Sunday, June 7, 2015

Camp Scabs Aug 2015

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I will make this short and sweet, only because it's almost midnight!

First off, I hear you.  I know many of you have sent me letters and notes that deserve a response.  I'm working on them, thanks for your patience and your love.

Second, it's camp time again!!  This year has been a little hairy-carrie with so many things on my plate but, I'm working to slow things down.  And, camp has been on the agenda for awhile.  Here are some basic deets and I'll post more in a few days when I get some extra time.

Where: Glendo Wyoming

When: Aug 27-30 (Thursday-Sunday), We will have a van driving from Denver to Glendo (3hr drive).  If you're flying you'll want to plan to fly to Denver or Cheyenne (either way we will pick you up)

What: We have a cabin by the reservoir.  We will be boating and tubing and paintball gunning.  We will have an in house yoga teacher, do some meditations and eat healthy, clean meals.  We will perform old and new camp rituals.  We will do some meaningful service to meet the needs of other women like us.  We will face a few triggers, and come out on top.  We will journal and work on an art project.  We will tell some stories, but mostly we will work on rediscovering ourselves.  This camp will be a bit different from the other camps with a focus on healing, changing the future of our stories and thriving with tools to take home.  CAMP SCABS version 2.0.  More details later.

Cost: We are still working out the price but it will be around $250.  And as always, there will be scholarships for both camp tuition and/or travel.  Generosity abounds!

Email me with questions, comments and desires to go.  campscabs@gmail.com

xoxo
Scabs

Monday, March 30, 2015

our kids!!!



Our kids!! Don't you worry about them?  I do.  All the time.

We had just come in from walking the dogs and the night was cool and crisp, so were our hands and our feet.  It was the kind of night that makes the moon seem wise and the stars bright and alive. We laughed cause we could almost see our breath {I heart Arizona winters}.  My daughter burried her cold little toes under the feather comforter as she snuggled into her bed.

The quiet calmness of bedtime makes sense, like the day is wraping itself up, tying up loose ends and surrending the things that don't make sense.  It had been a hard day and as my daughter lay silently in bed, I scratched her back and began to tell her a story.

It was the magnificent story of her birth!  I shared the excitment and deep love that was her father's and mine.  And how the morning she was born a deer and her fawn came to eat grass in our front yard.  I told her how she came into the world wide-eyed and curious.  Her father and I were so entirely happy to watch her first breath and how she ravenously drank her first meal.  Pages hadn't been written yet and we wanted to give her every good thing.  

The truth is, I feel sad that this addiction has woven itself into my daughters childhood.  I feel a loss for her.  I know that you know what I mean.  I know that many of you feel this loss too.  

The cost of addiction is terribly high.  And terribly unfair to our children.

So, as I scratched her back, I told her how I felt sad that I can't give her all the things I want to. That many times life has another plan and doesn't give guarantees.  But, life had given me her and that she was made because of love and that her value was wider and deeper than any ocean.  I told her that a mothers love for her child never dies and that she will always have my heart.  I explained how I want to teach her to be happy, kind and of course, brave.  Because, although we cannot steer the boats of those around us, we can steer our own boats to safe harbors.  

Today I listened to Kathy's presentation on how to improve our parenting while dealing with betrayal trauma.  Tonight I listened again.  Something clicked!  

Kids and moms...of course we all have damage to heal.  It so hard to know what to do or say to help our kids navigate this "new normal".  But, Kathy's presentation has given me some clear direction and confidence. In fact, I signed up for her online class that starts April 16th because I want to learn more.  

It's one thing for us as mothers to live through trauma, but it is entirely different for us to watch our children suffer and feel pain.  I've always thought whether our kids know or don't know about the addiction, they can feel a difference in our homes.  More than anything, I want to be a safe person for my two kids. 

Sign up and we can learn together!

If you want to watch her free video register here.


Monday, March 9, 2015

Scabby Update

this might be the place where i study and learn
(my legs are uber white!)



I'm in the weeds ya'll!  It's been a busy spring.  

Just a little update:

One...
There's something in the air, something in my life that has turned me into a sponge.  I want to learn, discover and explore everything.  Seriously, everything!  I bought a desk and a pair of glasses and decided to return to acadamia and pursue a graduate degree.  So many of you have found the same power in your life...you inspire me!

Two...
My children.  We've been talking and playing UNO a lot.  We've been meditating and making mind jars.  We've been experimenting in the kitchen.  We've been focusing on how we speak and listen. Occationally we clean rooms and vaccuum dog hair.

Three...
There were three things that really broke me after the trauma of infidelity passed.  1)  That he was willing to put the health and life of my children and I at risk.  2)  The grief and loss of future children we wouldn't have.  3) That he used and abused prostituted women.

I have had my ways of processing these things but #3 has become an undercurrent to my experience here on scabs.  Next week, hand in hand with a small bunch of rad women, I'll attend the Commission on the Status of Women at the United Nations as a delegate representing the fight against sexual exploitation.  This is where the sponge kicks in again...I'll be soaking up everything I see, hear and feel and I'll try and keep things updated on Instagram.  Pray for me.

Four...
Camp Scabs!  Camp Scabs, I haven't forgotten you.  I love you and you are evolving but this year things may be a bit different because I'm in the weeds and working to slow things down by summer time.  Instead of multiple camps this year.  We will hold one camp this summer.  I'm ironing out details but possibly the last week of June near SLC.  We have scholarship money for flights!  People are fabulous and generous. xo

The woman I am now is so different from the woman I was five years ago (pre-d day).  I love them both but I'm incredibly thankful for the steps that brought me here.  Break free from whatever binds you.  Keep going.  Your life, your breath, your heart and brain are valuable beyond comprehension.

                                               xo,
                                                     Scabs


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

the way we love


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In my heart, I truly belive we can heal anything.  I really do.

Even the things that seem irrevocably broken.  Even the way we love and care about the people in our lives.  This speaker series about Intimacy from ADDO has just been released!  Let's get it!  I signed up for free here and can't wait to get it in my inbox.

                                                                                    xo,
                                                                                          Scabs

Monday, February 16, 2015

mini-buns





She's my tomboy daughter (we've always called her mini-buns) who is walking along side the rest of our family discovering what life means to her. I am so proud. This is what she wrote today:


"Today I realized that you can't pray to God for the exact answer to your problems. You have to ask him for something that will help you with your problems. Not for something to automatically solve them. And I also realized that friends are more important then they may seem. That they may appear to be people that you just hang out with, nothing more. But they are much more than whatever they may seem to be. They help your ship to not sink, they keep you company on your long journey home. But most importantly they are there when you need to blab on and on about your storm. They are and always will be there when you most need them. How this ties into asking God for something, is that I got lots of friend on my boat to help me on my journey home to the sky."


I adore every bit of her, she is a gyser of amazingness and I am in awe.


Sunday, February 15, 2015

In honor of the day of love

Addo Recovery Free Betrayal Trauma Program

In honor of the day of love may I suggest some self-care. 

ADDO Recovery has put together some of the greatest resources for 

women in trauma from betrayal. The program is free, online, 
anonymous and pressure free. Sign up if you've never done it before, 
sign up if you started and didn't finish it and sign up again if you need 
a boost. I've done the program twice and each time its been a different experience. 


xo, Scabs

Sunday, January 25, 2015

stardust

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Sometimes I like to tell my kids bedtimes stories. Here's a favorite.
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My dear children, I want to tell you a story about the Universe and stardust and about the unique creation of you.

Many years ago, before you were born and even years before your Dad and I fell in love,  I wanted to be an astronaut.  I wanted talk with the man in the moon and bounce between the stars.  I wanted sail in the Carina and search for the Golden Fleece, come face to face with comets and stardust.  I wanted float through space and marvel at the great vastness of the inky forever of the universe.  I fell in love with the stories the Universe tells.

When I was a kid, math didn't interest me.  Which is sad because math is the language of creation and space.  Math is how we've discovered what the Universe is made from.  Isn't that strange?  Numbers and symbols and formulas have opened the window to understanding space!  Do you ever wonder how scientists know what the sun is made from?  Especially when we can't visit and land on it's surface and take samples of its fiery heat?   I always wonder this.

There are many ideas explaining the beginning of the Universe but theidea I love most begins with an itty-bitty, hot, dense speck of pure energy.  Dense is a weird word but this simply means that this speck was extremely heavy.  Imagine all you see squished and smashed so small that it fits onto the tiny tip-top of your finger, this gives you and idea of what dense means.   This itty-bitty, hot, dense speck of pure energy was smaller than an atom which is even smaller than an invisible piece of dust floating around your room.

You know that time of night when I've kissed you, gotten you another drink, tucked you in bed and kissed you again?  That is the time of night you get most excited and you want to play and jump on the bed and bounce off the walls and giggle.  Well this is how the itty-bitty, hot, dense speck of pure energy felt.  It was so whirled up in a tizzy that it felt like exploding! And so it did.  There was once a famous scientist who explained it this way E=mc2. This just means that energy can turn into stuff and stuff can turn into energy.  This idea explains how all the planets and stars were made from one tiny speck of energy.  It is incredible, isn't it?

But the most incredible thing about this explosion is that you and I and all the things we see are made from similar explosions.  We are literally made from stardust!

When a star is young it burns bright and eats energy ferociously, just like when you come home from playing all day!  But, when a star is old and has used all its energy to shine it gives us one more gift; it creates a stupendous explosion and cooks atoms into all the elements.  These elements are simply the parts that everything is made from, like the blocks of your Legos.  The explosion starts out small but in nanoseconds it expands and as it expands it creates waves of elements like copper, zinc, iron, calcium and even gold!  Did you know that your body is made of these elements?  We are made from the dust of stars!

Aren't the stars grand and wonderful?  Next time we lay on the lawn during the late spring nights and tell the story of Orion eternally chasing the seven sisters, remember you are just as grand and unique and wonderful!  I love you.


Monday, January 19, 2015

The rebuild

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Previous

February 2012 

I haven't known how to tell the next part of my story.

The part that comes after the drama of discovering Mr. Scabs disloyalty,
kicking him out of the house,
buring all his underwear,
having tourettes,
asking him to eat the scab,
the mysterious paralysis of my legs and then the healing of those legs,
the disipating fog of limbo,
bits of hope
and the conscience decision to work on our marriage.

As my legs healed and grew stronger I began to walk and ride my bike and practice yoga again. Life felt slow.  I was careful and observant.  I watched mr scabs tear down walls and gut our 50's style kitchen and tinker, rebuild and remodel.  We were both incredibly vulnerable; just like the kitchen, we were being gutted.

I handed him nails and hammers and drew outlines and consulteed with experts on our new kitchen. All the while, not knowing what to do about the disaster that had become our life.  Advice, opinions and stories filtering over my ears into my gut shaped my thoguhts and so i did what i have always done; move forward and take another step in the direction my feet were pointed.

I had to trust that.

I had to trust the ups and downs.  I had to invest in discovering, exploring, understanding and studying the ins and outs of this new life with Mr. Scabs ...we had an uneasy agreement to work on ourselves and see what would happen.

There were times we slept in the same bed and sometimes the guest room became Mr. Scabs room. Sometimes we went on vacation together and other times we left Mr. Scabs at home.  Sometimes I was in and other times I was out. There were times I contemplated shaving off one of his eyebrows while he slept and other insane times I'd ransack his truck certain I'd find evidence.  And then, there were times we'd take the family to the dog park and run and play like we were the couple that fell in love years ago!

But mostly, I carefully observed.  I watched him from the safety of my boundaries.  I watched him rebuild those kitchen walls.


P.S.  Our friends at ADDO have been up to some pretty rad things!  Free Speaker Series!


Provide your email to get a FREE, no strings attached link to 
Dr. Skinner's presentation:



When he says "intimacy" he doesn't 
mean just sex.  

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

you can buy me for a dollar

R.A.T. Race

I'd never been to a race where they prayed before we ran/walked.  It was during this prayer that my emotions flooded over and burst out of my eyes.  My little boy reached his arm around my leg and whispered, "mama?"   The woman bowing her head in front of me snuck a glance in the direction of my sniveling.   When the buzzer rang and we all began to walk, tears still streamed.  And when I looked to the left and the right and to the hundreds of people in front of me, I bawled some more.  So many people came to support the R.A.T Race (Run Against Trafficking).

This hits so very, very close to home for the Scabs family.

On the way to the race, we talked about slavery.  We talked about what it is, how it happens and how children and women and men get lost in this underground industry.  We talked about it feeds pornography.  We talked about predators, victims and surviors.  We talked about how it is spreading wider and deeper all over the world and how it's even festering in our own neighborhood.  We talked about people like OUR, TRUST AZ and ISEEUhope.  We talked about hope and God.  We talked about what we can do to become abolitionists.

And then, my blonde haired boy with all the answeres pipes up,

"Mama, I know how you can save me if I get stolen.  You can just come to the place where they are selling me and buy me for a dollar or something."

I did that weird thing where you cry and laugh at the same time.

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P.S. Mr. Scabs ran so fast he earned a metal.  He was proud.  
He was also more awake to the world he'd been involved with.  





Friday, October 24, 2014

R.A.T. Race

R.A.T. Race

I'll be there tomorrow morning.  Let's hang out and throw back a few gatorades and power bars!

My good friend has become one of Arizonas most passionate movers and shakers when it come to sex trafficking in our own neighborhoods.  She's met with local mayors and city counsel members to change laws and support survivors.  Last spring she was invited and attended the National Exploitation Summit and came home inspired to do more!  With that inspiration she came home and opened a nonprofit ISEEUHOPE!  Wow!  She's amazing.  Read more about ISEEUHOPE below.

Let's end sex trafficking!
If you're local come run or walk and dontate.
If you can't come to the R.A.T. Race log online and donate.



Register here: http://www.ratraceaz.org.


 Our team isiseeuhope.org
 


ISEEUHOPE
International Sexual Exploitation Enemies United, Hope
www.ISEEUHope.org  (501c3 status pending)

Who we are:  Women helping other women to find hope, healing and strength as they recover from the devastating effects of betrayal trauma.

What we do:  Provide connection to programs, services, support and community efforts aimed at helping people find hope and healing from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction.  Promote legislation to reduce “fake massage parlor” (brothel/sex provider) businesses in our communities.  Create scholarships for people affected by and working to combat the darkness of sex/pornography addiction/ the porn industry/ the sex trade.

How we do it: Through community connections with various churches and organizations around the Phoenix, AZ area, around the country and around the world.  Through our website.  Through support groups serving women.  Through the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation:www.endexploitationmovement.com

How you can help:  Please donate. 

100% of the donations we receive are put toward care packages & materials to help clergy minister to sex/pornography addicts and their spouses.
***You can also support us by registering to Run in the Arizona Race Against Trafficking (RAT Race) as part of our team ISEEUhope.  All donations made to our team through the RAT Race will be given directly to our organization minus a small processing fee (2-3%)

Why you should help: When a woman finds herself in a situation where she has been betrayed by the person in her life she trusted and gave herself to, it is devastating and she often finds herself feeling very alone and worthless.  These packages will direct her to a community of women who have survived the trauma and are finding healing and wholeness in their lives.  The services offered in the care package will help her to get through the toughest periods of recovery when she can do little more than breathe & survive.

Please give generously and know that your donation will brighten the day and the heart of a woman who feels that the whole earth has crumbled beneath her feet.

Our sincerest thanks for your generous donation!


Monday, September 15, 2014

Doing your own thing


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I'm so proud of this lady!

Each of us have a part to play and something to pay forward in this movement.  This lady felt the draw to get her yoga teacher training and open classes for women like us!  And, she's doing it!

If you live near Murray, UT go to her free class tonight (Tues, Sept 16 @6:30) and tell her Scabs sent you!

And, as always, if you live near Lindon, UT sign up for ADDO's free yoga classes here.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, yoga has been a pillar in my healing.  You don't have to be bendy or have a third-eye, you just have to want to be whole again.









Friday, September 12, 2014

behind the scene

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Why is it that kids get squirrely when it's time for bed?  And why are they suddenly hit with a bout of the most intense, potentially deadly thirst?  Can anyone answer these questions for me?

Finally, they are quiet and I'm taking a moment to open my laptop, review my Camp Scabs budget, pay a few camp bills, review the registration list.  My camp partner is on hiatus and I miss her.  I miss her for a lot of reasons but one of those little reasons is that she has amazing organizational skills. The kind of skills that make spreadsheets and stuff.  I use sticky notes.

One of the most amazing bits about camp is all the people (especially compassionate men) who have donated, time, talents, extra hours at work and cold hard cash to the Camp Scabs cause;  thousands of dollars and hours upon hours of time.  The Camp Scabs Scholarship Fund has been especially cool to watch. These men are buying airline tickets and paying baggage fees and sending gas money and renting suburbans to help ladies travel from all over North America to Camp Scabs cities.  I'm humbled.

Never were these men asked to donate.  They are just kind and generous.  They reached out to create this opportunity for you.  They work behind the scenes.

I was curious, so I filtered through my sticky notes.  There are now 105 Camp Scabs Alumni.  Out of these alum 48 received scholarships!  I think this is remarkable.


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Monday, September 1, 2014

Get un-stuck


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The first time I discovered Mr. Scabs and porn feels like a million years ago, our now, tween daughter, was still growing in my belly.  I knew in my gut that the porn and lying and anger were poison to the small family we were about to become.  There are so many reasons why I chose to ignore that feeling and justify the porn streaming into my newlywed livingroom.  I felt stuck.

So much has changed since then.

As terrible and enormous as the problem of porn and sex addiction is, there's an equally healing and enormous amount of help, resources and recovery!  The wave of dark is no longer encompassing and engulfing. This is PHENOMENAL!  A phenomenal amount of hope!

I believe if you're an addict or a spouse in today's world, you are the luckiest addict/spouse in the history of the time.  Never have there been so many caring, compassionate, successful people with research and knowledge, armed with tools and pathways to light the way to healthy sexuality and relationships.  There is no reason we can't be whole.  That wave of dark is met with a more powerful wave of light.  We are so lucky!

We want better lives, fuller relationships, deeper intimacy but don't always know how to cross the bridge into action, the ADDO team can show us how to do this.  I know most of the ADDO team personally.  I trust them.  In fact, I just talked to Amy Parks on the phone, you will love her!!  She has her own story and understands the deep confusion and pain as well as the freedom of healing and how to get there.  I hope you reach out and get un-stuck.

Sign up for ADDO's  2-day therapy intensive for individuals and couples in Lindon, Utah.  

There are 2 sessions:

9/26/2014 - 9/27/2014 & 11/7/2014 - 11/8/2014




Establishing Hope Workshop from Addo Recovery on Vimeo.
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