Thursday, March 15, 2012

Kicked to the curb...part 1

eatmyscabs.blogspot.com
Thanks MLK

Follow the story.
Read the previous entry here.


April 2011

He's gone.  It's weird how someone you love is all of a sudden someone you don't love.  Cutting him out gave me freedom.

And, it's weird how all the acidic dark feelings kinda left with him.  Or are they just masked by the high of my take charge attitude?  Who cares!  I feel good and there's a break in the storm.  I can breathe.  He had 24 hours to leave.  When I pulled into the driveway after work he peeled out. What a statement!  I had to laugh!!  He was mad at me.

I'm mowing the lawn myself, fixing the broken kitchen cupboard, taking my kids to school, working, budgeting and buying groceries and paying the bills, talking with friends and family, attending PASG (12-step) and going to yoga and therapy.  I feel so much love and support. The only thing I resent about him not being here is that he picks up the dog poo.  But even that feels kinda great.  Like I own this place!  I own my life and I don't mind cleaning up my dog's crap! Then the realization hits me...he had been so controlling and I had allowed it.  Oppressive. errrrrrg.

Those first few weeks he just stayed away.  Apparently, he'd found refuge and an extra room that didn't cost much.  He literally had no where to go.  No friends.  No family.  No girls. (I'm sure hookers charge extra for multiple overnighters.)  He had no one.  I kinda felt sad for him. Pathetic really.  A 35 year old man with not a soul in the world to help him out.  In fact, he ended up staying in the spare room of a guy that works for him.

I saw something I'd never seen before...he had no idea how to build a meaning relationship with anyone.  Looking back at us, I saw how hollow it was.  No depth.

6 comments:

  1. How much do I love you? I love the way you write!

    I remember feeling this way- exactly.

    Enjoy this break in the storm and all the feelings of empowerment that will accompany it! Learn from it and grow! But it's also important that you prepare yourself for the roller coaster ride from hell! You'll feel every emotion you ever thought possible... AND MORE and they will come very unexpectedly.

    April, where do you live? I'd love to connect!!

    Keep going and enjoy picking up the dog poop ;) LIBERATION!

    XOXO

    Jacy

    Jacy

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  2. I loved this post! I relate to it wholeheartedly. And I'm a pooper scooper too! haha! In fact I picked up over a 100 piles in my football field backyard yesterday. Accumulated during the winter by my enormous man eating beast...120 lbs and some change. :) Anyway, lawn mowing season is definitely upon us and it's tough to try to fit it in with my fulltime job and kids. But, we gots to do what we gots to do right?? Anyway, I love your blog and am excited to get to know you better!

    ReplyDelete
  3. btw, anonymous is me bubble girl...

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  4. I had a much different reaction for the most part. I felt like someone had amputated one of my legs and I couldn't stop crying. But I did go out and by an Xmas tree the next day. (I'm Jewish--sorta).

    He's back right now. I'm better with him here, for the next year or so. But I'm not better married to him. I'm trying to make a living and felt stretched too thinly.

    His leaving hi-lighted all the things that were wrong with our life-- and then his mom died three weeks ago. I couldn't go up for the funeral and it really sucked.

    Your strength is so inspiring!

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  5. Jacy--you're awesome! look at you, healthy, happy, beautiful, starting over...
    Thanks for all the love! It's such a relief to have people who understand.

    I'll send you an email, don't know if I publicly want to announce where i live.

    Bubblegirl! this is what i say about the lawn--it doesn't need to be perfect. I'll mow every 3 weeks and sometimes just the front yard. the backyard is a jungle with some poop-mines that explode on contact!

    And you, sweet Lexie. How do we process the fallout of emotions that's surrounding us? Sometimes it's like drowning. And then the death of a beloved mother. I'm sorry.

    Do you guys talk? What's it like to live with him again after all that's happened between you?

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  6. April,

    You possess such amazing strength and courage. I'm glad you're enjoying your freedom and you were able to get away from your SA husband. Also great to see you have a support group and family and friends around you. As Jacy said, it's a roller coaster ride from hell. For me it lasted several long months.

    Take care!

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hi

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