparency.  I've found that my mind is a tad bit pervy and imaginative.  I seem to take everything to extremes and my mind plagues me.  The truth of the details put a stop to the ever expanding hallucinations in my mind.

Realizing your spouse has major issues with fidelity and sex open all sorts of ugly doors.  My mind made the jump from hookers and prostitutes to child molester.  I interrogated and dug until I was satisfied that he'd never indulged in child porn or sex with underage women.  The idea paralyzed me.  Following through I opened conversations with my daughter and her friends about touching.  I pray they'd feel safe confiding in me.


  1. I did the same thing, I suffered with mind movies terribly for awhile. I ended up conducting a formal sit down interview with him against my counselors advice and got the nitty gritty details of the affairs. I eventually created an Excel spreadsheet with the information I knew just to keep it all straight in my head because I just had too much floating around in there and I kept getting jumbled and confused. The mind movies stopped and although I created more trauma for myself in some areas, I know I also put closure, a period on some of the affairs...if that makes sense?

    It was the not knowing that was killing me too.

    I'm glad you spoke to your daughters and let them know you are there for them. Keeping those lines open are so crucial.

    1. Love your writing "Scabby." lol This is my take on what you are experiencing. First of all, a big part of the acting out is pulling one over on the little misses. Not that he's doing it to hurt you, but as you said, its the fear factor that he might get caught, but arrogantly believes that he never will. This is universally true. Now that the pussy's out of the bag... well... its just not so enticing any more. (for now) And then again, he might still be on the prowl. My predator was, but he's the snake of all snakes. (another story)

      Is he sincere-- with his "remorse?" Well does a mosquito feel badly when he sucks your blood? The point is, does he even HAVE the capability to be sincere-- to be truly remorseful? To empathize or is it fake empathy. Something he read in a book or saw in a movie.

      L's husband is truly working hard at recovery, so let's leave him out of the mix. He was not at it as long as some and truly does not want to be THAT man any longer, but I believe that he is in the minority.

      If a spouse is recovering to keep his marriage/family/home intact, then nope. That is not REAL recovery, IMO. Real recovery is working on becoming a totally different person, whether or not he is still married to you. And that takes a tremendous amount of strength, which if he had it in the first place, would not have gone down the path he did. So, its a kind of a catch 22.

      Some DO stop for a time, and then they go back to it. And some never even stop but find more clever ways to hide it. (ugh. the worst)

      whatever. You sound great and like you are doing super well. I love your attitude and strength of character.

      xo ~ L

    2. EXACTLY! How do you hide the hideous person you had become for years and then when you're caught you're suddenly better. HMMMM. Of course, how silly of me. He's been to a few 12- step meetings taken a sappy inventory of what he may have done and waaa-laaa he's CURED!!! And is the truth ever really the truth with these guys? no.

      No sir, you have a very serious case of self-inflicted diabetes and if you don't take you medicine every day for the rest of your life you're appendages will die and they will have to be cut off. Some appendages are more important than others.

      At this point, I am certain he doesn't poses the depth to feel true remorse.

  2. If you have a second, read the story of Rhyll and Steven Croshaw (google them, or you can find their story in our index, linked below). Her husband dealt with a serious sex addiction for decades. He was at the point of hiring prostitutes as well, living that double life.

    I have no idea if your husband will reach the point of true remorse, but it IS possible to get there, one step at a time. I hope you will listen to their story and read Rhyll's experiences on their site, on her blog, and on the forum.

    In a sense, your husband is a victim, too, in the sense that pornography and sex addictions are diseases that take the life and light out of their victims. They lose agency and personality and ability to think and feel. The honesty is a good first step. Only time will tell if he'll take more steps toward full recovery.

    But regardless, I hope you will keep working your recovery. If you haven't had the chance, I hope you will read the stories of other women who have found recovery. We're building an index of such stories here.

    One thing that sticks out to me is your last sentence. You are right that right now he doesn't possess the ability to feel the depth of emotions that you would expect, because his brain has been fried with years of pornography use and sexually acting out. Rhyll recently shared data that it takes at least a good 12-18 months of solid recovery for a brain to find healing from such addiction. And it takes at least that long to really start to feel empathy, etc. It's all a long process, but it is possible.

    But I hope you'll be able to find your own healing. I've seen it happen with other women, and they come out stronger. I'd never wish this on anyone, but I have a lot of hope given all that I've seen and heard from women who are walking this path. You aren't alone!

    1. I've been reading every word! Thanks for pointing me in that direction. Other's stories are full of inspiration and strenght.

      Thank you

  3. Kudos for facing the child molester question. It's the most horrible feeling in the world that this is where this shit has brought you. I did it too and I'm glad I did. I think it helped him to understand how fucked up the situation was...



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