Monday, April 14, 2014

fire my spirit


Camp Scabs Island Park

I love this picture!

Throughout time women have always gathered.  We gathered in our tribes, families and circles.  We worked together, supported and healed each other.  It's been the natural way of things.  

Camp has organically evolved into something like this.  
Something that threads and connects us to each other, mending our broken hearts.  I really love it!  Thank you for giving me the chance.


Island Park was the last camp of the season.  I'll be resting, swimming, working on myself and making homemade popsicles for the summer.  Camps will resume in the early fall with an Arizona, possible SoCal and I'd love to bring one up to the lovely city of Seattle.  
Dates to be announced.

xoxo

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

in the weeds

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Mr. Scabs always laughs and says, "what does that even mean?"

But, ya know, I'm in the weeds!  There's a pile of work I'm wading through like emails that need responding, "be brave" necklace orders that need sent and other bits and pieces that fall into the life of being "Scabs".  The truth is, I probably won't do an ounce of it until this weekends Camp Scabs is tucked away and put to bed.

Plus summer is almost here and I am dying to do nothing.  Hot temps, swimming pools, hammocks, salted limeade are my fav.

For so long, I felt abandoned, alone.  Watching resources and help and support unfold right in front of us is a literal answer to those nights and days we ate oreos and screamed for help into our pillows (that counts as a prayer).  There are a few things coming up that I'd love to pass along to y'all.

SA Lifeline Conference in SLC May 10 --- I've met the couple that runs this; it's an inspiring story and Rhyll is so classy!  Read about the details here from my friend Alicia.

Coalition to End Exploitation Summit in our nations capital Washington DC May 16-17 ---Looks phenomenal and I'd love to met Shelly Lubben!  What an amazing woman.

Addo Recovery, who has given us so much needs our help!  They are raising funds to update and improve their FREE online betrayal trauma class for women. Click here to pay it forward and then share their message everywhere.

Togetherness Project Phoenix April 26 --- What a great lineup!  Including my therapist, Mariylin Tenney.  GO MARILYN!  She's a lady who's been through it too.

Anything else?




xoxo,
Scabs


THIS JUST IN 

....beep beep be be beep....




Just as I pushed "publish" an email came in from ADDO outlining a new online training series for advisors.

Online Training Series for Advisors Friday April 18 at 1pm
Register now because in true ADDO fashion, it's free!

This is literally another answer to our pillow biting prayers.  All those that support us {pastors, bishops, parents, stake presidents, counselors, BFFs, sponsors, family members, even ourselves because we do a lot of supporting each other... pretty much anyone in our circles} can get free education and real life tools to be more effective.  Isn't this what we have been asking for?  

 Each month a different topic will be covered:

April: Understanding and assessing the addiction 
May: Betrayal Trauma and support for the spouse/partner
June: Tying it together, talking about relationships and working with couples

More details from ADDO and how to register below.

------------------------

We're excited to announce the beginning of a new online webinar training series focused on understanding pornography and sexual addiction and its impact on individuals, relationships, teens, and families. Trainings will be held once a month, being conducted by Dr. Kevin Skinner, Addo Recovery's Clinical Director and author of best selling addiction recovery book Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools For Recovery.

The first of these online trainings will be held on Friday, April 18th at 1pm MSTDuring this training we will take an in-depth look at working with and advising someone who is struggling with pornography or sexual addiction. Specifically we will be discussing: 

1. What questions should you be asking
2. What are the signs of addiction 
3. Do they need more than you can give 
4. When and where can you send them for proper help 
5. What should the expectations be for recovery 

The training will also include time for Q&A. If you have specific questions that you would like Dr. Skinner to address during the training please submit them to AdvisorSupport@AddoRecovery.com.

The training will be recorded, so if you're unable to participate live the presentation will be available online for playback. If you would like to receive a link to the recorded presentation please register. 

If there are others who you feel would benefit from this training please forward this message along to them. 

To register for the training please visit: 
https://attendee.gotowebinar.com/register/2621716564807684610.


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Monday, March 24, 2014

Underground Relief Society

Underground Relief Society

Many, many years ago, when women wore bonnets and ruffley petticoats and the west was mostly unexplored, there was a group of women with an idea.  The idea wasn't new or innovative.  It was an idea that many other generations of women had put into action before.  It was a simple idea. But don't let the simplicity fool you.  The idea was also powerful!

The idea sprang into action, as most ideas do, from a need.

It all began with one woman speaking to another woman.  She had noticed that her neighbors needed clothing, bedding and soap and meals and friendship.  The two women decided they could sew a few things.  The invitation spread to other women with bonnets and a sewing club was born.

But, these women in bonnets were more than a sewing club.  Throughout time, women have always been great givers. These women were no less great as they organized themselves to give charity, strengthen their community and offer relief to the poor.

They called themselves the Relief Society.
Today there are over 5.5 million members in 170 countries.
Their motto 'Charity Never Faileth'.

Sometimes the relief we need isn't as obvious as the need for a new pair of shoes.  Like when were struggling with our husbands infidelity, lying, relapsing, divorce or whatever else the wind may bring.  Not everyone can see that you are hurting and need relief.  Sometimes, even our best friends don't know.  Or, we may not want to tell anyone.  After all, it is humiliating and alienating and then we find ourselves alone and sad and unsure of ourselves.  Maybe we find ourselves {underground}.

Do you know someone like this?  A neighbor? A friend? A someone you barely know?
Can you spot the signs: empty bags of oreos littering the house, drawn shades, avoiding your phone calls, dirty sweatpants, a pile of mostly burned boxer briefs in the fire-pit?

A small group of local friends and I noticed some of these signs in our neighbors.  And so, we reached out. Flowers, dinners, notes, care packages and loafs of hot baked bread.  Giving small bits of relief.

We call ourselves the Underground Relief Society.
Today there are a handful of us in Arizona.
We agree, 'Charity Never Faileth'.

Join us.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

More Camp Scholarships

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Camp Scabs Island Park
April 10-12

$100 Scholarships Available
send an email to
campscabs {at} gmail {dot} com

with "Island Park Scholarship" in the subject line

As part of the scholarship program I will be renting a van at the Salt Lake City airport and driving through Logan, Idaho Falls, Rexburg and anywhere in-between to pick you up.

Curb-side service! 

                                  xo-Scabs


Friday, March 14, 2014

Courage and Clairty

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My parents just flew out this morning after staying a week.  It is a burden lifted to have them shut their car door, wave and drive off.  That burden and the burden of Mr. Scabs being Mr. Scabs has left me with some courage and clarity of thought.  

Today, I will walk around the block with my friend and talk it out.  I will read and study and sit quietly in the backyard while the birds chirp and lady dog lays on my feet.  I will drink lemonade made with the heavy fragrant lemons from Grandma Elma's backyard.  I will fall to my knees in conversation with my Father.  And then, I might run a few miles.

I hope your friday brings you courage and clarity too.

xo-
Scabs

Thursday, March 6, 2014

from a reader

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A few weeks ago a reader sent me this original poem.  I asked if I could share it with you.   As we all have felt, its the endless lies that seem to do the most damage.   And, as we all have felt, it's the lie induced paranoia that leads us to doubt our own senses.

--------------------------------------------




My Husband's Secret


Your deep set blue eyes look at me
they look whole, pure, true 
like you want them to
until you blink
layers of water I am hesitant to peer into
layers of water, drifting up and back
you try to look so directly, concentrated, one dimentional

I catch a glimpse of the row boat, the one with a broken oar, hole
rotted through the wood, carrying a box, or a bag or a black tarp
peeking over the top
I see it back there, floating, spinning
the water is too blue, too clear

There is no boat, you say
but I can see it
I can see that boat, old, surprisingly sturdy
like an old friend to you
a friend you won't introduce me too
its sort of beautiful, when I catch a glimpse
don't you know that?
The wood curves with weight, like someone has sat in it many times
comfortably smoothed out the surface of that little seat
you love that boat I know
all I see is the underbelly right now, riding up on a small swell
blends with the brown sky of dusk
but I can see it, wonder what is under that tarp

There is no boat, you say
But I see that boat,
until you blink
then there is no boat,
but it will come again.


-anonymous reader from somewhere in the world

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Question & a Story

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Once, not too long ago there was an addict.  He had used his drugs and abused his family and friends for years.  He stole from them and lied to them, he betrayed and used them.  He had burned every bridge. A few days ago the addict found himself all alone in the bitter darkness of downtown.  He had no drugs, no friends or/family, no food not even a blanket.

As the thick cover of night washed over the street, the addict began to shiver with fear and shame and bone-chilling cold.  His arms wrapped tighter around his torso but the thin sweatshirt did little to warm him.  The lost people of night began to wander the street and he suddenly felt lonely and strange. With nothing and nowhere to go the addict reached out, dialing his Dad's phone number.

"Dad, I know I don't deserve anything from you but could you please bring me a blanket.  I'm so cold."

The Dad pulled an old quilt from the closet, picked up his older son and drove the few blocks to where the addict had hunkered down for the bitter night.  When the Dad and the older son saw the addict they both wept. Grieving for the son and brother they once knew.  The son and brother they loved.

The older son said, "Brother, I will get you a hotel for the night."

And so, they drove to the nearest hotel and purchased a room.  The addict grateful for their kindness promised he would go to rehab the next day.  He gave tear-filled sorry's and promised to get clean and change.  He begged for their belief in him, so terribly aware of the acute pain in his own heart.

"In the morning I will check myself into rehab, I promise."

A few days later the Dad and older son saw the addict.  When they asked him why he wasn't in rehab the addict replied,

"Oh, yeah.  Those guys?   No, they're losers.  I'm not like them. I'm doing better now anyway."

Question:  What do you think?  How do you think the Dad and older son feel?

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

the little lady & camp news



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SLC Camp News:  

I've sent out an email with registration and instructions.  If you were on my SLC camp list but didn't get an email send me a quick note campscabs@gmail.com.

Also, the final camp scholarship was awarded.  I sent emails for this.  It's the same drill, if you didn't get an email or couldn't view the video file, send me a note.

-----------------------------------


This morning at work a small woman said to me,

"I need help."

I knew the timbre in her voice.  It was the same helpless tone from my own darkest moments.  I work for a large financial business, the kind of business that has nothing to do with emotions.  But as I heard this desperate voice reach out, I knew it was something more than her finances.

I said, "Of course I can help you.  What's going on?"

She then explained to me she had made a mistake with a bank transfer and a few other things were up in the air.  She was shaking and worried.  Then, through tears, she told how her husband of 47 years had suddenly, unexpectedly passed from this life to the next.  We talked about it for a minute, she talked about walking around in a fog.  I said, "I know what you mean, it's like being lost in a coma."
She talked about the sleepless nights and gut wrenching grief.  I said, "I know what you mean, it's like being punched in the stomach with a bag full of rocks."

Then she said, "Have you lost a husband."

I said, "Not like that, but I have lost a husband."

Without the darkness of the past I wouldn't have understood her grief. There is something sacred about binding a cord that lets another know they aren't alone, about breaking from the prison of ourselves.

I love the video above.




Wednesday, February 12, 2014

a valentines scholarship



It's the month of love, and Valentine's Day is right around the corner.
A wopa's favorite holiday.

And in honor of all the love that is in our hearts we are giving one more $500 scholarship for Camp Scabs SLC March 27-29.  So, check your calendar, send me an email, cross your fingers and say a silent "thank you" to the generous man behind the money.  I'll do a random drawing Feb. 14th.

campscabs@gmail.com

Monday, February 10, 2014

will this ever end?

laugh


I haven't been telling this story for too long just a few years.  Honestly, I'm surprised I'm still alive! There literally was a time I thought I'd die, my heart was shattered.  During the ugly-hell part of this experience I would shriek into my pillow with my tear-stained puffy face,

"WILL THIS EVER END?"

The other night we had a little Arizona WOPA (wives/ex-wives/daughters of porn addicts) reunion.  We fiercely support and love each other.  There is no judgement, no cliques, no wrong answers.  It was fun and if you're from AZ and want to be included, send me a quick note.  

The words,  
"will this ever end?"
"will this ever end?"
"will this ever end?"

It's the invocation of the hopeless, the lost, the broken-hearted, the betrayed.  It was my unanswered question.  And, it is the question that bangs around in our brains overshadowing all we feel.  Like a gong banging the words through our hearts. Searing them upon us. And with the loudest and softest of voices we ask the wind, "will this ever end?"

At the WOPA reunion I heard this chant again.  And, I remembered the women who had gone before and their soothing words and gentle understanding.  These trail-blazers told me I would find peace.  No matter what my husband decided.  They promised, I would find an end.

I didn't believe them.  

As all things do, I've come full circle and now I can answer with gentle, soothing certainty.  

There is an end.
You will find it.

This brings me to two things I love and want to share. 


Addo Recovery.  They are compassionate and real and teeming with tools and FREE course and webinars for us.  I love them.  I should have announced their most recent webinar about Addiction and Intimacy.  Next time.  

Mr. Scabs and I listened to Dr. Skinner's presentation about Addiction and Intimacy.  This is our current phase.  Bringing back the intimacy.   I like a therapist who pushes the text book boundaries.  I like new ideas that make sense to my heart.  I like stories.  I like that he offers online group therapy.

I like Rachel Gunther.  I've met her and talked to her.  She's rad and she gets it.  And I like that she offers online therapy.  Because so many of us live in places where we can't get the help we need.  In fact, right now through Feb, she's offering online sessions for $65!!  Try it out, contact them here for scheduling. I know it's kind of late in the month but its worth a try.

Plus, I like ADDO's FREE online course for women.  Sign up here.  The next class starts on the 19th. I'll be taking it again.  I like repeating things, it helps me learn more and measure my growth.

I like that they help those of us who are still married and those of us who aren't.  They have compassion for both.  They have an upcoming 8-week group focusing on Life After Divorce therapy group.  We all know their are complications and pain with the break-up of a marriage.  And simply leaving doesn't heal our wounds.  Reach out.  Call their office here 801-406-8994.  Blow up their phone, because the more we ask, the more they will give.  The online group isn't currently available but I know that if you ask they will make it happen. The in-person group will begin Feb 19th.  

And, yes.  There's a men's group too.  Check it out here.

I love their generosity and compassion.  I like the guy behind the scenes.  He works tirelessly and quietly. He has a wonderful wife and family and in-laws.  This is his passion.  ADDO is my fav.  These resources will guide you to the answer to the question banging around in our heads:

"will this ever end?"

Ok that was a lot of info, I didn't mean to write that much, but really, they have so much to offer.

This post is already far too long and I am way too tired.  So I will post about my other favorite resource another day.  If you haven't already, have a sneak peak at Fight The New Drug.

p.s. i promise.  there is an end to the gut-wrenching hell you feel.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Lets talk about LOVE RICE

my *love rice* experiment
started: 12.3.13
picture taken: 1.2.14


My 5 year old knows a lot of creative swear words like fartass.  I suppose its not really his fault he was raised during the storm of discovery.  The ugly part.  The part where my vocabulary took a dramatic shift.  But, as things begin to heal so does my language.  wheew!

After school today I overheard him call his sister one of these words.  It makes me so sad to hear these things from my children.  After wiping away some tears and giving some hugs I said to the boy go tell the hate rice that it's a fartass and then go tell the love rice that you adore it.  He did.

And then, I asked my boy.  "How do you want to treat you sister, like the hate or love rice?"

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The first week of December 2013 I cooked some rice.  Just some plain white rice.  Then, I spooned a bit into two sterile jars.  I labeled one the {hate rice} and one the {love rice}.  This is an experiment I learned about from yoga Amber and Dr Emoto.

And everyday I would tell the {hate rice} how terrible, disappointing, ugly it was. I would snicker at it's "muffin top" and tell it that it was worthless and stupid.  I asked the neighborhood boys to come yell ugly words at the poor hate rice.  It hurt my ears.

And, everyday I would tell the love rice how wonderful, delicious and fluffy it was.  How it was most sweet, amazing rice I'd ever seen.   And I would play sonatas and love songs on my record player.  I gave love to that rice.

After 30 days, the results were astonishing.  The hate rice had disintegrated into mush.  And the love rice was indeed fluffy and intact.

Let us be gentle to ourselves and those around us.

-xoxo-
Scabs


Saturday, January 18, 2014

Camp Scabs SLC & Island Park

Camp Scabs Idaho Sept 2013


Camp Scabs SLC

First off, what exactly is Camp?  Details here.

When: Two seperate camps have been scheduled
Thursday March 13-15
Thursday March 27-29

Where:  Heber, UT
just outside SLC


Cost: $100 per person!  We like to keep this super affordable.
Includes food, lodging, activities and some transportation

Carpooling is what we do, so you can plan to either meet our carpool in SLC (usually a late lunch date) or drive yourself to the cabin.  Check in is at 4.  If you are scheduling a flight please arrive Thursday before 1 and plan to fly out Saturday after 4pm.  We can arrange all your ground transportation.

If you're interested in more details or want to RSVP
 send an email with Camp SLC in the subject line to
CampScabs @ gmail{dot}com

***Those of you who have already contacted me, 
email me again just to make sure I have you on the email list.***

Camp Scabs Island Park
 Jane from Learning From My Husbands Pornography Addiction is hosting this camp.
 Whether you know Jane or not this will be a WOPA party!   We will burn things and tell stories and do yoga and all other regular campy things.

Where:  A cabin in Island Park, Idaho 
about an hour north of Rexburg near Yellowstone and 4 hours north of SLC and 5 hours from Boise.

When: Thursday April 10-12

Contact Jane here if you're interested.
hisstrugglemystruggle@gmail.com



Thursday, January 9, 2014

se la vie

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Hey y'all!

November came and went with a flash then December and now January!  It takes time to figure out this new life of mine.  How do we honor the past without wallowing in it or ignoring it?  And then moving forward with hope and love?  How does all this happen?  I'm not sure.

November brought the Scabs Family a wedding anniversary that we no longer celebrate, a porniversary that causes all of us pain and then the general holiday hub-bub and traditions and traveling and family.

We realize we can't carry on life like we used to, pre-addiction.  But we also realize we can't seep ourselves in self-pity, self-hatred, self-doubt, walking on eggshells.  It's too timid of a way to live.  And so, Mr. Scabs and I have played around with the idea of getting re-married, making a moment of re-commitment.  A moment we can celebrate.

And, as for that painful November porniversary, we have decided that it might be a good idea to quietly honor that moment too.  Spend a quiet dinner together.  Remember.  Hold hands.  And humbly pay homage to the places we have been.

This new life is a total reconstruction.  A gut job.

Aside from that, no more delays on the how to confront a liar post promised to you in November. The post is longer that I like and there are some things in there I hesitate to say aloud but se la vie.





how to confront a liar

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I've been a liar and I've been lied to.

In first grade I told the world I was adopted.  It didn't matter how many times they pointed out that I'm a carbon copy of my mother, I insisted, "I'm adopted".

Why do we tell lies: big fat whoppers, little whipsy white ones, wild strings and yarns?  Maybe to protect ourselves or support our fantasies (yeah, cause I'm adopted)?  Maybe out of fear? or even habit?  or to get an exchange at Walmart (dang, this waffle iron was broken when I opened the box).

But, to the spouse of an addict filtering through their lies is like...well, lets just call it what it is.  It's like wading through sloppy shit. And it hurts.  Big time.  A lot of times, it's the deal breaker.

Is he telling the truth?

"That condom in my wallet?  Oh, it's not mine.It must have fallen into my pocket when I was walking through the store"

Is he lying?

"I've never looked at porn on my phone!  Someone at work must have stolen my phone and used it."

How are we supposed to know?

"I'm running to Walgreen's real quick, you need anything?"

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So, these are some of the things I did to became a human lie detector

1.  Snap out of it

No more rose colored glasses.  No more Happy Wives Club.  No more naively believing. I had to get real and see Mr. Scabs for what he was; a lying, thieving, murderer of love (Dan in Real Life)! He was the fabricator.  If there was one thing I knew, I knew he would lie to me.  It's a hard to accept reality, after all, I couldn't imagine being so shifty in my most intimate relationship.  But it was the truth and the more clearly I could see it the better prepared I was to face him.

2.  Observe

Let's put on our lab coats ladies, it's time to observe him with the attention of a scientist.  What changes do you see, hear, smell, taste and feel?  There are so many advantages to detaching and here, detaching will allow you to see more clearly.  It is a gift!

Suddenly, I could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes and in his body language. But it wasn't always like that, at first I doubted my senses.

I had just a shred of evidence, like a link or a cleared out web history browser or he's late from work or even worse he smells like a girl.  Maybe I'd ran across a receipt or a secret credit card bill or a stash of hidden condoms or he was angry and short tempered.  Are the little things or big things not adding up?  I watched everything.

3.  Keep quiet and write

Maybe you say something like, "hey, why's the web browser cleared?"

Do you get a barrage of reasons why it's your fault and you're to blame?  Do they blow you off, explain it away or get angry?  So, keep it to yourself and file it away.  Journal these observations, these red flags.  Record the details.  Maybe it's vague or doesn't make sense, but soon it will.  Mull over these patterns, shreds of evidence and seemingly unimportant bits.  Believe in yourself because soon you will see the truth.  Clarity.

A lot of people like lists, if you need to write a list, do it.

red flags
short tempered angry
demanding
found large amount of cash in his truck
found craigslist history search for women
smelled like unfamiliar girly lotion
came home from work late and angry
blaming me for lack of sex
always turns off the laptop when i walk in the room
eyes look weird blank
barking at the kids
hasn't gone to therapy in weeks

It's pretty clear now, isn't it?

4.  Confidence.  

When it's time to confront the fabricator do it with absolute confidence.  This takes practice and may be severely uncomfortable at first, but dang girl, why shouldn't you be confident about the red flags you see?  Review your list!  It's like watching a horror film and when the babysitter answers the phone and hears, "have you checked the children?"  Why does she hang up and go on with her math homework as if it's nothing at all!!!??  Red Flag, call 911!  Same deal ladies, red flags are there for a reason. Trust yourself because they can be easily explained away.  That is the biggest lie of all, and it's often the one we tell ourselves.

5.  Practice and then have the conversation

Prepare yourself physically.  Maintain eye contact.  Stand or sit up strait.  Open your posture, don't fold your arms or furrow your brow. Maybe raise your eyebrows a bit, nod your head instead of shaking it. Cast off any kind of sad, depressed or unsure looks. Tell yourself you are strong and capable.  Review your list. Practice in the mirror. I know it's weird but it helps.  You know you're being lied to and you're ready for the truth

I talk to myself all the time.  I play imaginary conversations over and over in my head.  I play out different scenarios and directions.  I tell myself what I think and how I feel, that way when I'm confronted in real life, I'm prepared.

Here's an example conversation

Me: Hey, let's talk. I know you have something you need to tell me.  And it's time for you to be honest.  (this is my favorite phrase.  You can always go back to it.  It's simple and direct.  I used this all the time.  It was my fall back.  If I didn't know what to say, I said this.)

Mr. Scabs: like what?

Me:  Nod your head, use your open encouraging body language and facial expressions. I know that you've made some mistakes lately with your addiction and I'm ready for you to tell me about them.  

Then be silent.  Watch their body language, their eyes, listen to their voice or even their breathing.  Are you getting the usual?  Excuses, blaming, denial, anger or blank looks like he doesn't know what your talking about.  Or the ultimate, does he storm out of the house flabbergasted that you'd say such a thing!!  Beware, these are not the actions of a penitent man.  This is a confirmation that he is hiding something.  It is a boost to your confidence.  Your red flags really were RED.

Let him do this, all the time watching. Take a quick check of yourself physically, are you making eye contact, are you remaining positive?  Are you hunched over or sitting up straight?  Are you frowning or have knowing confident look on your face. Then, calmly continue.

Me: Come on, let's really talk about this.  I know you still have something you need to take ownership for and be honest about.  And, now is the time for you to tell me.

Mr. Scabs: What?  What do I need to be honest about?  

Me: Its not my job to tell you what it is.  Its your job to be transparent.  If there's any chance of working this out you'll need to trust me enough to tell the truth. 

Mr. Scabs: I can't believe you are accusing me!

Me: This isn't an accusation.  But, I do know there's something you need to tell me. So please, let's talk about this.  I'm ready.

And then be silent and listen again.

If after a few attempts you're still getting the "I don't know what your talking about" or other excuse, I'd change my tactic.

Me: Mr Scabs, look, I know that you are struggling, It's clear. I also know you've made some mistakes you need to come clean about.  So, why don't you take some time to think about it and I'll come talk to you again tonight after dinner.

Smile, nod yes and maybe even gently touch his arm, then walk away!!!  Come back with the same conversation when he's had time to think and settle.

If he starts to open up and be honest.  Listen and take mental notes.  Don't act surprised by any new information.  Take it all in.  And then tell him how you feel.

Me:  I feel so hurt that you're keeping secrets from me.  I want to create safety and trust between us again but I'm not sure you're interested. I'm sad you choose to keep secrets again. What are we going to do?

On the other hand, if you get nothing from this conversation.  It you are being stonewalled or yelled at or manipulated walk away.  These are the epitome of reasons to detach.  Try the conversation later, after he's calmed down or maybe with a therapist.  If there's physical abuse or violence get away!   If the conversation ever leads somewhere dangerous walk away.  You must have an escape plan.  Take your kids to the park, the mall, your sisters house or go to a movie, pack your bags and drive to North Carolina.

If he in anyway wants to rid himself from the hell he's created he will hopefully tell even the tiniest sliver of truth and when he does build on it.

Mr. Scabs: Well, I went to the casino a few weeks ago and i was going to tell you about the money I made and I was going to account for it.  

Me:  Right, I know. (even if you don't know, say you know.  Maintain your open posture and eye contact). How did it feel to go to the casino and not tell me?  What do you think that does to our relationship?

Don't ask details.  Leave it up to him to tell the story and the details.  Try not to get angry and when he divulges more information always act like you already knew the details, whether you did or not. Nod your head and say, "yes, I know."

As a side-note, he may ask how you know.  Don't say how you are figuring this out. Don't tell him what you suspect or have found.  Don't let on that you've installed Stealth Genie on his tablet or phone. Recently, in light of Edward Snowden, I told Mr. Scabs about Stealth Genie.  After a bit of conversation, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't blame you."

I'd usually end the conversation explaining what I was going to do in light of his lies.  Detach.  Go to yoga. Take some alone to to figure this out.  Pack your bags and drive to North Carolina.  Whatever. Then walk away.  Maybe there will even be some bonding between you.  The truth does funny things!

I believe this is one way you can let them hit bottom.  Let go.  Don't get involved in their recovery actions or accountability.  Just walk away and take care of yourself.  Do what you need to do, talk to whomever you need to talk to.

All of this is a skill.  It takes time to learn.  Mistakes are ok.  The biggest feedback I get is this:  What if it's really nothing?  What if i'm just being paranoid?  Read your red flag list again.  You're not making this up.  And honestly, if you're wrong, you'll know it.

An honest man sounds completely different than a lying man.

 



Friday, December 6, 2013

Midnight Yoga


Midnight Yoga

(And yes, we're going to call it Midnight Yoga instead of Moonlight Yoga. There have been some discrepancies but THIS is the official name from now on)

This is the perfect time of year to deny oneself; to fulfill other's needs before (and in place of) your own, to fulfill family traditions, to fulfill church commitments, baking schedules, shopping lists, and wrapping deadlines. So much to do in so little time. None of these things are bad or wrong, mind you. And you're right, they MUST get done!
But remember you.
Remember to take care of you.

Come to yoga. It will make a difference this holiday season.
I promise.

December 9th at 8:00pm
December 23rd at 8:00pm
(yes, I realize this is the day before Christmas eve, what a perfect time to center oneself!)

I love you all and wish you peace, light, and love this holiday season.

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