Monday, March 26, 2012

An ugly bed-mate

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Read the previous entry here.


I woke with an ugly bed-mate.

He wasn't there when I closed my eyes and pushed off peacefully into dreamland.
During the night he snuck into my room, cozying up next to me and I felt his unmistakable gnarled hands as the sunrise peeked through my windows.  Before I had a chance to breathe Rage had hijacked me.

The unanswered questions and intolerable pain come flooding back.  Torturing my core.

Hunched over the bathroom sink gagging.  His lies making me physically ill.

I cannot possibly fathom how someone can feel so entitled, so indulgent.  We all make mistakes, I get that.  No one is born knowing all things, I get that.  But at some point during all your mistakes and wrong turns don't you say to yourself, "This is wrong.  I'm destroying life.  I need to make changes today.  I need to salvage those I love."

I've made mistakes.  Big mistakes.  I've hurt those I love.  And I remember my moments of lucidity.  The times I knew I needed to change things immediately!  The path I was on was dangerous and could destroy those I love.  I made difficult changes because I love them.

I cannot understand this level of deception, of disregard for those you love.  Addiction and compulsive behavior are lost to me.  I haven't been able to grasp the loss of freedom that comes with such a serious illness.  How can one lose control over their actions?

So many of us muffle screams of "WHHHYYYYY???!!!" into our clenched fists, empty cars and bitten pillows!  Seems this questions can never be satisfied.

Even in the midst of my relationship with Rage I can see that my husband is sick.  He's a sad, lonely, broken version of himself.  Is he lost in some very deep self-loathing?  Playing poker with self-destruction?  Is his mind and heart truly so black and lost that he cannot see us?

This is where I release Rage as my companion and take up friendship with Compassion.

12 comments:

  1. Great metaphor, beautifully written. When it was me, I just couldn't shake the knowledge deep down that my husband was more than this addiction, these bad choices. So I believed in him...and after many years I learned to believe in him without shaming him for those choices...and then our healing really took off. Keep going!

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    1. You're right Wendy, yes, he's more than what he appears. And it's strange how a little knowledge of how sick this person really truly is creates a little peace within the storm. Thanks for your encouragement!

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  2. Wow. That's a powerful transition.

    I've been watching so many people affected by this (via my site and the forum) that it sometimes just weighs on my heart. But I think you hit on one of the keys to healing -- really understanding what a disease addiction is. Of course, you can't fully compare it to something like diabetes, because diabetes doesn't usually lead to such diabolical behavior. But I recently read something that said something like "being angry with someone not just getting over their addiction is like being angry at someone who can't just get over their diabetes." The point obviously being that when addiction does take over, they are as unable to fix this brain disease without serious help as someone with a chronic disease is to fix their body without help.

    I hope it's ok if I share some this link to consolidated resources on this topic, in case some of your readers might be interested. I recently compiled the links about addiction as a brain disease and how pornography really is like a drug where people lose agency/control over their ability to think and make good choices (again not without serious commitment to recovery and being dedicated to getting help).

    wendy, your comment is really powerful, too.

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    1. Thanks for your link and knowledge and info, it's always appreciated. I'm new at this. Healing seems so foreign in the midst of betrayals, addiction and lies but once in awhile I get a gimps that it's real.

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  3. This was awesome. Thanks so much for bringing so much clarity and honesty to this issue. It is SO common, and the more voices that share their experience, the better we will succeed in bringing light to the darkness.

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    1. Here! Here! Let's not hide from this anymore!

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    2. I believe that we are, for the most part, collateral damage. I know that my husband didn't even THINK to consider me, his kids, his future, or anything. He just shut down. That is not addiction. That is not a disease. That is a loser. Sorry guys, but even though we call it an addiction, I do not feel sorry for my husband and it is NOT the same as having diabetes. Diabetes is not within anyone's control. Sex addicts are sick, yes, but they DO have a CHOICE! My husband knew what he was doing. And he knew it was wrong, but he didn't want to acknowledge that it was wrong for him. He didn't want to get help and why? Because he was afraid, he said. (this was before I had my 2nd big D-day last August) He even said that he loathed that kind of behavior in OTHER MEN! hypocrite!

      go figure.

      And yes, he loathes himself. He's depressed. He's an underachiever. He's an unkempt slob much of the time. So sexy, isn't it?

      Sex addiction is not about sex. Its about hiding from oneself; not facing life head on. Its an escape. Its not real, and its very dangerous.

      Its not the life for me. I wish my husband well...but not with me. I've had more than enough of his loserdom, now.

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    3. Somehow your frankness always gets me laughing cause I've felt all these feelings too!!! ...loosedom!! lol

      And I think you hit it on the head when you say it's an escape. What I can't seem to see is an escape from what? Seriously what's that awful in his life that he can't face it? And I was always at his side, saying " whats wrong? lets fix this? we can do this together."

      No one lives a charmed life. We all have crap. Why does he hide from it? I had no idea he was avoiding things so deeply. From my point of view it looks like he's weak and scared. Scared of reality.

      And all I ever asked was for him to be REAL. Just be REAL.

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  4. so intense. reminds me of my brother. the powerlessness and the rage that you direct at the person... then you have to remind yourself that you're not mad at the person but the sickness... but if actions define a person like so many say then what do you do?? ahh!
    i love this. so poignant.

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  5. Ayley--That's just it, I don't know what to do. I feel a little lost and torn by my own duality of feelings. It's an intense roller-coaster. Sounds like you might have been through it with your brother. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. whoa, this is such a loaded blog. i can't even handle it! i've never been closely affected by porn (even though just the thought of it makes my blood boil!) but i have been closely affected by addiction. i lost a brother to a drug overdose, and lost a few others to drug abuse, even though they are still alive, they are drug zombies. they aren't the boys i grew up with. i believe that initially their lack of love from parental figures and the shame projected onto them from my dad caused an inner decay, lacking any self worth. then when addiction sets in, the person you knew to begin with is not the same person at all. like an over-watered cactus, they just turn to mush from the inside out. it's tragic. thanks so much for sharing this blog. i hope you keep healing through this experience of this blog. pain creates writers. but you are an extra gifted writer. please keep sharing.

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  7. i know. it's ridiculously heavy. But you, loosing a brother?! I can't imagine the pain. and looking into the eyes of those you love when they're empty. addiction is a killer no matter how you look at it. The image of the over-watered cactus is spot on. Thanks for your encouragement and for stopping by.

    This stuff is hard to share and put out there. And sometimes I'm completely afraid to push that publish button, but I know there are so many of us out there silently struggling with this addiction. Both men and women.

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