Monday, January 19, 2015

The rebuild

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Previous

February 2012 

I haven't known how to tell the next part of my story.

The part that comes after the drama of discovering Mr. Scabs disloyalty,
kicking him out of the house,
buring all his underwear,
having tourettes,
asking him to eat the scab,
the mysterious paralysis of my legs and then the healing of those legs,
the disipating fog of limbo,
bits of hope
and the conscience decision to work on our marriage.

As my legs healed and grew stronger I began to walk and ride my bike and practice yoga again. Life felt slow.  I was careful and observant.  I watched mr scabs tear down walls and gut our 50's style kitchen and tinker, rebuild and remodel.  We were both incredibly vulnerable; just like the kitchen, we were being gutted.

I handed him nails and hammers and drew outlines and consulteed with experts on our new kitchen. All the while, not knowing what to do about the disaster that had become our life.  Advice, opinions and stories filtering over my ears into my gut shaped my thoguhts and so i did what i have always done; move forward and take another step in the direction my feet were pointed.

I had to trust that.

I had to trust the ups and downs.  I had to invest in discovering, exploring, understanding and studying the ins and outs of this new life with Mr. Scabs ...we had an uneasy agreement to work on ourselves and see what would happen.

There were times we slept in the same bed and sometimes the guest room became Mr. Scabs room. Sometimes we went on vacation together and other times we left Mr. Scabs at home.  Sometimes I was in and other times I was out. There were times I contemplated shaving off one of his eyebrows while he slept and other insane times I'd ransack his truck certain I'd find evidence.  And then, there were times we'd take the family to the dog park and run and play like we were the couple that fell in love years ago!

But mostly, I carefully observed.  I watched him from the safety of my boundaries.  I watched him rebuild those kitchen walls.


P.S.  Our friends at ADDO have been up to some pretty rad things!  Free Speaker Series!


Provide your email to get a FREE, no strings attached link to 
Dr. Skinner's presentation:



When he says "intimacy" he doesn't 
mean just sex.  

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

you can buy me for a dollar

R.A.T. Race

I'd never been to a race where they prayed before we ran/walked.  It was during this prayer that my emotions flooded over and burst out of my eyes.  My little boy reached his arm around my leg and whispered, "mama?"   The woman bowing her head in front of me snuck a glance in the direction of my sniveling.   When the buzzer rang and we all began to walk, tears still streamed.  And when I looked to the left and the right and to the hundreds of people in front of me, I bawled some more.  So many people came to support the R.A.T Race (Run Against Trafficking).

This hits so very, very close to home for the Scabs family.

On the way to the race, we talked about slavery.  We talked about what it is, how it happens and how children and women and men get lost in this underground industry.  We talked about it feeds pornography.  We talked about predators, victims and surviors.  We talked about how it is spreading wider and deeper all over the world and how it's even festering in our own neighborhood.  We talked about people like OUR, TRUST AZ and ISEEUhope.  We talked about hope and God.  We talked about what we can do to become abolitionists.

And then, my blonde haired boy with all the answeres pipes up,

"Mama, I know how you can save me if I get stolen.  You can just come to the place where they are selling me and buy me for a dollar or something."

I did that weird thing where you cry and laugh at the same time.

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P.S. Mr. Scabs ran so fast he earned a metal.  He was proud.  
He was also more awake to the world he'd been involved with.  





Friday, October 24, 2014

R.A.T. Race

R.A.T. Race

I'll be there tomorrow morning.  Let's hang out and throw back a few gatorades and power bars!

My good friend has become one of Arizonas most passionate movers and shakers when it come to sex trafficking in our own neighborhoods.  She's met with local mayors and city counsel members to change laws and support survivors.  Last spring she was invited and attended the National Exploitation Summit and came home inspired to do more!  With that inspiration she came home and opened a nonprofit ISEEUHOPE!  Wow!  She's amazing.  Read more about ISEEUHOPE below.

Let's end sex trafficking!
If you're local come run or walk and dontate.
If you can't come to the R.A.T. Race log online and donate.



Register here: http://www.ratraceaz.org.


 Our team isiseeuhope.org
 


ISEEUHOPE
International Sexual Exploitation Enemies United, Hope
www.ISEEUHope.org  (501c3 status pending)

Who we are:  Women helping other women to find hope, healing and strength as they recover from the devastating effects of betrayal trauma.

What we do:  Provide connection to programs, services, support and community efforts aimed at helping people find hope and healing from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction.  Promote legislation to reduce “fake massage parlor” (brothel/sex provider) businesses in our communities.  Create scholarships for people affected by and working to combat the darkness of sex/pornography addiction/ the porn industry/ the sex trade.

How we do it: Through community connections with various churches and organizations around the Phoenix, AZ area, around the country and around the world.  Through our website.  Through support groups serving women.  Through the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation:www.endexploitationmovement.com

How you can help:  Please donate. 

100% of the donations we receive are put toward care packages & materials to help clergy minister to sex/pornography addicts and their spouses.
***You can also support us by registering to Run in the Arizona Race Against Trafficking (RAT Race) as part of our team ISEEUhope.  All donations made to our team through the RAT Race will be given directly to our organization minus a small processing fee (2-3%)

Why you should help: When a woman finds herself in a situation where she has been betrayed by the person in her life she trusted and gave herself to, it is devastating and she often finds herself feeling very alone and worthless.  These packages will direct her to a community of women who have survived the trauma and are finding healing and wholeness in their lives.  The services offered in the care package will help her to get through the toughest periods of recovery when she can do little more than breathe & survive.

Please give generously and know that your donation will brighten the day and the heart of a woman who feels that the whole earth has crumbled beneath her feet.

Our sincerest thanks for your generous donation!


Monday, September 15, 2014

Doing your own thing


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I'm so proud of this lady!

Each of us have a part to play and something to pay forward in this movement.  This lady felt the draw to get her yoga teacher training and open classes for women like us!  And, she's doing it!

If you live near Murray, UT go to her free class tonight (Tues, Sept 16 @6:30) and tell her Scabs sent you!

And, as always, if you live near Lindon, UT sign up for ADDO's free yoga classes here.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, yoga has been a pillar in my healing.  You don't have to be bendy or have a third-eye, you just have to want to be whole again.









Friday, September 12, 2014

behind the scene

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Why is it that kids get squirrely when it's time for bed?  And why are they suddenly hit with a bout of the most intense, potentially deadly thirst?  Can anyone answer these questions for me?

Finally, they are quiet and I'm taking a moment to open my laptop, review my Camp Scabs budget, pay a few camp bills, review the registration list.  My camp partner is on hiatus and I miss her.  I miss her for a lot of reasons but one of those little reasons is that she has amazing organizational skills. The kind of skills that make spreadsheets and stuff.  I use sticky notes.

One of the most amazing bits about camp is all the people (especially compassionate men) who have donated, time, talents, extra hours at work and cold hard cash to the Camp Scabs cause;  thousands of dollars and hours upon hours of time.  The Camp Scabs Scholarship Fund has been especially cool to watch. These men are buying airline tickets and paying baggage fees and sending gas money and renting suburbans to help ladies travel from all over North America to Camp Scabs cities.  I'm humbled.

Never were these men asked to donate.  They are just kind and generous.  They reached out to create this opportunity for you.  They work behind the scenes.

I was curious, so I filtered through my sticky notes.  There are now 105 Camp Scabs Alumni.  Out of these alum 48 received scholarships!  I think this is remarkable.


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Monday, September 1, 2014

Get un-stuck


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The first time I discovered Mr. Scabs and porn feels like a million years ago, our now, tween daughter, was still growing in my belly.  I knew in my gut that the porn and lying and anger were poison to the small family we were about to become.  There are so many reasons why I chose to ignore that feeling and justify the porn streaming into my newlywed livingroom.  I felt stuck.

So much has changed since then.

As terrible and enormous as the problem of porn and sex addiction is, there's an equally healing and enormous amount of help, resources and recovery!  The wave of dark is no longer encompassing and engulfing. This is PHENOMENAL!  A phenomenal amount of hope!

I believe if you're an addict or a spouse in today's world, you are the luckiest addict/spouse in the history of the time.  Never have there been so many caring, compassionate, successful people with research and knowledge, armed with tools and pathways to light the way to healthy sexuality and relationships.  There is no reason we can't be whole.  That wave of dark is met with a more powerful wave of light.  We are so lucky!

We want better lives, fuller relationships, deeper intimacy but don't always know how to cross the bridge into action, the ADDO team can show us how to do this.  I know most of the ADDO team personally.  I trust them.  In fact, I just talked to Amy Parks on the phone, you will love her!!  She has her own story and understands the deep confusion and pain as well as the freedom of healing and how to get there.  I hope you reach out and get un-stuck.

Sign up for ADDO's  2-day therapy intensive for individuals and couples in Lindon, Utah.  

There are 2 sessions:

9/26/2014 - 9/27/2014 & 11/7/2014 - 11/8/2014




Establishing Hope Workshop from Addo Recovery on Vimeo.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Notebook Syndrome

Camp Scabs Scholarship Applicants: By this evening, Friday 22nd, you will receive an email with our random pick for this September's Camp.  If you applied you should have received a reply email from me just letting you know you're on the list.  If you didn't get this reply please resend your email to campscabs {at} gmail {dot} com

xoxo,
     Scabs

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You know how in The Notebook the main character, the guy, I forgot his name, works his ass off every day trying to get his wife to come back to him.  I told Mr. Scabs, "this is what I call The Notebook Syndrome".

The main character (I know, terrible that I've forgotten his name. Maybe I should google it).....Noah!  Noah and Allie have been married and in love for years when she's diagnosed with Alzheimer's.   They have a great love story filled with passion and fighting and losing each other only to find each other again so she decides to write this story in a notebook because she was losing her mind and doesn't want to forget.  The idea is that if Noah reads the notebook to her each day she will remember who they are and "come back to him".  They will steal a few moments of clarity from the dementia that has taken over her mind.

Every once in awhile, when the conditions were just right, I'd work my ass off all day, talking Mr. Scabs through his life and his addiction.  And by the end of the day he'd come back to me.  He would have clarity and humility and recognition.  He would be like the man I fell in love with. We would steal a few moments from his addiction.   We would dance and hold each other for a minute and be real.  And then, just like in The Notebook, he'd slip away before I'd even noticed. Back into dementia.

This isn't good.  I decided to quit working my ass off.  


Monday, August 18, 2014

the underground railroad




Have you seen Operation Underground Railroad?  This is what porn feeds.

This is what porn feeds.

I am so thankful for brave and compassionate people like Mark.  And, I'm so thankful for the brave and compassionate people in my own city who are abolitionists too, like ISEEUHOPE and TRUST AZ.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Camp Scholarship!

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You know what's fun about being Scabs?  
I get to give away these $500 camp scholarships!!!  I feel so lucky and grateful. 

People (you know who you are), are so kind and generous to donate toward camp.   And this camps scholarships have been flying off the table but I've reserved one more to give away now. This money goes direct from me to you to pay for your camp fee and airfare or travel expenses. 
The dates are Sept 25-27 other camp details are here.

Email me now with your name, where you're from and a quick explanation of why you want to come to Camp Scabs. The winner will be randomly chosen and announced 
Friday Aug 22 via email.

campscabs {at} gmail {dot} com

Just for fun, here's a letter of gratitude from a camp alumni

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Camp Scabs was definitely a life-changing event for me. The connection, the honesty, the love, compassion, understanding, hope (I could go on and on) that came from those women, it was extraordinary. But there was another part of Camp Scabs that made a big impression on me in a way I'll never forget: all the people who helped make camp so amazing. A man who wants to help, so he offers scholarships for women who want to go but can't afford it. A beautiful cabin for a ridiculously inexpensive rate. A gourmet chef who wants us to know we matter, so he prepares a couple of crazy delicious meals. A man who wants to do something, so he donates his time and snowmobiles and takes us to the top of the mountains (incredible, indescribable, awe-inspiring beauty). A yoga instructor who volunteers her time because she wants to help us feel peace and hope. 

I can't explain why, but knowing that these people did so much for us out of the kindness of their hearts, to help strangers feel loved and validated in such a difficult time, it definitely restored my faith in humanity (even men)--something I wasn't looking for in Camp Scabs, but I got anyway, times ten. Thank you so, so, so much for caring, and doing something about it. 

The world needs more people like you.





Tuesday, August 12, 2014

spark of maddness

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We grew up with him.  
He was my Peter Pan, my Captain, that annoying guy on Jumanji,  and our beloved nanny. 

I miss him.

Friday, August 8, 2014

time for camping, scabs style

Credit: a linkless pinterest photo :(

Save the date: Sept, Thursday 25th -Saturday 27th
Camp Scabs Phoenix
(Are you new here?  You're probably wondering what is Camp Scabs? click here)

More details soon and scholarships available.

Please email campscabs {at} gmail {dot} com 
with the word "scholarship" in the subject line.
If I already know you great, if not please tell me why you'd like to come to camp.  

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

life + art

buy me here



I'm sitting here in a pile of post vacation rubble and instead of starting laundry I'm reading through your emails, because I miss you and want to know what's going on in your lives.  Soon I will just leave these piles and hope the night time trolls, Bon Qui-Qui and Billy TuTu decide to take pity on me, snap their fingers and taadaa!  The laundry will be done.  

But, in the meantime, I thought I'd share something.

Be Brave has become something of a life philosophy here in the Scabs world.  And, I love that about a million of ya'll tagged this print for me on Pinterest!! So, I shared it on Instagram and I'm sharing it here too.  I bought one for me and one for a friend who's struggling, because, ya know, #theundergroundreliefsociety

And of course, I couldn't leave my pile of post vacation rubble without giving a shout out to the artist.  Inspiring artwork Alena Hennessy!  Thank you.
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